I've imagined my death hundreds of times

The pain in my side

The tickle in my throat

The yellow in my eyes

These are all signs

Of an end soon to come

Of a body on borrowed time

Of songs left unsung

The words held back at the tip of my tongue

Is the cancer coating the back of my throat

My racing heart rushing to it's conclusions

Is a heart attack with no antidote

Tell me your opinion and I'll say I'm the exception

Try as you will, but your words offer no security

That 1% chance, that's most certainly me

They are the rule and I'm the obscurity

It's certainty until it's not

Another peace of my mind stolen away

And how long until the doubt checks-in again to stay

Burrowing deep in my skin, the itch logic can't outweigh

The watchful eye of death won't let me rest

Whether I'm happy or filled with dread

It's there in my head asking to be fed

"Something's off," it says.

"What is it," I ask

"Something," it cries

And my body lies

Shape shifting to meet it's reply

My own demise is always on my mind

My own mind is my greatest affliction

What happens when these thoughts are no longer fiction

Will I feel vindication in my infliction?

Or will I cry for the millions of lives I've already lost

And mourn the nights left to ruin in my own thoughts

What I wouldn't give to live a life

Where I didn't grieve my own death each night

I've imagined my death hundreds of times

The pain in my side

The tickle in my throat

The yellow in my eyes

These are all signs

Of an end soon to come

Of a body on borrowed time

Of songs left unsung

The words held back at the tip of my tongue

Is the cancer coating the back of my throat

My racing heart rushing to it's conclusions

Is a heart attack with no antidote

Tell me your opinion and I'll say I'm the exception

Try as you will, but your words offer no security

That 1% chance, that's most certainly me

They are the rule and I'm the obscurity

It's certainty until it's not

Another peace of my mind stolen away

And how long until the doubt checks-in again to stay

Burrowing deep in my skin, the itch logic can't outweigh

The watchful eye of death won't let me rest

Whether I'm happy or filled with dread

It's there in my head asking to be fed

"Something's off," it says.

"What is it," I ask

"Something," it cries

And my body lies

Shape shifting to meet it's reply

My own demise is always on my mind

My own mind is my greatest affliction

What happens when these thoughts are no longer fiction

Will I feel vindication in my infliction?

Or will I cry for the millions of lives I've already lost

And mourn the nights left to ruin in my own thoughts

What I wouldn't give to live a life

Where I didn't grieve my own death each night

The state of the world is giving me anxiety. 

The "heartwarming" news seem trite and saccharin 

while the hateful news seems all too often. 

So much to say with no microphone to talk in, except Facebook. 

And these algorithms don’t seem to pick up what I need to hear, what we need to hear. The conversation. 

And maybe I'm jaded. 

Maybe social media has my head in a tail spin. 

Up from down, right from wrong, I can't seem to tell the difference. 

Maybe I'm just tired. Of the arrogance. Of the hypocrisy. Of the hate. 

Nobody understands how to listen. 

We retweet, share and post what we already know. 

We all want the microphone but say the same damn things when the spotlight's shone. Consuming nothing but what feeds our current reality 

With vastness of information outside our door. 

In a state of cognitive dissonance down to our cores. 

And while I lament on the societal side effects of apathy 

Becoming more apathetic every day I wonder,

If anxiety precedes apathy, what comes after? 

What will break through this digital chatter? 

Maybe I just don't really know what to do anymore. 

Except be anxious about the state of the world. 

All the while hoping something more productive than anxiety and apathy takes hold. 

We’re tiny vessels in this big machine

Moving product and paper disguised as dreams

Fueled by fear and cheap champagne

Smuggling anesthetics to forget the pain

We walk these roads of self-deceit

Rain and oil swirled beneath our feet

Glowing bright to distract our eyes

From our bodies crumbling into inevitable demise

Brick by Brick these walls grow higher

Wall after wall we simply grow tired

Of breaking down these barriers

It’s a disease and we’re all carriers

We’d rather slowly rot from inside

Escape behind our walls to hide

Than stare love in the face

And break down these divides with grace

We’d rather slowly rot from inside

Escape behind our walls to hide

Than admit that we care

And lay our chests bare

So I’ll keep you at an arm’s length

Manipulate the definition of strength

So that it fits my present tense

So that it fits this perpetual state of loneliness

And I know you will do the same

It’s all the same baggage with a different name

We’ll lie naked like lovers

But we could not be any more covered

The digital web of egos shout, “I’m right”

While logic drowns in digital noise

Submerged in static, too blind to see

It’s not bombs, guns or military toys

That’s not what will destroy

This arrogance, This ignorance

Talking with our ears closed

Trust me my friends

Our weakness we’ve long since exposed

There is a scream inside my head

And it will not let me rest

Around me, the silence is maddening

Inside me, this scream is deafening

It envelopes every resting thought

It swallows my imagination

Around me, others walk contently

Inside me, my heart paces rapidly

This scream in my head is rather needy

Time of day or responsibilities are not priorities

It decides when to come and go

Not satiated with yes or no

It needs complex answers to impossible questions

To hear it’s echoes in places unmentioned

Legitimacy, it needs

For the panic and guilt it feeds

So where’s my release?

It’s certainly not in this 10 x 12 box

With chipped walls and ceiling rot

It’s not in this endless stream on my laptop

The stream of sound that lives in me

So loud I can’t remember to breath

It’s the cancer that rots my bones

The substance abuse that kills my soul

The scream that none but I know

That slowly etches its toll

These content beings in their silence, kill me

Just shut up and give me peace

If not peace, give me apathy

For once, let me feel nothing

Or find a way through the synapses of my brain

Down my left or right membranes

Through my fists or my mouth

Please, just get out

Quit tainting my every thought with dry rot

Quit drowning me in negativity

Distracting me from possibility

Let me be

When I try to muffle the cries

This screaming, I can’t subside

Like it lives deep within me

In parts I can’t reach

So I carry on in this metaphorical box

With chipped walls and ceiling rot

All the while, this scream in my head

Steals the night from me again

There is a scream inside my head

And it will not let me rest

Around me, the silence is maddening

Inside me, this scream is deafening

It envelopes every resting thought

It swallows my imagination

Around me, others walk contently

Inside me, my heart paces rapidly

This scream in my head is rather needy

Time of day or responsibilities are not priorities

It decides when to come and go

Not satiated with yes or no

It needs complex answers to impossible questions

To hear it’s echoes in places unmentioned

Legitimacy, it needs

For the panic and guilt it feeds

So where’s my release?

It’s certainly not in this 10 x 12 box

With chipped walls and ceiling rot

It’s not in this endless stream on my laptop

The stream of sound that lives in me

So loud I can’t remember to breath

It’s the cancer that rots my bones

The substance abuse that kills my soul

The scream that none but I know

That slowly etches its toll

These content beings in their silence, kill me

Just shut up and give me peace

If not peace, give me apathy

For once, let me feel nothing

Or find a way through the synapses of my brain

Down my left or right membranes

Through my fists or my mouth

Please, just get out

Quit tainting my every thought with dry rot

Quit drowning me in negativity

Distracting me from possibility

Let me be

When I try to muffle the cries

This screaming, I can’t subside

Like it lives deep within me

In parts I can’t reach

So I carry on in this metaphorical box

With chipped walls and ceiling rot

All the while, this scream in my head

Steals the night from me again