I love this idea, and i'll tell you why

My G-d am I disturbed

All my colleagues know it.

I'll play music of the insane while I cut meat

Die Antwoord, Rob Zombie...

I tell them it relaxes me.

It's a half truth

It's because the energy of this music

Matches my internal reality

It synchronizes with the rhythm of my internal madness

And in that way, it is soothing.

I don't know if that's why some art comforts the disturbed

While that same art disturbs the comfortable...

No wait! I do know!

The comfortable are disturbed by art that soothes the disturbed...

Because it reminds them of a piece of themself they have yet to integrate

If you have not integrated your shadow

You may fear it

I mean...I dunno...

Bunch of punk ass bitches, haha.

It's hard for me to imagine art that would disturb me

There is no art more disturbing than life itself

If you don't see that

Then man

You haven't lived.

There's my sign, covering my shirt. I made it myself.

The shirt says I speak for the trees.

I'm not a lawyer, I'm 16.

I don't actually speak for the trees.

But I was raised on Wall-E and Dr. Suess.

They told me that I could make a change if I wanted.

I can't. I could plant a tree, I could pick-up trash, and I could stop eating meat.

but I could not make change.

The world won't end, but it's gonna get hard to live in.

No one has to care, not the rich at least. Not until their taxes are raised.

The kids have given up. A few hold their signs, and sign their petitions.

A few got desparate and went crazy. How could they not? But most gave up.

Thats okay, Greta Thunberg did it. She made a stir.

She's a joke now. Apparently. A broken record. An overplayed song.

This is ridiculous. I should put the sign down, I should go home.

But I'm crazy too.

I look at the green horizon. It shouldn't be like that.

It's pretty, but it shouldn't be like that.

Our springs, algae flowing in the current. It shouldn't be like that either.

The boardwalks were cut off, they had to be shortened.

The sea's gotten closer. It shouldn't be like that.

Sometimes I go to the middle of my town. We have a tree there. Two of them.

I climb one. I get to the top. I'm four stories above the ground, I watch the people pass.

I can pretend for a moment, up there in the branches,

that everything's the way it should be.

I am the lorax. I beg. I beg on behalf the trees.

Someone hacked into all of your accounts. They know your social security number, credit card information, debit card pin, every single password you've ever created. They used your social security number to buy a house in Orange County, meaning "you" took out a $600,000 loan in your name. There is no feasible way to pay it back. You tried calling a help line but no one answered, and when you hit the answering machine, it was full.

The people you thought loved you actually don't. They were pretending, because they feel sorry for you. People who you thought respected you just want you for your capacity to listen to their problems. You realize you are deeply alone, on an island of your own making, every decision you've ever made socially has made you an outcast, when you thought you were cool.

Every dream you have ever had has been proven to be impossible. You can't escape your own thoughts, and you hate your own thoughts.

Give me the flames

Give me the fire

Give me the Lust

Soaked with Desire.

Give me the thrill

Scare me if you will

I have no fear

I'll laugh you into my pyre.

I have no doubt

That my dragon will be running

I have no qualms

That the distance from me to death

I am stunting.

Give me passion

Give me pain

Just don't threaten me

With a Life mundane.

Pleasure is dangerous

Never a peaceful slumber.

I fight to stay awake.

It's actually hilarious

How often I end up here.

In this exact moment.

The moment when I realize

I'm the only one

The world doesn't spin for.

Where I look around

And see that I'm the only one

Who isn't moving.

Familiar figures,

Motion-blurred

Like long exposure photography

Dash past me with an impossible momentum,

Leaving a swift burst of wind that ruffles my hair

In their wake,

And all I can do is blink.

Once.

Just once.

I can only blink one singular time

Before they're miles away from me,

A small black dot in the distance,

With tiny shining white eyes

That do so much more than blink.

I don't want to just blink one singular time.

I want to sprint, as fast as I can,

Carrying my giant, hopeful white eyes with me,

And become a small black dot

Myself.

What left is there for me to do?

And now, the end is near, all the years I have worked, all the plans I have made, doesn’t mean anything any longer.

So, I face the final curtain before all goes dark around me. And in the last moments my friends, I’ll say it clear, that you full well understand, so that before you, you will know I’ll state my case of which I’m certain.

Yet, for all that I have done, there is but one thing I have lacked, one thing I have longed for, and it has been within my grasp, only to slip away like a feather blown away in the breeze.

I’ve lived a life that’s full, yet my heart and soul remains empty. I have traveled the world ten times over, traveled each and every highway, yet she alludes me like a filmy ghost staring back at me through a mirror, but one thing you or anyone else cannot say is wrong; I did it my way.

We both know I’m not perfect, but then, who is? I have regrets, but then, too few to mention. After all, now doesn’t seem to be the time to really look back and make any amends.

Throughout my life, I did what I had to do. In the beginning it was just to keep from drowning. but as time traveled, I realized I saw it through without exemption.

It was then, when I was finally within reach of all my plans and goals, where I planned each charted course, being smart enough, not to waiver or fold for fear of failure, but rather take the time to take each careful step along the byway, and more, much more than this, no one will ever be able to say, I didn’t do it my way.

Now, in these final hours or perhaps minutes ... yes, there were times, I’m sure you knew what was going on inside me, but you never questioned my motives. Especially when I bit off more than I could chew. You would just stand off to the side, nodding your head when I gave you something to do and you went on about the business at hand.

But through it all when there was doubt, I never relented, did I? I never backed off or down. I ate it up and spit it out. I faced it all in my life and still managed to come out on top because I stood tall in the face of what I was up against.

I have pretty much run the gauntlet in life. After all, I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried, but when she went away, I vowed I had had enough. I’ve had my fill, my share of losing, and swore I would never let love invade my being ever again. Once was more than enough for me.

Yet, even after what, almost fifty years? If she were to walk back into my arms, I wouldn’t say a word. And yes, I would take her back that quickly for I never stopped loving her.

Still, as tears subside, in a small sense, I find it all so amusing because, just imagine it if you will. With all I have accomplished in life; to think, I did all that, without hesitation. Oh no, oh no, not me because I vowed a long time ago, I would do things my way.

Now, I am here in my last moments of life, and I ponder life’s big prank on me, for what is a man, what has he got to show for all he has done, knowing when the light goes dark one last time, you become nothing more than a memory.

Let’s face it, if not himself, then he has naught and perhaps that is the last deciding factor before life is snubbed out.

To say the things he truly feels, whether believed or not, but know these words are not from one who kneels. I have been knocked around and knocked down until it came my turn. When it did, suddenly the world changed for me. For the records shows, I took the blows and yet, I did it my way.

Your last official act is to follow the directions in the envelope and make absolutely certain everything written is followed to the letter. You must find her for me. Tell her I am sorry. And that all I have remaining, is hers.

It is my way of saying ... each heart beat I have, beats for no one but her.

Now go. I need to close my eyes and sleep, perhaps for the last time.

My grandparents. They are conservative, Fox 'news' watching, trump supporting, LGBTQIA+ hating, people. I love them, I do, I can't blame them for the way they were raised, but still, ignorance does not excuse racism. People are raised with toxic ideas all the time, and once they are adults, it is up to them to educate themselves.

My school. I go to a predominately white school, with a Native American as my mascot, I am used to pretty ignorant people, I hear the N-word and F-word thrown around like it's nothing, and the teachers do nothing about it. My classmates have said blatantly racist things to me, and I always, and I mean always, feel that I am in the wrong for taking it seriously as if I am the problem.

My point? I have to watch my mouth in front of my grandparents, I can't even discuss race unless I am prepared for them to spin it into some kind of debate. I also have to watch my mouth at my own school. Even in front of my all-white friends. For some odd reason, I feel invalid for talking about race in front of my own friends! I feel guilty for censoring a big part of me. I am a victim of racism all the time, and yet, if I talked to my grandparents about it, they would explain it away. If I talked to my friends about it, they would quickly change the subject. Even now I feel someone is going to defend them, I don't know, it's f*cked up.

All I need is trust

Anything else on its own is not enough

Nothing can make up for lack of trust

Only bringing self-doubt, annoyance and heartbreak

Because there is nothing that trust hasn't made

A friendship without trust becomes a pyre

They started playing with matches,

So I started playing with fire