Despite The Crowd
"No emotional honesty."
"Oh, that's a thing?"
"You've explained what happened and what you did, but I have no idea how you feel. Go over the event again. This time, I'll hold my hand up, you'll pause and I'll ask you questions."
Must we? What time is it? This session is interminable! "As you wish."
The sun was setting. It was easy to think about the day of the murder mystery party. Through the venetian blinds at the therapist's office, I could see slivers of the changing sky. He keeps the lights low. Our faces are partly covered with shadow. The furniture makes for the most comfortable mini living room. Anyone could fall asleep here.
I let that deep sigh escape. Now he knows that I'm frustrated. Damn!
"We were busy, Najuma and I, with preparations for the party. The theme was 1920s Chicago. I was in charge of the menu and the serving crew, kitchen help, waiters, clean-up."
That fucking hand.
"While you were running around for the party, was it stressful?"
If he continues to interrupt, I'll never get the fuck out of here. "No."
Did he read my sarcasm?
"I had volunteered to help because I thought that it would give me a chance to get to know Najuma better. See her in a different light apart from the church that we attended."
"You've been dating Najuma now for how long?"
More fucking interruptions.
"I told you before, she and I are not dating exclusively. We're building a friendship. Remember, she has an eleven year old daughter. I want to approach slowly. Get to know her and, if things look promising, slowly include the daughter in whatever may be next.
I'm never going to get through the story if you keep interrupting. Can I continue? By the way, I'm currently annoyed. In case you didn't catch that."
More scribblings on his notepad. I'd like to take that notepad and shove it up your ass, but society would frown.
"I'll skip to the end."
"If you must."
"Even though I knew everyone at the party and that none of those people were there to hurt me, all I could think about is me, the eleven year old, at the center of the living room, naked, surrounded by the five perpetrators as they kicked, punched, scratched, bit at me. I felt as if I was suffocating. I stepped out onto the balcony for some fresh air, but that made me think about the time I escaped from the apartment and climbed to the roof. It was Winter, I was naked, the wind was raging, ice was cutting at my body and I climbed to the edge to commit suicide-"
"Clearly you didn't or you wouldn't be talking to me. Right now, what are you feeling?"
"Like attacking you."
"Why? It wasn't me that was hurting you."
"But it's you that is forcing me to relive the past."
"What are you feeling? Describe it to me. You're trembling. What's that about? Are you afraid?"
"The trembling is me fighting myself from leaping off the couch and slamming my fist to your face until you're unrecognizable."
"You're breathing has sped up. Let's pause and take a deep breath."
Fuck you, you son-of-a-bitch! FUCK YOU!!
"Good. Another. In. Hold it. Out. Tell me, how do you feel?"
"Back when I was eleven, I'm imagining that I felt confused. Why would they do that to me? Why would anyone want to hurt a child?"
"What do you feel right now?"
"Like hunting them down. Like torturing them. Like killing them."
"That's what you want to do, but what do you feel?"
"You're trembling again. Deep breath."
"The day of the murder mystery party, a friend noticed that I was trembling. As we stood by the elevator, waiting to go downstairs to get more supplies for the party, I took a deep breath and, after I calmed down, I thanked him for pointing it out to me.
I've come to realize that I can sit in Madison Square Garden within the thousands of people that came to see Prince and the Musicology performance, but I can't be in a small venue, surrounded by people where it's standing room only. At the stadium, it's organized chaos. Everyone has an assigned seat. At the party, it was a small living room, everyone was weaving in and out. No real control. It sent me for a spin."
"You were triggered. You did alot of work today. How will you reward yourself?"
"A hot fudge sundae. And no murder."
The whirlwind of life
did spring me and I became.
Innocent and new.
But summered by hate,
did I adopt what I am
and did what I do,
that should be discontinued.
though to some I fall
too far beyond redemption,
I attempt the right,
learning from my past
and knowing that my winter
speaks to my wisdom.