Lights on. Lights off.

Curtains closed.

Thoughts on all the way.

It was lingering in. Snaking in. Seizing my head.

Blankets over me.

Eden’s blanket over me.

I bit my lip so hard that it only made the tears trickle even more.

I wish there were a distraction.

A distraction to everything.

I wiped my tears away.

Sat on my desk chair.

Opened my computer.

I turned on my desk lamp.

Took my biology flashcards out.

Tried to study.

Ended up ripping the flashcards in half.

Tears.

A lot more tears than before.

My phone buzzed across the room.

I picked it up.

Eden asked to come over to my house.

I wiped my tears away.

I answered, What for?

He responded, Need assistance w/ homework :(

I gave him a thumbs-up emoji, turning off my phone.

But my phone buzzed again.

He texted, Are you okay?

Why did he ask?

What did I do?

Did I do something wrong?

I’m not okay-

I’m fine.

I texted him, I’m fine

Just fine? he said.

I’m breaking apart-

Just fine.

You’re worried about me, I said.

His text bubbles showed up.

For a whole minute.

Until it stopped.

And instead, he texted back, Just checking in, that’s all x

Eden went offline.

I don’t think that was what he wanted to say at first.

I’m fine.

Fine.

Just fine.

I’m not okay right now

Always been fine.

I don’t think I’ll be okay anytime soon-

Always been okay.

I desperately need a hug right now-

I don’t need one.

And I don’t know if I can take it anymore-

I wish everyone could just leave me alone.

Desk lamp off.

Ripped flashcards on my desk.

I threw myself onto my bed.

I hadn’t felt this broken in so long.

And I don’t think it was because of my recent test score.

I was supposed to be the confident one.

I was supposed to be the strong one.

This kind of thing was getting bad again.

But I didn’t have a reason to be like this.

But that was the thing.

None of it came with reasons.

It would just happen.

Sometimes gradually.

But other times like a flick of a light switch.

One day, I would feel infinite. Like it was me against the world and I was winning.

And the next day, I was breaking apart. A single gust of me and the flames of me would blow away.

Today was one of those days. The breaking apart kind of day.

God

I

just

want

to

plan my demise- no.

disappear- no.

be fixed- no.

be dead- no.

be understood.

If I was stuck in a tight room filled with everyone I met in my life, who would be the one who would search for me?

There was a catch. They could only search for one person at a time. Someone they prioritized the most.

If I searched for my friends, my friends would already be searching for someone else better. If I searched for my parents, they would already search for each other. If I searched for my sister, she would search for her soulmate.

Everyone had someone.

But that doesn't always mean everyone included me.

Dear friend,

How'd you come across me? Are you lost? Or did you just stumble upon me? Either way, I hope this reaches you at the perfect time. If not, let this be a small reminder for today.

Whatever you're going through, I hope the void in your heart will soon be mended with tranquility.

Whatever you were doing, I hope you have something you find solace to, whether that's writing or reading or literally anything that makes you feel like you have a purpose.

Whoever you are, I'm proud of you.

You're here.

And alive.

And you never gave up

despite going through the days you thought were impossible.

Let that be enough today.

Love always,

Rayniverse

"Regardless if you feel like a burden or not, I still love every single goddamn version of you."

Those were the words I typed on my document as my main characters went through a vulnerable state in a chapter. Words---my own words like these---make my heart pound, and cry, and melt, and break, all at the same time.

My heart would rapidly pound because I'd never seen my own words I created for me that would touch me so perfectly, so immaculately. Because I'd never seen other words I produced other than those words form a clear reflection of my soul.

My heart would cry because I wish someone would tell me that. Especially at the times when my thoughts were burdening me, which lead me to think I was a burden to everyone, which also led me to string into thoughts of knowing that people would have an easier life if I wasn't present in theirs anymore. Especially when my thoughts were constantly tied into thinking I had to present myself as the perfect friend to be loved. If I wasn't happy for a day, people wouldn't like me anymore. If I wasn't motivated for a day, people would see me as a fraud. If I went through something in my life, suddenly everyone starts to disappear from me, leaving me alone in my imperceptible darkness.

My heart would melt because of the same reason as the first. If someone ever said that to me in real life, I would break down in tears, no doubt. Tears would stream down my cheeks, but I would also beam at the same time. Knowing someone had cared about me that much to say words like these.

And my heart would break because it took them so much violence in order to say such gentle words like these. It took me so much unresolved history to form those words in the first place. Knowing I'd never experienced unconditional love. I'd never experienced feeling seen, despite the various versions of me. It didn't matter how many friends I had. It was the lack of connection that led me to carve those words out.

Isolation, loneliness, and the extreme feeling of desolation led me to carve out words that felt like a warm hug from someone I love.

Now that I thought about it, I don't think I remember the last time I ever received a hug. At least those words felt like one.

Those words will forever stick into my heart.

If no one was going to like the different versions of me,

At least I will.

Trigger Warning: Discussions of SA

I'm not going to try to be poetic here. I'm just going to be honest and real.

About two years ago, I had my first genuine friendship with a girl that I will call her Chloe. I'm going to keep her anonymous. This is not her real name. I knew when we first met, something clicked in between us, like a lightbulb starting to flicker after decades of being lightless. Keep in mind that we were young and we didn't know better about most life lessons. We met during school and I was surprised when she wanted to be my friend. A friend. I had a friend.

During the summer, things took an unexpected turn. This was when we were both struggling with our mental health, so we weren't at our best, and we knew that, but one thing I regret to this day was not properly communicating with her when things went wrong. There were countless days where the things she said offended me, and I regret not speaking up about it. I just let her continue to hurt me because I didn't know better back then. I didn't know how to stand up for myself. I was afraid of her reaction if I ever spoke up and created boundaries. I grew up in a household where expressing my feelings, especially my negative feelings, were invalid and that if I ever spoke up about my negative feelings, that was practically asking for a free punishment from your parents.

It'd gotten to the point where it was starting to truly affect me emotionally. I'm not saying that Chloe was the reason why at one point I was in my depressive state, but she was able to contribute to everything that was already adding up in my plate, when everything was so overwhelming for me. But back then, I didn't know how to open up, so I just essentially suffered in silence. There were so many stories out there talking about their bad experiences of opening up, and that eventually influenced me to not do the same.

Fast forward to a new year in school. It was a rough start. I was SA'd by a student. Before that time period, it was a family member. Multiple times. The student got away with it because I never spoke up. I never told my family about the family member one, but I told them about the student one. They didn't take it seriously. They assumed that the student just wanted to play with me and I was being the mean one but that wasn't the case. I was afraid of what was going to happen if I ever did. I told Chloe about it. Chloe then proceeds to make jokes about it. She also then proceeds to say that it wasn't even that bad. It hurt me. It really fucking did. And at that point, I just kept my mouth shut because I was afraid.

Thinking about it still made my heart turn into fragments.

I was thirteen.

All of this was because I was stubborn and I should've spoken up. I never spoke up about my problems and when I finally did, she invalidated all of them, stating that it could've been worse. Yeah, it could've been worse, but that doesn't change the fact that I was hurting. I knew she was hurting too. I knew we were both hurting. I knew that I shouldn't take everything so personally. But looking back at my old journals, back in the days where I would write about my feelings every time I got upset, I swear, there were so many times when I tried to justify all of her actions and blamed it all myself, because again,

I regret not speaking up earlier.

If I spoke up, all of the future conflicts could've been avoided.

I truly believed it was my fault. I really believed that it was my fault that she was saying those things to me. And honestly, part of it was. Because I never spoke up. I never stood up to myself. And even worse, when I noticed a change in her behavior, perhaps a more hopeless mood, I never spoke up. I never really went out of my way to ask how she was doing. That made me a bad friend. That made me an awful one.

I knew I was trying back then. I was trying, I really was. But the problem was, I didn't know how to love.

We then ended our friendship not even a year later. We couldn't last a year. A goddamn year. Eleven months, even. But I hated how I was so attached so easily because that was the first time that I actually made a friend. I was thirteen. Thirteen-year-old me never really had a friend. I was lonely. I thought I was finally out of that darkness. I mean, I was, for a short moment.

This is why I regret not speaking up.

But I don't regret regretting it. Because I'm older now. I know better now.

I know how to be a better friend.

I'm not a perfect friend, but I'm getting there.

I'm learning how to love.

"Fragile hearts fail to care," Eden said to me one day.

I had a fragile heart.

But here's the thing. It wasn't the fact that I never cared.

It was the fact that I cared too much.

I’m just a gust of wind

I’m just a brush on people’s hairs

I’m just a flow on fabric

I’m just a temporary cool-off

I’m just a gust of cold air

I’m just a gust of wind

I’m just a gust of wind

I’m just a gust that dies down people’s sweat

I’m just a gust that protects people from the sun

I’m just a gust that cools their ice cream

I’m just a gust that is a rare summer breeze

I’m just a gust of wind

What’s the point? I’m just a gust of wind

I’m just an extra breeze of cold air in the snow

I’m just a gust of wind that turns into a winter storm

I’m just a gust of wind that destroys the neighbor’s tree

I’m just a gust of wind that destroys my neighbor’s house

then people

innocent people

my neighbors

I’m just a gust of wind

I swear I didn’t mean to kill

I swear

I was just a gust of wind.

I was a gust of wind

A gust of wind that blows the pointless breeze in the beach

with no one around to play

with no one swimming in the ocean

with absolutely no one

except a gust of wind like me

I was just a gust of wind

who was no longer a gust of wind

I was not a gust anymore

I was just air in the hot summer

where everyone was already in their homes

sitting in front of the air conditioner

what’s the point in being a gust of wind

if I no longer protect anymore

what’s the point in being a gust of wind

if all I do is kill

what’s the point in being a gust of wind

if that’s all I’m known for

what’s the point in being a gust of wind

if everyone was afraid of me

just a gust of wind

just a pointless

useless

gust of wind

what’s the point

what’s the point

what’s the point?

I did it y'all. I survived another year. It's my birthday today :)

If you told me from 2 years ago that I was finally living instead of surviving, I would've laughed at your face.

Funny how one year could change me entirely.

Back then, I was comforted by the fact that tomorrow isn't always promised. Now, I'm excited to see what will happen the next day every day! I'm grateful that I get to wake up breathing fresh air every day. I'm grateful that I'm here. And alive. Even though I'm alone most of the time, I'm grateful that I have me. I have my own back. I know I can trust myself in everything. 2022 me would laugh at me for saying this. It's such a reliving feeling, knowing that this year was definitely, undeniably better than last year. This is proof that things do get better.

Just because it's taking time, doesn't mean it'll never happen.

I'm finally learning how to be excited for my birthday again. For once in 2 years, birthdays finally bring joy to my life again. And I hope it goes the same for Christmas.

I survived yet another year. But I'm not gonna spend my entire life just surviving and getting through the day. Now it was time to learn how to live again.

- 10/22, 12:18 AM