You don't know me but I know you.
I remember you from the days of my childhood.
I watched the person you were, the person you tried to hide, and the person you have become.
I've seen the black of your soul; the death and decay you harbor inside.
I will watch as you destroy yourself and everyone around you. No one knows but I do.
No one sees your demons gnashing their teeth and circling you like hunger incarnate.
I see the way they fight each other for the one, true position of power.
And you, pathetic and weak, allow their charade. You sit quietly like a witness to an approaching doom.
If that is your final decision then a finale it will be.
I once knew you but be assured, I will not remember you in the end.
This Day In History
February 6, 2009
The day ‘we’ began.
What can I say? I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Even with all the highs and lows...and there were many... I would say the words all over again.
Here we are, February 6, 2019...Ten years by your side and we have grown even more in love. I can’t wait to see the rest of forever with you...
----Spending the day making memories with my husband today. This milestone may be small to some but for us and all we have been through it feels like a huge event. :)
Excuse my ramblings. It is currently 11:37pm on a Monday night and I am wrapped up in my thoughts. I know it is always said that someone out there has it worse than you... It is true I know but tonight I feel the weight of this past year and a half. The biggest obstacle has been being without a vehicle this whole time. Having to rely on someone for rides, walking, and riding a bicycle have become a strain. Never leaving this town for over a year, getting to avoid the elements daily, the luxury of being able to just get up and go somewhere... It is taxing. Most people give the same two comments when they learn this about me.
1. Why can’t you afford a vehicle after a whole year?
2. Well, at least it’s good exercise.
I’ve grown so tired of hearing these things. As for the affording it, we live check to check and for 7 months my husband was out of work due to medical issues and is now on life long hormone replacements and still gets ill.
As for exercise... Well, after riding a bike through rain, sleet, snow, and even a tropical storm, exercise doesn’t seem so great at the time.
Saving money is difficult though we try hard. I suppose I have no reason to feel down or complain. As I said, no matter how bad the situation someone else is always in a much greater struggle.
I guess even through the fog of this ramble the point can be made that life is still a blessing. Some days are just harder to make it through than others.
Thanks for listening. :)
In The Moment
She was leaving. He couldn't change that. But God, how he wished he could.
From the first day he had seen her he had known he was in trouble. She had heart and tons of fire. She wasn't afraid to speak her mind and she took shit from no one. He knew that he had to find some way to keep her around.
Being the new boss ensured that he could offer her a job and he was beyond excited when she had accepted. He couldn't show it, of course, but he felt it all the same.
Ever since that day she'd never stopped being on his mind.
Seeing her daily had become his drug of choice and after work, no matter how much he'd have to drink, her image was still in his mind.
Now, with just days left before she moved on to another job, his heart was in a panic. Did she even know he liked her? He gave her hell and made sure to push every button just to get a rise out of her. Like a school boy flirting with his first crush, it was the only way he knew to get her attention. She probably hated him for it but he'd rather her hate him than not think of him at all.
As the rain pounded at the storefront windows and stray shopping carts sped across the parking lot, Jack carefully eyed the woman who had him so twisted into knots.
"How the hell did this happen exactly," she spit the words in his direction and he cringed internally.
"I told you, the alarm malfunctioned when the power went out and I can't override it from here. We have no choice but to wait it out."
As he looked away, Jack slid his hands into his pockets, willing himself not to want to touch her.
Even her name was enough to drive him mad.
Three simple letters but they were attached to a person so far from simple it wasn't even funny. All he wanted was for her to know the truth but how could he even say it? He was an idiot. He shouldn't feel this way and yet he did.
He should be happy that she was leaving, taking her long hair and unbridled personality with her... but he wasn't.
It was like she was taking the oxygen from his lungs and leaving him to be a shell of the man he wanted to be.
What an idiot, Amy thought as she looked around at the darkened aisles. They were on their way out and nearly home free when lightning struck so close the sound had hurt her ears. She had known a storm was coming but figured there was plenty of time to help close up the store before it hit. And there would have been, if dumbass over there hadn't forgotten to check the back door.
He had requested she help him lock up, which made no sense to her but for some reason she'd agreed. Now she was kicking herself as the wind howled and threatened to spawn a tornado.
Now she was stuck in the dark grocery store with lieutenant Dan and his dumb, squinty face.
She made a face of disgust as she watched him staring out the window as if he could stop the weather or something. Maybe a branch would fly through the glass and smack him on the head.
She grinned, though she knew she wasn't that lucky.
It wasn't that he was the ugliest guy she'd ever seen but he was a total jackass. He did everything she couldn't stand, he never kept his word, and he seemed indifferent about absolutely everything. The most he had going for him was an ass that didn't look half bad in a nice pair of jeans.
As her eyes drifted down to take a look at his back side she caught herself and cursed.
Jack must have heard her because he was now turning from his post at the windows and walking toward her with a curious look on his face.
"What's that," he asked.
"Nothing," Amy snorted, "why do you have to be so nosy all the damn time?"
Before she could storm off, she felt his hand around her wrist, pulling her to a stop. The shock that she felt wasn't only from the fact that he'd done something so out of character, but also from the strange electricity that seemed to pass between them.
In an instant, he wasn't Jack, her boss. He was the guy holding her still and calming her anger, making her question what the hell was happening, and making her realize she misjudged him completely.
"Why do you have to be so rude," his voice different from what she was used to. He sounded in control for once, like he knew what he was talking about and he meant every word.
"Why is it, Amy, that every single word from you has to be defensive, like I'm out to get you or something? I'm not the asshole you think I am."
In one swift movement, he pulled her hand toward his chest and stepped closer. His face now inches from hers, she was lost for words. Before she could form a complete thought and process what had just happened his lips were against hers.
'What am I doing,' he thought. 'She's going to slap me... she's going to push me away and beat the shit out of me right here in the middle of this store. I'm going to lose my job, everything I worked for. She's going to tell corporate.'
Only, she didn't.
When he realized she wasn't pulling away, Jack slowly let go of her hand and placed both of his on her face, holding her there as he pressed his lips harder against hers.
She didn't feel tense. She didn't feel coiled and ready to strike at him for his bold, possibly stupid move.
He wasn't sure what the repercussions would be but at that moment he didn't care. He had wanted this for a long time and he knew there would be no other opportunity like this one.
Pulling her closer, he ran his fingers through her hair and kissed her like it would be the last time. She didn't resist and he silently thanked the storm for killing the power.
Not wanting to break the moment, Jack opened his eyes slowly... he had to see her. She was beautiful and he knew she couldn't be tamed, yet here she was, in his arms, as calm as a glassy pond before a pebble breaks the surface.
As he closed his eyes the hum of electricity broke the moment. The power was back on and just like that, so was the firestorm that was Amy.
"Finally," she said, backing away slowly, "let me the hell out of this store."
The automatic door whined shut and the warm, light rain hit her face. 'What the crap was that,' Amy thought, walking as fast as she could to her truck.
Surely she had just imagined the whole thing.
Jumping in, she turned the key and heard the engine roar to life. The radio began playing an old country tune as the rain grew more intense.
Across the parking lot, she watched Jack slide behind the wheel of his truck and stare in her direction.
She had no idea why she hadn't just punched his stupid face...maybe somewhere deep down she didn't hate him at all.
Her phone buzzed a notification and she glanced down.
The bold text stared back at her from a number she didn't recognize.
"Good luck with your new job. Don't be a stranger...things won't be the same without you."
Grinning, she tossed the phone on the passenger seat and threw the truck into drive. As she drove home in the pouring rain she couldn't hide the smile that spread across her lips as she sang along with Mo Pitney about his box of cheerios and love on good ol' aisle five.
Sure, I know what those are. Everyone has them so why are they so special? I mean, usually if everyone has something it can’t be so valued, right? Yet here we are.
By definition, a secret is something not seen or known or meant to be seen or known by others. So, why would I tell you mine?
Maybe you’re curious. I can understand that. Typically people get curious about things they’re not meant to know. It’s like a big red button with a sign above saying “do not push”... You obviously want to rebel and push it don’t you?
I am not sure if we all have a little rebel in us or curiosity or whatever you want to call it but sometimes reaching the end goal can be underwhelming.
The thrill comes during the unknown. The moments leading up to the finale. The climax if you will.
So, why should you want it to end?
I suppose since you were curious enough to ask I could give you a peek. Much like the slight exposure of a Christmas present at one corner to spy on the goods.
My secret is... Somewhere within this post... "Though I doubt you will easily find it", she says, with a cheeky grin...
Four walls, all black, no windows...
Yet somehow I can see the world around me. It's so vivid, so real.
I can't touch it, can't be part of it though somehow I am.
Not living, only existing.
The only true sound is the painful thump, thump, thumping of my own heart.
Everything else I experience is a lie.
Please come find me here in this cube of monotonous agony.
Pull me out of this shallow grave and into being...