Lately I've been feeling bold,

perhaps it's just the meds.

But I kind of want to chase this feeling

and see where it leads.

It already has led me to changing my hair

and putting more effort into myself.

but should I reach out?

Text him to see if he actually wants to get coffee

or if it was just something nice he said.

Should I give this a chance

or just allow myself to let my life pass me by

without doing anything about it?

Perhaps I'll give it a shot

but I'm more likely to revert back to my old ways

and not take a single chance on life.

I want to write a love story

without a happy ending

which seems sinful in a way.

What would be the point of writing a romance

if there isn't a happy ending at the finale?

Well,

My logic is

that life doesn't always give us that happy ending

that we so desire.

Sometimes,

we think it's going to happen for us,

and it just doesn't.

I've been told

that no one would read this book.

Because why would we want to read something so heartbreakingly close to real life?

But maybe that's just what we need.

Something to wake us up

and say

that we can choose our own destiny

and our lives don't have to be filled with

what ifs.

Feel free to comment if you would/wouldn't read a book like this.

I'm someone who really likes media when it kind of shows us the raw deal of lif, but maybe that's just me.

I sometimes think it's strange

that people will have conversations about dating

and never ask me about my dating life.

Not that I have much to say on the matter,

but I feel like nobody asks me if I am seeing anyone

or if I am even interested in dating.

Is it so weird for me to want that?

Is it so weird for me ot have that desire?

It makes me feel like no one thinks

that I am worthy of love.

It makes me feel like it is so unlikely that I will ever meet someone,

no one can even picture me dating.

It makes me sad.

It makes me feel like deep down,

all the negative thoughts I have about myself all the time are indeed true.

That there is something wrong with me

and I will never be worthy of love.

Is there something wrong with me?

Like,

I genuinely need to know.

Is there something about me truly unlovable

that I can't get the attention of anyone?

I hate that I crave validation

from those around me.

But I miss being loved

and held

and appreciated.

What is wrong with me

that I don't get that?

Is it because I don't do my hair

or my makeup?

Is it because I'm shy

or sometimes get mad?

Am I just an unlikeable person

that can't see how she makes others feel when she is around them?

Someone, please,

just tell me

so then I don't have to feel like I'm the odd one out

all the fucking time.

I usually feel uncomfortable

in any given place.

but with you,

I feel weirdly calm and safe.

There were no expectations

and I didn't have to act a certain way

all I had to do was be

and you sat right beside me.

You feel good to me,

a calm presence

that feels cozy and warm.

And I'm sad that once our obligation is met,

that the calm I feel will be gone forever.

I wish I felt more comfortable in my own skin

or confident in my capabilities.

I don't know what it is about my brain

that likes to make me feel like shit all the time.

Maybe it's just in my nature to see myself as terrible.

I wish I could rewire my brain myself,

take each cord and put them where they need to go.

I just want to feel like a person

like everyone else

free of judgement from myself

and to be truly free from the cage

I have put myself in.

Please don't like me,

I'm only interested in being a friend

and I don't want to be the bad guy

that has to shut you down.

All I want is a friend,

I wish I wanted more,

but I don't.

And I feel bad,

because you're great,

but I'm not interested in being more than friends.

I just want a friend

nothing more.

So please,

don't ruin this

by saying you like me.