A RACE OF DOOM
It started out innocently
Or so I thought
A small touch on the side of my breast
A graze at the back of my thigh
I tried to excuse it in my head
Because this isn’t something that happens to real people
But you got bolder
Your hand was creeping under my skirt
I tried to move away but you gripped me hard
Making it clear there was no escape for me
At the back of my mind I was hoping this was all a bad dream
But it couldn’t be, because the dread I felt was too real
The twisting in my stomach too much
I told you to stop but you wouldn’t
You knew you had me in a tight spot
I couldn’t scream because no one would hear
And at the back of my mind I was scared that if people heard me, I would become the girl that was abused
Your hand was on my breast now
I was crying, pleading but you wouldn’t listen
I tried pushing you but you were too strong
Your hand was now in the sacred area between my legs
I couldn’t take it anymore so I used all the strength I had to push until you let go
Then I ran and ran and ran
Right now I'm still running
Running to the bottle of whiskey
Running towards sex
Trying to take back the control I lost
Running towards the pills
Trying to forget
Running from my mind because I can't handle the craziness
I don't think I can stop running this race that is ruining my life.
It was a Thursday night, my friends and I were party hopping. We just got to a party which would be our final destination before we head home. We stood at the gate of the house were the party was holding and then I saw this guy standing by the entrance of the house, at that moment I could only describe him as beautiful and I was so fiercely attracted to him. I kept on staring at him and I thought he was looking at me too. I was so shy and I'm never shy. I however, summoned the courage to walk up to him and I spoke to him for a while that is until he said the four words I didn't want to hear "I Have A Girlfriend" I was so disappointed but I smiled and left.
The thing is maybe I am overreacting but at that time I felt like I had found the one. I had never felt that way before and the was even while I was talking to him he kept on checking my even though we are friends now and it seems utterly ridiculous to have felt that way and I'm sure it was the alcohol I can't help but hope I feel that way again.
I used to love writing,
I was good at it and it came easily to me,
I mean what was better than being able to write about your thoughts and feelings.
I loved how I could have written something a year ago but when I read it i felt like I was feeling the emotions all over.
You see, I have these moments when I just want to cry for the sake of it,
And it was so easy crying over my past.
At the start of the year, I asked God for a lot of things
And it seemed like God listened to me
I seemed to be getting what I wanted
And then my luck changed
I felt so much pain that I thought I would never heal
But I did heal but,
Instead of going back to being me
I stopped feeling
And now I can't write
The only thing I seem to be able to write about is how much I can't write
I'm so scared
I don't know what to do
I need your help
AND THEN THERE WAS FEAR
It all happened like a joke. I just wanted to help, be a good student for the first time in my life and so I accepted to go to his office that day even with the warning bells ringing in my mind I still went. Till this day I wonder why I went there and as much as I hate to admit it I still blame myself for what happened after that.
When he called me I wasn’t really available but I decided to go anyway. I can tell you today that it was the biggest mistake of my life. It all started normally with nothing to be worried about but then he came to sit beside me, I felt a sudden jolt of fear but he used the disguise of teaching and I naively believed that that was all there was.
He started touching me, here and there, innocent touches it seemed. At this point though, I felt fear deep in my bones. I had never felt the deep gut wrenching fear before. I tried to leave but he wouldn’t let me. I couldn’t scream because at that moment when I was facing my worst fear all I could think about was the stigma it would leave if I had screamed.
I endured it all while screaming and hoping and praying for it to end. It was the single worst day of my life. The fear inhibited me in ways I didn’t even know. The fear made me go crazy. I wanted to be strong and unaffected, I put on a smile when all I felt was despair. I was a mess though, and I kept on telling myself I had no right to feel that way. I told myself that if I wasn’t penetrated then nothing happened but that didn’t stop the fear I felt. It didn’t stop the terror in my bones I felt anytime something vaguely reminded me of that night. I was so desperate to forget that I did anything and everything I . It made me so reckless. I would have done anything to be normal again, who am I kidding I did anything and everything. In my desperation I fell for the wrong guy but sometimes I thank God for him because if he wasn’t there to distract me when I needed it most I wouldn’t be past that and I wouldn’t be stronger.