Even if there was no God, the concepts of heaven and hell would still exist. Because we, as humans, feel the need to be validated. We can’t do good just to be good people. We want to do good things and be repaid for it. People want a prize, an award for being good. Heaven is just that. You get into Heaven, a place with all of your desires fulfilled, if you are good enough. No one will ever do you good without expecting something in return.
There is also this need to punish what is bad. Some people just need to feel in control. They curse you to go to hell so that they can sleep better at night. To feel like they have control over your fate and destiny. Other people can’t personally get revenge and just hope that someday, somehow, the ones that wronged them will be punished. And believing that after death they will be punished according to their wrong-doings, in a place such as hell, where they will suffer just like you did, brings people comfort.
Heaven and hell are just concepts that bring us security, comfort, they make us feel safe. Like everyone will eventually get what they deserve. Whether it is for revenge, to feel in control, or just a reward for our good deeds, people will always need the concepts of heaven and hell.
how do i feel?
Pretty good. As I run in the middle of the night through the garden of my dreams, I can definitely say I feel good. The moon shines so bright, I can see every single flower hiding away from the cold until the sunrise. Maybe I should go inside too. But there is something just so captivating about this night.
I feel free. Every move I make is made by me. And I can do whatever I want now. I think about the old times and how trapped I was in my own thoughts. But now I’m free.
I don’t know how I got here. I remember waking up from my bed; it was dark outside, and something led me into the garden, to roam around. I am usually not allowed to leave my room at night, but tonight was different. I had a purpose, a calling. I had to go to that big willow tree in my backyard.
I feel at home next to the willow tree… I start to remember. Wanting to fight those hurtful thoughts in my head, always reaching out for help, having no one to see the internal struggle, all of these were getting to me. I needed a walk. To sit and hide under that big, grandiose willow tree. And that’s what I did.
I feel confident. I walk back to the willow tree, its energy pulling me in like a magnet. In order to remember how I ended up in the middle of the garden, I had to go back. Maybe next to the old tree, memories would flash before my eyes. I get next to it, its branches and leaves reaching the ground, almost forming a tent, a passage to another world, another life. Now I remember.
I feel anxious. I am confused. Scared, even. I get under the tree, pushing the braches to the sides. I can see it now. I can see my body next to the roots of the strong willow tree. Sadly, I wasn’t just as strong. I can see the shiny kitchen knife in my hand, and the open wound around my neck. The blood was running down my lifeless body and just like that, the demons and the bad thoughts were running away too. I stop and realize that they are gone. No more screams in my head, no more thoughts holding me captive.
I felt free. I leaned down, kissed my cold forehead and pushed my eyelids over my eyes. She looked so calm in her sleep. She deserved to be at peace, finally. I did what I had to be free. To enjoy the silence and the time alone. There was something so special about this night. I smile and laugh for the first time in what felt like forever. I run around in solitude, finally free. I feel pretty good.
One last dance.
’Take my hand,
let me have this dance’
Those words like a trance
And I felt alive,
one step at a time,
Your arms around me,
a feeling like home
Oh, if I could just live
in that moment alone.
The moon lit up
your soft complexion,
the music was
our only companion.
You held me so tight
I forgot how to breathe.
Your strong arms around
my waist so petite.
I adore you so much
You say you do too,
so much that I’ll never
love other than you.
’Let me have this dance,
your only last dance,
and no one will ever
get this chance again’
The last thing I heard
and the last thing I felt,
your warm embrace guiding
my lost final steps.
"Just go, you're not wanted here.” she said. I felt like that was the end of me. She was really kicking me out, after all the time spent together, after all the memories. She treated me like I never meant anything to her.
"Please, listen to me!"
"I can't, I don't love you anymore..." How could she say that? All I did was say the truth and this is what happens. She told me to be honest... Well I was. Why is she doing this to me right now? I love her, doesn't she know it?
"I am not. Please go away, I don't ever want to see you again", she kept her emotionless expression, like we didn't spent our entire lives together. Has she always felt this way? Was I never loved? I felt like I was going to die right there. I saw my life flash before my eyes... it's what they say. I saw my life and every single memory included her, she was my life. But maybe I wasn't hers. If she wants me to leave, I will.
"...fine. It's okay"
It's not okay.
"I will go."
I don't want to go.
"I'll leave you alone and never come back."
Please change your mind, don't let me go.
"I'll be fine anyway."
I will not.
"I don't need you."
I'm lying... Please let me stay...
Let me stay...
I love you...
Let me stay...
"Let me stay!! You can't do this to me... Do you have any idea what you're doing to me?”
“I don’t care how you feel, you don’t belong here anymore. Don’t make a scene and please go.”
I don’t belong…?
“Where? Where am I supposed to go?”
“I don’t care… find another family” How can she say that so easily?
“This is my family, mom!”
“No, it isn’t. You’re not my daughter anymore; I can’t stand seeing you after what you’ve told me.” After her painful words, I finally let my tears flow down my face like river, hoping they would take my pain away.
“Does it really matter what gender I prefer? How does the fact that I am dating the same sex change anything in our family?”
“It changes everything. This isn’t the daughter I raised, the daughter I spent my life with and definitely this isn’t the daughter I love. You are not normal. You should be ashamed. Now please leave so I can go back inside to my husband.”
“You can’t just forget you have a daughter and leave me on the streets… Mom, please, I beg you… I am the same me. The daughter you love. I haven’t changed. Just give me a chance and-“
She slammed the door. She threw me away; like I was some piece of garbage. I wasn’t her daughter anymore. Mommy, how could you do this? You didn’t really mean to say those harsh words, did you? Mommy, I am on my own. Help me. You said you’ll be there, you’ll protect me, you’ll save me but you’re the one who left me. Is there anyone who cares about me now that I am alone, without a place to stay and worse… without a family?
Without the ones who once loved me.
The Beginning of The End.
I don't know how to feel. I don't even know if what happened in the last few hours was real or just another nightmare. It seems so... surreal.
Today I woke up and started the day as any other day. The usual stuff. Showering. Brushing teeth. Having breakfast. After this, I got into my father's car so that he would take me to school.
I know that I should have paid more attention.
I didn't think that it was unusual when my father hadn't said a word for the first minute of the ride. Not even a 'Hi!' or 'Morning!'. I should have been more careful... but I can't change anything now, can I?
I realized that he started driving like he was drunk or dizzy. And my father doesn't drink. I asked him if he was okay. Again, no response.
'Dad?!', I screamed from the backseat.
The next thing I saw terrified me. He turned his head at 180 degrees and stared at me. I will never forget what I saw. His face was all disfigured. His skin was peeling off and showing what was under. He looked putrid, dead. Blood was dripping from his eyes and mouth.
He was not looking at the road anymore, instead he was reaching back for me. I am not stupid, I knew he was a zombie but it didn't seem real. Zombies are just in movies, why was my dad one of them? Was I dreaming? Am I still dreaming? I don't know... I'm scared.
I screamed and opened the car door and jumped out of the car. I watched it crash with three other cars... and my father was inside there. I know it seems like a scene cut out from a action movie, and that's what I was thinking at the moment. Now it doesn't seem so impossible, after all the things I've seen today.
The whole street was full of people running away and screaming. I didn't know if they were terrified of the same thing as me or just the car accident. I looked around me and I saw a group of zombies approaching me and other people. God, it doesn't seem real. Even writing this word makes me feel like I'm writing some weird story or a plot for a sci-fi movie. My first instinct was to run. And that's what I did.
I was so scared that I didn't even realized that I was really close to the school. I thought I should get inside and announce someone about what I've seen. A part of me also thought that I was imagining things and some friend of mine will be there and calm me down and tell me that they have no idea what I was talking about. Oh, how I wish that happened...
I got inside and I saw everybody freaking out and students running everywhere. It was the exact same thing that was on the street. It made no sense to go back outside, and I couldn't run forever. So I needed to find a place where to hide.
I knew that in the library was a small door in the ceiling that lead to some sort of attic. A really small one, that people used to deposit old books which wouldn't fit on the bookshelves. I decided to run to the library trying to avoid any zombies. On my way there I saw something that completely shocked me. It made my heart race and I don't think I've screamed any louder in my entire life.
One of the zombies caught a girl who was running and took a bite of her and the girl fell down. That creature actually bit her arm off and ate her whole arm like it was a chocolate bar. And even worse, the girl became one of them. She stood up and and she looked like a zombie. She started following other zombies and chased the scared students.
I was completely frozen. I was scared for my life and everybody's else. Is it really no way to stop these creatures? I continued to run to the library and somehow managed to push a zombie off me when it tried to bite my leg. I got inside the library and I was surprised to find that it was empty. I opened the trap to the small room and pushed the books away and made space for my body.
I am now here, in this small attic and writing in my diary. I figured it out that if I am going to die here I might as well write about what happened in case somebody survives and finds this diary. I don't know how this can help anyone but I saw some of them dead. So they can die. This thing that is happening can be somehow stopped. If I don't die here and somehow survive, I am going to take this journal with me and try to find other survivors.
I am so scared. What is happening? Is this really the end? What if nobody actually survives? This is the end of the world. This creatures are going to eat us and we will probably become zombies. How did this apocalypse even start? Where did these zombies come from? They look like infected people and when they bite you they make you one of them, they infect you, so clearly there must be a virus which affected a group of people and they spread it around the world. Well, this might be my last entry in this diary...
Oh my God, I heard the door of the library open and close. Did somebody else think to hide in here? I don't wanna get out, maybe they are zombies, not humans. If they are, I hope they don't find me. I don't think they will. This place is almost impossible to see and even harder to reach. So, I think I'm safe for no_____
I look at myself
And at the world around me
Will they ever accept me?
I look inside my mind
And see those weird thoughts.
Just like me.
I don't think
I'll ever meet up their expactations.
I don't think
I'll ever fit in this brainwashed society.
I always was.
Not like them.
Not good enough.
But what if your definition of good
Is my definition of bad?
And what if what seems normal to you
Is strange and unknown for me?
Then who am I?
What is the right description for me?
I am your weirdo
But also my special.
In your eyes I am creepy.
In mines I'm just sad.
You might think I am psychotic.
I think I'm just a creative person.
So how will I ever fit in?
Could we ever agree on
Only one adjective for me?
Could we ever have
The same opinion on myself?
But is it just me
Dealing with these questions?
Has gone though this...
How can we ever
Describe a person
When our definitions of most the words
I think I'm not perfect.
But he thinks I am.
Meanwhile, she thinks I'm too fat
And they think I'm too skinny.
That makes me wonder,
Will we ever be able
The answer is no.
In the end,
Are just different
I lie awake in bed
With voices in my head,
Those shadows on the wall...
I think I've lost it all.
My heart's broken,
My cuts - open
He left me... again.
I'm dying... again.
Voices keep screaming,
Eyes won't stop tearing.
My eyelids won't stick together
Because those thoughts won't leave me.
I'm staying awake forever.
Baby, don't try to cure me.
You said you'll stay
But you've gone away...
You said you love me,
How come you left me?
I'm still awake in bed
And my eyes are still red
'Cause I can't stop crying
And I think I'm dying.
How am I gonna live?
What am I gonna do?
How am I gonna breathe?
Now that you left me too...
Loving can be difficult
I sat in front of her. We were both on the floor, facing each other. I looked at her. One of my hands was on her knee. The other one was cupping her cheek, my thumb wiping a small tear.
She sat in front of me. She looked at me. One of her hands was next to her, blood dripping from her just cut wrists. The other one was holding the blade.
5 minutes later we were in exactly the same place. We didn't even need to talk. There was no need of any word exchanging. Our eyes spoke more than our words.
I watched her. She was crying, yet she was still as beautiful as she was when I first saw her. Her deep eyes, filled with tears, were showing one of the saddest story I've seen.
I lived with her for years. I love her. She loves me. I knew from the beggining what I was getting into. Being in a relationship with her was harder than I expected. But I couldn't stay away from her.
I know she suffered. I know she suffers. She is sad, broken and lost. So when I said I'll be forever by her side I meant that I'll help her go through this.
Yet she's still hurting. She's still feeling suicidal. She still hates herself. And she makes me hate myself too.
How could I live knowing that she is still suffering even though I promised her I'll cure her of this disease and send away those demons in her head?
How could I still like myself as a person when I just broke a promise I made to the love of my life?
She's looking at the ground. She's thinking of something, something that makes her sad 'cause I can see her start to shake. She looks at me and starts trembeling and shaking more. She's tearing up again. 'I'm..I-I am re-really so-sorry...' she starts whispering...
How could she ever think that? She could never dissapoint me and I could never be angry at her. But she's still shaking.
I take her hands in my own and put hers on my chest so she could feel my heart beat. I help her concetrate of the sound of my breathing and my heart pounding in my chest. Time passes by, but I know when she finally calmes down, I take her too the bathroom and clean her wounds.
It's not the first time I find her cutting. It actually happened a lot of times. Two weeks ago I found her right here in the bathroom with a knife in her hand.
She's hurting herself over and over, again and again. And it makes me so sad to see her in this state.
After I bandage her wrists, she hugs me tightly.
'I love you' she says.
'And I love you' I respond.
But is that true? Well I do have some powerful feelings for her, certainly. But is it love?
How could I love somebody who doesn't even love herself...?