If I’d known where I would be now, I would do so much differently. I would take many chances. I would do all the things I fear. I would live for myself and no one else. I would smile and laugh more. I would build stronger friendships and spend more time with my family. If I could only know my future, then I would know what I should do now.

#chances #past #future

I said to him: nothing. He opened himself up to me. He let his true feelings slip. He showed his love for me. And I said nothing. I was taken aback. I felt nervous. I wanted to run away. I loved him, but didn’t want his feelings to be true. I dreamed of the day he would reciprocate my feelings. But now that day has come and I don’t want it. I had the opportunity for love and I said nothing. #love #missedopportunity

I had a feeling my mom was doing something wrong and I was completely right. My mom is an alcoholic, thankfully, she is now sober. One afternoon, my mom said she had to give her sister a ride. I didn’t think much of it, but within maybe thirty minutes of her leaving, something felt off. It’s one of those unexplainable things where you can just sense something happened. I felt so nervous, like my mom was in trouble. My stomach was in knots and my heart was skipping beats. I tried to push the feeling away and deny that anything was wrong. I listened to music and concentrated on my homework, but no luck. I couldn’t ignore that feeling because it was me knowing my mom fell off the wagon. Everything was confirmed when mom came home, maybe two hours later, staggering and smelling like a brewery. I couldn't believe it, she walked in like nothing was wrong when she was clearly drunk. I didn’t want it to be true. Usually being right makes me feel good, but sometimes it can hurt.

Crying helps, but it also hurts. I guess it’s kind of like working out or eating healthy, it’s good for you but the process can be hard and painful. Crying relieves the tension and takes the weight off for a short time. I am sure I’m not the only one who cries alone and prefers it that way. There have been a few times when I have cried in front of someone else, and it is always embarrassing. When I cry, I feel vulnerable, weak, and not at my best state of mind. There are so many reasons why I cry that they could probably take up an entire book. I’m sure at some point, everyone has tried to fall asleep but you can’t help remembering all the stupid stuff you’ve done. Well, sometimes that happens to me, but I think about more than my mistakes. I think about all the things that I regret and all the things that have brought me joy. I think about how fast life has gone by and how things seem to be passing by so slowly now. I think about the great childhood memories and yearn to go back. I linger on all the painful and awkward teenage years and run as far as I can. I remember all the relationships that have come and gone. And I wonder if my current relationships will last or just become memories. I imagine how I could have changed the past and how my future will be. I question how long I will still be here and fear the day that I will leave. I cry in either angst or amazement at how life can be. It is fair and unjust. It is depressing and happy. It can be lonely, funny, memorable, painful, and so many other things. So I lay in my bed and cry for all the things that I cannot understand and wait for sleep to come. #tears #crying