you deserve her

you don't know who she is yet

she hasn't walked into your life yet

at least you won't think so

fate is uncertain, a path of mysteries that develop perfectly

each strangely shaped seemingly random piece

falling into place oh-so exquisitely

she's caring

proud to be yours

ultra-intuitive

never hurts your feelings

funny, sure, but thinks you're the most hilarious thing to walk the earth

tells you everything

and you remember all of it

talks but she's okay with silence

you like silence

you find it comforting

whether she's like you or completely different is still yet to be discovered

left up in the air

she speaks quietly when she's serious

uses her head

she looks at you like a muse

she inspires you to wake up every morning

she's cool with being cringe

you like slow-burn

best friends slowly developing feelings

calling all night

the way your legs touch and she doesn't pull away

the way her hand rests in the crook of your elbow

the way she runs to you first

both of you with secret knowing smiles on your faces

knowing you've found your person

realizing you can tell her

both with a secret

but when you call to confess

she says

'i like you too'

or maybe she calls

gives you a gushing explanation

everything she loves about you

the way you always notice when someone's down

the way you care enough to know the smallest details

the way you aren't ever embarrassed of yourself or your ideas

the way you don't pretend, ever

and you say

'finally'

she will appear only when the time is right

life creates destiny when ready

and promise you

she'll be there waiting for you

Mirror mirror on the wall

who is the fairest of them all?

not you my queen

for your soul is hideous

it bares scars from long ago

wounds barely masked with bandages of feigned confidence

pockmarks of envy and inability to love unconditionally

gashes of hatred

bruised with insecurity

for you shall never be the fairest

but dear mirror

i try

im a good person

dont actions outweigh thoughts?

i raise a daughter, treat her as my own

teach her not to make my mistakes

let her remain unblemished by the evils of the world

i swallow resentment

and i try to heal my soul

but much as i cannot will broken bones to heal

i cannot will my soul to become whole again

for it is damaged

i am damaged

nevertheless

the fairest is a pure soul

one who does not make mistakes

one who has remained good throughout

one who has never strayed from the path of righteousness

one whose mind is carefree and innocent

weightless conscious

not like you my queen

never you my queen

for you are damaged

broken

hefty but of no substance

your actions are for naught

to be the fairest

all must fail

the good must be erased

green must be violet

the sun must stop rising

the sky will snow a sheet of red not white

and the world must be hit with a landslide and tip upside down

until then you my queen cannot

i feel like i could watch us back like a tape

uncertainty turned to friendship to an unbreakable bond back to strangers

and this time of year i begin to miss you again

there are so many this is adressed to

so many this applies to

one after another

each a former holder of the title

my favorite person

i begin unsure

a stranger

friend of a friend

a little wary

but we become friends

one became like my sister

her house became a second home

i could tell her anything

i would kill for her

she had her flaws

but i could look around them

it ended in a big betrayal

disgust

a few years of learning to live without each other

learning to find others to lean on

someone who wouldn't embarrass me to make herself look better

someone who wasn't so desperate to get away

someone who could look me in the eye when she called me her best friend

she said i was her favorite person first

but even though i never said it

im the only one who actually meant it

and she left my life

i wave when i see her

we went for boba once

but we'll never be what we were

and it still hurts years later

one allowed me to become his confidant, his advisor

we laughed a lot

i would help him with his crazy schemes for popularity

i never realized that it meant casting me aside

i don't think he ever achieved it though

he kept wanting to date different girls

use them

it weirded me out

but i knew they would never like him

so i never said anything

usually im the talker

and whoever else would be my advisor

tell me i was being stupid

but he was the loud one of the two of us

we got asked if we were dating a lot

but i never saw him romantically

just as a soul

someone i loved being around

we would call every night

until it was my turn to ask him for advice

he interrupted

i lied

begged others to cover for me

and we were never the same

i texted a couple times

but never the same

i hope he's doing well

his birthday just passed

one became someone to lean on

he was the one i wanted to run to

one to tell every detail about myself

but he would never remember any of it

he never cared about me as much as i did him

i was the talker

he was boring

obnoxious

lame

insecure and arrogant

immature

but i liked talking to him

and he would listen

and we were more than friends

but less than anything more

to be honest i thought he was attractive at first

that weird painful stage

when you can't stop talking to someone

and then they're gone

when they say absolutely disgusting things

you can live through it

he made me feel small and stupid

i can't live with that

when they slowly disappear from your life

it hurts so much more

i had a special ringtone for just him

it has since been retired

hes just a guy who knows so much more about me than he should

i hope he finds growth

i hope he learns and betters himself

i remember each and every one of you

every moment

remembering that you were my favorite person

the reason i got out of bed in the morning

i hope i was yours

i wish you all well

its not like we grew apart

it always ends in explosion

anger

betrayal

stangers

you left barbs in my heart and soul

my ability to let people in

my trust

my belief in humanity

and theres a hole shaped like each of you in my head

and no matter how much i try to fill it

it wont go away

i learned from each of you

from the first:

how to talk

how letting go was okay

how to be loyal

how to have fun

from the second:

how to live

how to tolerate

how to move on

how to be brave

from the third:

how to have will

how to know when to stop

how to not morph into something i despise

i appreciate you all

i would be lying if i said i hate you

i guess we just aren't the same people as when i knew you

now you are all just someone i used to know

someone who i let in once

someone who lost the keys

i genuinely loved you once

but now you are

the same as a stranger

but yet so much more

i hate my best friend's boyfriend

like i don't really know him on a deep level

but i hate him

he was just whatever for a while

he seems boring

really boring

vanilla through and through

and shes so funny

so exciting

so hot fudge brownie mint chip with whipped cream and a cherry on top

like he was just a brick placed on her back

dragging her to drown

i figured it was an opposites-attract thing

if she was happy i would keep my two sense to myself

then he made her cry

he lied

he's her first boyfriend

she was so excited

he told her she was his first relationship

maybe he wanted her to feel safer

maybe he wanted to relate to her better

but he lied

and lemme tell you she found out

these shitty sophomores told her

gloating

called her a whore

and they broke up

for like a month

then i had to hear his name

over and over again

back together

and i had my doubts

my mother says

fool me once shame on you

fool me twice shame on me

i don't go near liars

i don't let people make my friends cry

you ever watch someone drop a glass mug?

you know its going to shatter

but its already on its way to the floor

there's nothing to do

but watch it break

she's my best friend

and now she's so boring

like him

she literally can't talk about anything

and she just acts like him

and thats a bad thing lemme tell you that

she deserves so much better

he literally never talks about her

and she exclusively hangs out with his friends

but none of us have really ever met him

he abandons her for his friends at the drop of a hat

but she puts him above everyone and everything

they're the kind of couple

where everyone knows shes settling

and ask

how he got her

not to be shallow

but hes ugly too

hes dumb too

not like cute adorable dumb

like dumb where you want to slap him

he asked me what lice was yesterday

keep in mind

he treats her a far throw from good

like he doesn't care

he doesn't care about anything she likes

how could anyone not care when she cares so much

shes the kind of person who goes 110

she doesn't halfass on people she cares about

shes the kind of person to go get your favorite candy on a whim because you mentioned it in passing once

shes the kind of person to throw herself into your problems

she won't cuss anyone out but she'll give you advice to handle it adequately

shell guarantee you that a boy who has no interest in you

'wants you so bad'

she doesn't even know the word jealousy

she genuinely wants you to be happy

but she told me she thinks they're getting married

but everyone knows she's too good for him

everyone

i know it makes me a bad person

but i hope he fucks up

so she'll break up with him

i mean she's happier in a relationship

but he sucks

like genuinely sucks so much

i think she likes the idea of him

a boyfriend

not him as a boyfriend

maybe i don't 'get the hype'

but he just isn't great

and she deserves so much more

than a guy who doesn't care

I was obsessed with color as a kid

I wanted to make as many as possible and see everything

I never really got the idea that some colors are ugly

like yea they can look ugly together or on someone

bland maybe

but by itself

not really ugly

you know how dogs can only see blue and yellow because they have less color receptors?

turns out we’re like that too

some species can see so much more than use

ill never be able to see so much

you know how colorblind people see red and green as grey?

what if im like that?

Red and green, blue and orange

what if they aren’t just brown but really colors I just cant see?

A million colors that can’t even be named

My eyes just won’t let me

so many things are just impossible

Everyone just tells me to try harder

no matter how hard I try I can only see what I can see

id like to tell you that I’m getting better

that I‘ve moved on

that I change dreams

that I’ve accepted reality

that I’ve settled

but its more like

I’m haunted by what can never be

are humans inherently good or evil?

those who say good are naive

they hope for a better world

they say babies are all born pure and innocent

those who say evil are cynical

they want the world to match their perception of it

the correct answer is neither

babies are born pure yes, but not pure anything

think about how much media there is on not killing babies

characters in movies trying to kill baby Hitler, just to change their minds at the last second

Odyseuss slaughtering an infant for its potential

people are born a true neutral

its just potential and circumstance that veer any which way

the rest is what they learn from the world

evils mold people

it makes them cold and hard and believe that people all live with hate in their hearts

its the way we cope without recognizing that we ourselves lean more towards evil

it justifies us

those faced with evil who view humanity as good are an enigma

how do they face so much loss and horror and believe in innate goodness?

they allow experiences to make them stronger

muscle, not iron

good and evil don't really mean anything

they're just words we made up to demonize some and appraise others

some deserve to be looked up to and others deserve to be condemned

but to call an entire species good or bad is quite another

our brains are too complex for most of us to be completely one or the other

I wonder

I've only ever had one person like me

like like me

like me like that

my best friend

i mean we like did all the stupid friend shit

laugh until we cry, skip down the block, have stupid inside jokes

i mean obviously just friends

at least i thought so

granted maybe i should have been suspicious

i mean she's never liked anyone since I've known her

but i kinda assumed it was because everyone we know is ugly; inside or out

i mean she wanted to hold hands all the time

but i thought she was just kind of Like That TM

i think we've hugged like once, and she hugs everyone

she did the whole like haha wouldn't it be funny if we kissed

but that's just like a schtick right?

in my defense, there were very very few signs

we called every night all last summer

i mean that's what best friends do

we literally had nothing to talk about

no school

polar opposites

I'm loud, confrontational, funny, and no one's ever called me boring, trust me

-- no hate-- but she's not

honestly i was a little jealous of her

i mean she has parents who love her and know how to show it

easily made friends

no one talking behind her back

I'm a little jealous of a lot of people though

i would go to sleep and try not to fantasize about having what she had

she was my best friend

i'd push down and hopefully out

see it's a big problem of mine

I'm a really jealous person

I'm working on it

I'm happy for my friends of course,

but i still feel a little pang of being left behind

i used to wonder if she felt the same

perhaps

i remember telling myself she was a much better friend than me mentally

a little flaky, but she didn't resent people like me

she told me she liked me

last week of August

more i pressured it out of her than told

i asked her if she liked anyone

she's a horrible liar

i knew as soon as she said no

i have such a strong recollection of just going

oh shit

my eyes must have looked like saucers

i hung up

called like four people for advice

called her back a few hours later

i mean i guess we're fine now

we pretend it never happened

there's always going to be space between us though

it's like when you get gelato from the heaping piles towering in every flavor imaginable

you'll always get a little bit of a flavor you didn't ask for stuck to your dessert

it's come up a couple times since

i try to figure out why she liked me

genuinely i can't think of a reason

granted my self-image is shit, but i cant think of a lot

don't get me wrong- i think I'm fun and awesome but not exactly dating material

at least not for her

she needs someone softer and more wholesome

not someone with so much shit in their head

i guess I'm her type

she calls it 'feral and protective'

in my defense, i did not know that

i try to figure out how much she liked me

did she think about me before she goes to bed?

did i make it into her dreams?

did she get butterflies in her stomach when I called her?

did she kick up her feet texting me?

did she rant about me to all her friends?

did she want me to take her out?

does she still?

she took years to get over her last crush

apparently that crush is kind of like me

I was dead convinced that that's why she liked me:

a replacement for the one she couldn't have

and to my understanding it ended badly and is a sore subject

i asked if she still liked me "as a joke"

but i was just a litttlllee curious

she wouldn't answer

ughhhh

theres another guy

hes loud and obnoxious

hes annoying, but hes self aware at least

he has no filter and is honestly a little dumb

i don't mind

he kind of reminds me of myself

my friends tell me that if i was a guy i would be him

ill never admit to liking him

ever

its obvious but ill never say it out loud

everyone says he's too much of a joke

too short

too ugly

too much of a class clown

i don't see it

he's got a bad record with girls; no one ever likes him back

he's got a brother that they all swoon for though

but he puts himself out there and seems really sweet

part of the reason i like him

but he'll never like me back

i know his type

it's not me

if i was a guy id be like him, but if he was a girl he wouldn't be like me at all

he's an odd one

i hated him

i mean i've always thought he was cute

but so fucking irritating

he's just too friendly, too confident

it freaked me out

he offers to go through classwork with anyone or make witty (read: idiotic) comments on t-shirts

shows you memes that aren't really funny but has him dying

sleeps through half his classes, and doesn't hide it very well at that

he asks for the pull tabs off your soda

says he's gonna make them into bracelets and sell them

i doubt he's ever tried

he plays poker at lunch

that boy is so obvious

his tells are really obvious but no one ever calls him out

he overcompensates way too much on every bluff

im surprised he's not in debt

he asks people he barely knows to arm wrestle him

he offers advice he is not qualified to give in the slightest

he slurs all his words together when he's talking but his eyes sparkle when he delivers a punchline

honestly i wish i was a little more like him

but i feel bad

he gets excluded sometimes

i wonder if he knows

even by kids he thinks are his friends

he's just not invited

not out of malice, they just kind of forget about him or decide its not his scene

i mean he was my freshman year gym class partner

all my then-friends would pair together

leaving me alone

so alone

i wonder if he was like that too

i mean neither of us could throw a baseball to save our lives but he actually tried

at the time i thought it was so sad

but i guess i respect it now

he puts so much of himself into everything

he just seems so genuine

how does he have so much trust?

i don't know if i actually like him or if i just admire him

i mean he's attractive but i don't know if i see him like that

i think its more a sense of being drawn to someone

he's a lot of what i wish i could be

parts of me i keep hidden

i'll never tell anyone

he's just so boring

I don't even know him that well

cuz usually i like a guy

we become friends

i realize he sucks

rinse and recycle

there's nothing wrong with him on paper

funny, ridiculously smart, self aware

but i don't know

he just doesn't seem like a person

like nothing behind the eyes

is he too smart?

he's nice and understanding

but i think he's too smart for me

near perfect SAT: no prep, 4.0, took my junior year math in seventh grade

like he isn't even an ass about it

but it just feels weird

and he's so boring

he just doesn't like anything interesting

and he doesn't know what to talk about

and we have nothing to talk about

the dynamic is off

no shitty banter

no joking

no saying things we could get canceled for

I think I mentioned him to my friends like twice

and he doesn't like me at all

i'll deal

but it was one sided at best

desperate at worst

immediate connection

slow painless fade

I don't even know why I liked him

usually it's a yoyo

a conflict

do i like him? am i over it?

usually I would mourn my feelings

what could have been

but i feel nothing

liking him just felt unnatural

like I knew it could never go anywhere

and its all gone

he doesn't suck

he's just a guy I know

and im okay with that

inspiration is like the tides

it nips at your feet when it rolls in and leaves without a moments notice

when it's high perhaps you'll have more

when it's low you'll feel a painful empty drought

so you sit

your feet dry out like leather

the salt lapping until your flesh wares away just leaving your bones

and then the tide takes those too

but you can't escape

no-- don't want to escape

you live but as a slave to the tides

driven by your inspiration, your muses

you wish you could dive in and drown surrounded by humanity; hopes, dreams, failures, sadness, joy

you want it to engulf every inch of your soul and leave you with nothing

no pain

no worries

nothing but the tides