The unintended consequences

of an empty heart

lashing out with kisses

The ever present ache I am yearning to tame

The pain into which

I will brand your name

The collateral damage

of touching a heart studded in shrapnel

But getting close to you 

is like memorizing the sky

or walking a straight line

right before love drunk

becomes love sick

Between the gears of

love drunk and love sick

my heart sticks.

You've infected me with your memories

and I can't forget the taste of your mouth.

This splintering sickness

Impossible to get out

The tragedy of never solving your mystery

Sabotaging sickness

Eating at my happiness

Like chocolate cake on Christmas morning 

Always seeking

Always searching

Lost within these walls

Every brick familiar

but the path so alien

I found you once.

And somehow, I knew and you knew

It was not an accident.

Your hand passed right through mine

Perhaps it was because

What we are made of is the same

At the time, I didn't know. 

I thought you were a ghost. 

You left

quietly

but with flowers and flames

springing from your bootprints

You burned through the stone like you burned through me. 

And by the strange blue light you left

I saw an X scarred into my palm.

I never knew what it meant, 

but I always hoped you would come back to tell me.

Then you came

At first with soft steps, then an incredible leap

Right on top of me.

It didn’t hurt.

Then you came,

and kneeling finally felt like peace

rather than punishment.

Finally, a heart that is more castle than cage,

Though the door did lock behind me.

I have room to wander, and every room I wander into is better than the last.

Now everytime I start fucking with my hair, I'm going to remember that this is what makes me unlovable. That this surpasses my kindness, generosity, understanding. This is what makes me ugly and this is what makes me alone. I can't tell you how many times I've told myself that. But to hear it from you? I'll never forget it. Not for a minute. Which is the cruelest blessing I've ever received.

Note to self. You are goddamn beautiful.

More important note to self: Being beautiful does not change the way people treat you in the long run.

It’s rife with opportunity out there though.

You can do whatever you want.

There will be obstacles, but provided you overcome those obstacles, everything will be awesome.

You’re just a few simple steps from happiness.

These will take years to overcome.

It’s long term,

but it’s not that difficult.

Little things daily.

Big things every once in awhile.

Yes, people will die.

The good news is that each of them only die once,

and your rose colored glasses will color them beautiful but tragic.

The only pain they can cause you now is with their absence.

That will happen. Frequently at first.

But less later.

The bad news is that people change all the time and that’s nearly the same thing.

There are no rose-colored glasses for that sort of thing.

They just go on existing, in different shoes and different time-zones.

You don't get to say goodbye to the person you loved,

Who maybe for a few months loved you too.

The pain comes with their presence and with their absence.

That will happen. Frequently at first.

But less later.

Love is subjective.

Defined by those who say it, defined by the moment:

I need you.

I’m sorry.

I don’t deserve you.

I forgive you.

Thank you.

I will give all that i have to give, and when that runs out I’ll give you everything else.

I hope these tears are worth something someday.

I’d give anything for you to care for me the way I care for you.

If only you’d keep your promises, we could be happy.

Promise me you’ll change.

It just means different things to different people.

And maybe we’re just too different.

I loved him and sometimes he loved me too.

Through nights like this one, blurred through the lens of intoxication,

Slurring sweet nothings, words forgotten by morning.

He loved me sometimes, and I loved him too.

How could one not love the look in his eyes?

Softened by spirits, but in my mind untethered,

walls withered, a soul exposed.

To think I never had him.

Impossible to hold, dripping from the cracks in my fingers.

A fire I built from longing,

A withering ember I struggle to shield from what spills from his glass.

To hear the whispers of strangers and friends,

They know more of him than I can.

What does it matter that my love could not keep him?

He has chosen other than me, and that is all that will follow.

Another’s. He will be another’s.

She will love him, and sometimes he will love her too.

You are a stupid, inconsiderate, delusional fuck and I hope you get by a bus in a greyhound parking lot and I hope you lay there, helpless, while 16 more buses run you over and I hope you survive every one but the last.

I hope it hurts worse than anything you’ve ever felt.

I hope every woman you think you might have the capacity to love reminds you of me, only in that they’re not quite as good as what you had. I hope you realize that I was the closest thing you would ever have to happiness and I hope you realize you fucking blew it. I hope you realize that I could, and would have given you more than you had ever dreamed of, had you just been anything more than a shitty replica, fashioned into the shape of man by someone who’s never met one

I hope the sound of my laugh stirs the withered and shattered chunks of what might have been a heart around in your chest. I hope it pulverizes them until they are nothing but sharp dust and I hope speaking my name makes you cough it out until your gums are bloody and I hope you do it on purpose because that taste is all you have left to remind you of me.

I hope the acid in my voice is enough to burn you through the telephone and I hope it disfigures you in ways that only you and I can see.

This starving sickness haunts me

Clouded past still hangs above me

Don’t know how you could love me

Just know that I can’t trust me

I’ve tried to clean my cobwebs

Couldn’t bear to catch you in them

Tried to wash the sour sweat from our bed

Wouldn’t want you to feel unwanted

These churning feelings burn me

I thought your love could turn me

Turns out it’s still inside me

Just hope that I can fight me

This guilt could quickly kill me

I thought your love would heal me

Just hope you can escape me

Before my sin can break free

So I force myself to be honest with you,

Though I’ve never been good at telling the truth

I hope I never lie to you.