It was a dream
Inside a locked room,
A dream about being a person.
I came into that room
and I saw
The ugly deformities
and unbelievable atrocities
that we all hide
And I don’t know.
I don’t know why we hide them
I don’t know why we only show
These damaging parts,
With our mental health
Chugging along a tightrope
That strains under the weight
Of locomotive thoughts
And fantasy coal.
I came and I saw the end of all that
Is good and right,
Until I came to the end
Of that dream
And I knew.
I am not a person,
And we are all monsters.
Ambivalence is the
inside an empty shell,
around to rattle
the shaking in my chest will stop
distraction it makes
A frantic sweep
of the eyes
that I haven’t changed
gone too far to prove it.
A lesser life
I crawl forward
my profound words,
Lie to yourself
the truth and
you will find it best served
is that why I shake,
of my chaos,
The Ice Reflects
I saw them, when I was supposed to be alone.
But they were not.
And I had a feeling they saw me too.
I walked along the edge of the lake, bare feet blue with cold.
I felt numb.
Which was fine, I suppose. There was a reason I was alone, anyway.
Eyes met eyes.
Mine, as cold as they’ve always been.
Theirs, several pairs, watching in fragments of the ice, observing.
I had to go to them.
Water moved and the ice shifted,
And I saw her.
She smiled at me, the skin of her mouth splitting, blue blood spilling from her lips...
Her eyes were so beautiful.
The ice queen.
She held a hand, and forward I walked, leaving skin upon these frozen wastes.
I didn’t feel it, staring almost through her, towards the lone cabin, surrounded by white pines. Silent, skeletal sentinels guarding my treasures.
I almost saw her hanging there, then remembered where she hung, there in the bathroom.
There for me.
Where I left her.
She was here now.
Striding toward me,
More beautiful now, the white translucency of her hand gripping my arm,
I smiled at her in return.
My love, leading me further out,
To the center of the lake.
I saw others, hands pushing against the surface, their eyes watching me all this time.
One more pair every time I came here,
To this place,
But none of them captured me like Evelyn,
Even as I captured them before,
She was the one.
To their arms,
I am yours.
Captive to you,
As you were to me.
Something is wrong.
You can't remember, but it haunts you.
You're shaking, inside, heart trembling, torso
Caving in on
Normalcy is the only thing you want,
Despite your eyes
flickering around, trying to find the source of this.
Holding your hand in front of your face,
Desparate for something to focus on,
Your fingers flinch away.
You watch your own body
Because you cannot watch your mind do it.
It searches for an answer to your question, what the fuck is wrong?
And the answer it finds,
The chemicals overcome any logic,
The mixture equaling something entirely unequal.
Your mind reaches for anything but that realization,
attaches itself to them ferociously,
With him, with friends, with inanimate objects,
You feelings cannot be trusted.
It is your life now.
though you're not the type
maybe the meds will be the answer
maybe the shame and
will soon become
And of course you doubt it,
as you always do,
In the state of mind you live in,
That something is irrevocably,
But you forget, to check your emotion,
as that is the
of the beast.
that one thing,
and not think.
The thing that is wrong,
Parts and a Whole
I love you because you revived a part of me I thought long dead.
The part that freely gives and completely trusts.
I love you because you brought out a part of me I thought would never come back.
The part that giggles unapologetically and playfully smiles.
I love you because you made a part of me feel safe.
The part that shudders in the quiet corners of my mind, filled with fear and pain.
I love you because you showed a part of me that your eyes are the only mirror I need.
The part that cries when I look at my body and compare myself to what I think I should be.
I love you because you showed a part of me that emotion isn't weakness.
The part of me that hates itself for it being able to hide.
I love you because you breathed new life into all these parts.
Into a whole worth loving.
Happy Valentine's Day,
I think about it all day.
It's all there.
Where's the big picture?
Was something taken from me?
Why did I cry?
I told my friend Heather.
"I'm sorry that happened to you."
Was it that unfortunate?
Did it just happen to me, like stepping on a piece of gum on the sidewalk?
Did I lose anything?
Does being realistic take away the fact that I was not okay with what was happening?
I told my friend Zane.
"I don't think you should deny your victimhood."
Am I a victim?
I was drunk.
But I could have called an Uber,
Or a Lyft.
They're both popular in the area.
But I didn't want to spend the money.
I mean, the party was cool,
Until everyone left.
And I was in the bedroom.
If I had so many chances to say no,
But never said yes either,
Does that change things?