One of Those Days
Do you ever just have those days where you just feel like a shit person, alone, living a shitty life with no purpose, going absolutely nowhere?
Or is that just me.
Have you ever fell for that seemingly perfect guy, only to find out he’s the wrong kind of perfect, the kind you can never have, but finding yourself stuck in love and wanting every part of what you can’t have?
Or is that just me.
Do you ever have those days where you just want to sleep all day long because life has made you physically tired and every time you wake up you literally cry a river, to the point where you have no tears left to cry and your Kleenex box is empty?
Or is that just me.
Are there times where you feel like your family and friends don’t see you, or even care for that matter, because you don’t fit the mould, because they just can’t seem to understand why you don’t want what they want?
Or is that just me.
Do you constantly feel like your life is spinning out of control, that you’re losing your mind, that the storm has taken your boat and you’re left to drown in the middle of the ocean, your only remaining purpose in life to be eaten by the sharks?
Or is that me.
On one hand I don’t want to be the only one, cause if I am, then what’s the point?
But on the other hand, I hope I am the only one, because to be honest, it’s a sad and shitty life that I don’t want anyone else to have to experience.
It’s just been one of those days ... one of those weeks.
I need to sleep for a week and wake up to push a restart button on my life.
If only it was that simple to fix.
Magic happens with you babe.
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s being wrapped up in your arms, living out our passions. Or when you became my first kiss, and then my second, and third.. well now I’ve lost count to be honest. Maybe it’s just simply being happy listening to you sing as you play your guitar for me. Maybe it’s because I feel more comfortable with you than I have with anyone else. Or maybe it’s that feeling of calm when we’re laying together, my head on your chest.
But when I’m with you, nothing else seems to matter, tomorrow doesn’t exist, and whatever we want we can have.
But then, morning comes, and we wake up in our separate lives, and it feels like we’re worlds apart.
This could never actually work. You and me. We are just two completely different paths, while broken in similar ways, we were never actually supposed to cross over each other. But somehow we did.
And for that brief moment, it was perfect. We were happy. And in that moment, we both considered maybe this is possible.
But I got scared. And so I stepped back. That night, my heart cried out so loud; it felt like I had crushed my soul. Because that’s what losing you felt like. And I know it hurt you just as much. I could see it in your eyes, and in the way you tried to convince me that we could overcome anything, if I would just give it one more chance.
You told me that night, for the first time, that you loved me.
And while I didn’t say it then, I can see now that I loved you too.
And if I’m being honest, I still do.
And while we’re being honest, no matter how much love can overcome, we both realized that we could not be.
Our needs for a future didn’t match up, and in the end, could be destructive if not dealt with now. And as much as it hurt to let you go, I can’t keep you knowing that I can’t give you everything you need in life. That would just be selfish of me.
Someone once said, “sometimes, when you love something, the best thing you can do is just let it go.”
And that’s what I’m doing. I’m letting you go, so that you can find someone else, someone who can give you what I can’t. And because I care about you and love you, I want you to have all the love and happiness in life that you deserve. Which is more than I can give.
And while we both enjoy those nights together, those magical nights. They’re just a facade of something that can’t be. And while we’ll always have apart of each other’s heart, we have to let each other go.
Anything less would just be selfish love.
My Angel Builds Mansions
I wish time would just slow down.
This day was never supposed to come. We weren't supposed to grow up this fast, because we could never be prepared for the things that happen next. Life was so much easier when all of us were younger and you were too. Life was never easy on you. You had that major accident too early in your life. But you powered through it, and you got better. You were never back to one hundred percent, but you tried your hardest to get as close as you could get. You did it for your wife, you did it for your kids, and you did it for us. It wasn't your time to go then, but it is now. Your fighting days are over, and all your strength has just been erased from you. I wish time would just slow down to the point where it would start to reverse; reverse and go back to those days when everything was good and we were all young. You always used to talk about the good old days, and we always thought that they were long long ago, not realizing how close they actually were.
I wish I could spend one more day with you.
One more sleepover, one more day helping you get the mail before work, one more Sunday morning with you in church. One more cookie that you would claim was a reject, one more game of Checkers, one more song that we would sing together, one more solution to all the problems that seemed to appear in my life. One more driving lesson, one more swimming lesson, one more holiday get together, one more song on the accordian, one more kiss goodbye. One more "hey doll," one more "I love you," one more Happy Birthday voicemail. And then with all of this colleciton of one mores, together we could have another whole lifetime of memories, that way I would never have to truly say goodbye.
I wish you didn't have to go.
I know that every day is a blessing. I know that there were times that we could have lost you years ago, and that these extra years with you have been a gift. I know that it's the circle of life, and I know that you're going somewhere better. I know that you'll see Jesus, and I know you'll be able to walk again. I know you'll still love me, and I know I'll never forget you. I know that you would love to stay, but I also know that you're ready to go. And even after knowing all of this, it doesn't make this any easier. We knew this day was coming, but it doesn't mean we wanted it too. I want to be selfish, and I want to keep you for as long as I can. But that's not how life works. And while you may not be here physically, I know that you'll always be with me, and that you'll always be watching over me making sure that I'm safe. And that even though you're not here, you're never truly gone.
I wish I didn't have to say goodbye.
So I won't. We'll say "until we meet again." Because we will see each other again. So... until we meet again Allen. Save me a spot next to you, friend. Go be one of Heaven's builders, and prepare the mansions for all who come next.
I love you grandpa. Always will.
I have found two things to be true in my life.
Number 1: People like to tell me things.
Number 2: I tend to be wrong… a lot.
I had a teacher tell me once that I was bright,
That I could understand things past the comprehension of others,
That I was on the fast track for a successful future –
I used to think that was true.
I was wrong…
it’s easy to be smart when you’re in a room full of idiots.
My mother tells me that I remind her of herself when she was my age,
That she was young and beautiful,
That she had style and spunk,
That our beings are more alike than not –
I used to be embarrassed of the similarities between us.
I was wrong…
my mother is a strong woman.
There was this boy who told me that I was beautiful,
Who told me he saw his whole world in my eyes,
Who told me that he loved me… that he loved me for me –
I used to think that wasn’t true.
I was wrong…
not everyone looks at me the way I do.
A man once told me he saw the ghost of my tears in my soul,
That he saw a knife wedged into my heart,
That he heard the deafening scream of my mind –
I used to think he was crazy.
I was wrong…
because I hear them now too.
My Demon Within
Depression is the deepest depths of the darkest places overtaking your soul. It is like a hug from someone holding knife; keeping you enveloped in a comfort bubble shielding you from reality, telling you that this is the only place that you could ever be loved, while they stab you from behind, never letting you forget your imperfections, always reminding you that no one could ever want you, no one could ever love you, and that no matter how hard you try, no one will ever accept you for who you truely are. Depression is like being in an abusive relationship, but with yourself. There are no physical scars or bruises, well sometimes there are, but most of the damage is on the inside. Depression is not knowing how to love yourself, not knowing how to be loved by someone else, not knowing how to love someone else. It is a demon taking residence in your body slowly crushing your heart, your soul, and your mind. Depression is social isolation into a dark room where friends and family are not allowed, where you can escape to an augmented reality of fiction so that you can spare yourself of a few hours of the painful reality that is your life. Depression is not knowing how to deal with emotions, it's breaking down and crying and becoming an emotional mess, letting go of years of pain in an hour sob session because in every other day, you don't allow yourself to feel or expel those emotions, causing them to build in pressure and number harboring them inside until it physically hurts to wake up in the morning. Depression is building a wall around yourself so that no one can ever get in, because fear that they will hurt you and break your heart, but at the same time knowing that no one could hurt you any worse than you have already hurt yourself. Depression is being convinced that you are broken, and that there is no possible way ever that you could ever be fixed. Depression is my demon that just won't leave.
Masterpiece of the Unknown
Some say that the unknown is controlled by the cosmos.
And some say that the unknown is only unknown by us,
yet is however known,
by a spiritual being or higher power,
omniscient in reputation.
And to some,
the unknown is an abyss of possibilities,
of which presents itself to each and every future moment.
And while the unknown may bring stress and worry to some,
to others it brings wonder and imagination,
because an unknown future means infinite possibilities.
And for those right-minded people of the world,
an offer of infinate possibilities
becomes their blank canvas
for them to paint the masterpiece of their life upon.
I'm not gonna lie, for myself personally, I would like to think that the unknown is non existent for an infinite, higher being. That everything that is happening in my life are all the strokes of his masterpiece, and unbeknownst to me, make a work of art that would leave Michelangelo in awe and wonder. And I think that I am given bits and pieces of knowledge here and there, as I need them, because my finite mind could not possibly comprehend the majesticness of the entirety of what will ultimately be the masterpiece of me. But what I am most excited for, is when the last stroke is performed, when I take a final breath, when I am presented with the knowledge of the unknown, and I can see the masterpiece in its entirety. What a beautiful day that will be..
The Reason Why I Cry
Do you like to see me cry? Is that your end goal in life? To see me cry, and unhappy, and miserable in this life? Does it bring you joy? Does it make you happy?
I am sorry that we do not see eye to eye. And I am sorry that my very existence disappoints you. And I am sorry that by me being in your life, your life is worsened. For this I am sorry. Don’t worry though. I will do that for you. I will do all the worrying for you. I will worry about finding someone who will love me. Finding someone whose mission and goal in life is to make me smile rather than make me cry. I will find someone who is happy to be with me through my ups and downs. Someone in whom I am happy to be with too. Will that make you happy? Probably not. Because if I am happy then you are not happy, and that is the burden of us.
Soon you will have your wish. Soon you will be happy. For soon I will be out of your life, somewhere in which my life will not affect yours, and yours will not affect mine. A life in which, somehow by a miracle, we can both exist and yet both be happy. A life in which all the tears will be gone. Soon that day will come, do not worry. For I will worry for you. For that day shall be my salvation. That day shall be my unending joy. That day shall be the start of a new me. The start of a new life. A better life.
But for now, I will cry. I will cry because it makes you happy. Because it makes you satisfied. I try not to, you know. I try not to cry. To make it look as if your words, and your actions, and your hatred do not affect me. And I try really hard at it too. But a girl can only take so much. And at last I must cry.
I know that you do not know what you are doing. I know that you think this is love. But I must tell you, that to me, it does not feel like love. It feels like annoyance. It feels like disgust. It feels like anything except love. I tried really hard to love you. I really did. I had decided that my happiness wasn’t worth it if I did not love you. However, in the end, when all your happiness is gone, when the love is not returned, and when you realize that you have been living for nothing, then there is nothing left for you to do but to leave, to hope, to cry.
And so I will cry until there are no more tears to cry. Until there is nothing left to cry for. Until you are gone and I can rest. Until that day when I can be happy. But until then, my bed shall be my tears. And I will cry.
How does someone accomplish something,
that they have absolutely no experience in,
something that in relative realistic terms,
in their life is an anomoly by all means of accomplishment?
Can you go against your upbringing and common knowledge,
just to feel rebellion?
How do you take the impossible and make it your reality?
How can you change the most defining aspects of someone,
to make achieving a dream even possible?
Or do you have to change them at all?
Is it possible for two totally different realities to resist fate,
everything that is written out for them,
in order to exist at once within the same life?
Who is strong enough to fight the stars,
to reorganize the constellations of a soul?
And once you do that,
mixed with the unknown of all,
what then will become of your future?
Who will you be?
Where will you go?
Full Yet Alone
What used to be cold and empty and full of longing- longing to be connected to each experience. Longing to be happy. Longing to feel the love given to me from others.
What is now filled- filled with joy and happiness. Filled again with love to share with others who in return love me.
And yet stilling lacking. Losing those in which I had planned to love fully. Suddenly my heart is full. Full yet alone.
Never Again. Never again will I let someone else define who I am. For the first 19 years of my life, I lived off of the expectations and approval of those who are the most important in my life, thinking that that was how you earn their love. I was wrong. I quickly lost myself to the expectations, confused as to who I even was. Me, the one person that should know me the best, hardly knew any truth of myself at all. My joy and happiness in life started to dissipate.
So I reversed my life, slowly started to take things away, wanting to start over with a clean slate, or as much as a start over as you can get when you're 19. I filled my life with my interests and things that made me happy. I started to live my life based on my goals and my expectations, and I was succeeding and was beginning to love life again. And the amazing part is that the people who had had those original expectations for me, while it took some time for them to accept my changes, they still loved me and they were just as proud of me.
So never again will I allow my life to be run by others.