Of my story

Which just started

With felony charges

I'm terrified

It's going to end

With me down a child

The only thing

I can think to do

Is love him more

But

I can't

Even

Find him

My whole heart

My whole world

My raison d'etre

I can't find it

To hold him

And remind him

IT WILL BE OKAY

I don't know how to do this

But

I guess

That's been the story of my life

Now hasn't it

to yearn is to want,

sometimes terribly

but to admit want

is to admit vulnerability

and to admit vulnerability

is to open heavy doors

so perhaps my yearning for you

is better left to me

so you have no chance

to see my vulnerability

it was the way you touched me

not like i was a prize to be won

but just like it was your pure birthright

like something imprinted on you

letting you know that our souls were meant to touch

and mesh and mold themselves together

the way you so confidently brushed back my hair and held my cheek

like you had done it a million and one times in so many lives

The fog is clearing

From the corners of mine eyes

As years slip by

The haze dissipates

And I start to see

What was shrouded

Slowly revealed

Through the layers

Of mist and conditioning

Of youth and foolishness

The things of true import

Time, freedom, love

Understanding, growth

Patience and kindness

Truth - I see the truth

And I long to speak it

To shout to the rooftops

What has taken me a lifetime

To try to understand

But all comes in good time

It is clear now

As the sand flows through

That pain leads to understanding

To kindness and patience

And the ability to revel in peace

That broken hearts lead to tenderness

To care and gentle words

To tears kissed away

To shared cups of tea

And wicked cryptic crosswords

Aching joints and muscles

Lead to exercise and movement

And delighting in the pleasure

Of inhabiting this body

In all its perfect imperfection

Fits of sadness and depression

And retreating to the jagged

Grey corners of my heart

Make the sunshine warmer

The flowers more radiant

The sand that's flowed is gone

I'll never retrieve it

From the hands of time

But what's left is mine

Mine and no-one else's

To spend how I choose

Sickness or health

Love or loneliness

Creativity or boredom

Peace or despair

I am the scribe of my destiny

The only one who holds the pen

And I can choose to live

My dreams or my nightmares

Hmm, I think I choose dreams

when i am rich

i feed the poor

and cure the sick

there is no more debt

and i give everyone a bed to sleep in

i go to my childhood home

and buy it back

i paint the walls green

i buy a landline

and dig out the old mattress

from the bottom of the dumpster

i eat a whole tub of cool whip in one sitting

i spill gatorade on the white carpet

i unlearn what stocks are

and plant a fully-grown pine tree in the backyard

i take the bus to sarah's

and we sit in the driveway

drinking soda and then

we lose every round of kick the can

because we always hide in the same places

climb through

i was promised a piece of you

chewed up, skinny enough to fit down a plastic straw

now we've got needlepoint dreams

sweaters on the backs of rocking chairs

green garden yard for running feet

fantasy

when life is bigger than words

even though i imagine it

some moments

can feel the want of it in my bones

like fizzy irrational madness

hang up the hat on

the hook by the door

warm your feet by the fire

take a breath

one breath

touch my skin again

tell me it's not this

when it is

when it isn't

skin

flowering plant

symbiotic

too much sun

head on backwards

never

maybe

forever

promise

but promise for later

Here’s a little backstory to how the following came about. I was doing my normal Sunday afternoon routine, trying to be productive and focused on completing the myriad of household chores I had successfully put off during the week, when I got a text from some stranger. For a brief second I thought it might have been a legitimate wrong number.

When I read it, my inclination shifted towards a definite phishing scam. Since I had ample time to kill before sitting down to watch the Super Bowl and I thoroughly, thoroughly enjoy wasting scammers’ time (almost to the point of an unhealthy obsession), I opted to further postpone my chores and engage the sender.

So, just thought I’d share the actual exchange I had:

*Incoming text from (364) 999-1663 at 11:14 A.M., Sunday, February 9th.*

How are you? What are your plans for the afternoon?

Doing well. Going to get some chores done then watch the Super Bowl. What are you up to?

I’m still thinking about my lunch and it makes me confused about what to choose, do you have any good recommendations?

I’ve always had good food at that Thai restaurant near you. Of course you can’t go wrong with Applebees.

I also want to watch the Super Bowl, but I also want to go out and relax, go shopping, and buy skin care products.

I still prefer Vietnamese food, as well as Italian flavor.

And I want to cook myself. The cooking process is also very fun.

What a coincidence, I too enjoy an afternoon of buying skin care products. We also have a lot in common in that we both use the phrases “Italian flavor” and “the cooking process is also very fun” in everyday conversations. I always knew we were meant to be friends.

Yes, we are friends, are you still in FL now?

(Although I moved from Ft. Lauderdale nine years ago, I've never changed my phone number, so it still has the South Florida area code.)

Yes.

After this busy period, I will go to Miami for a one-month vacation. I will treat you to authentic Chinese food.

Wait a minute, check the information.

Outstanding. Should we meet up at the place we use to hang out at every Friday after work? I forgot to tell you, one of my New Year’s resolutions was to stop eating authentic Chinese food. Can you take me out for some imitation Chinese food?

Did you get my other text message?

*Incoming text from (646) 479-7533 at 11:35 A.M. *

I’m Bella, my new number. Update your address book.

Silly goose, don’t you remember? You already sent me your new number. I put it in my address book when you gave it to me at the party we went to last week.

*Returning to the text conversation back on the (364) number*

Did you get mine?

yes I received it but i’m confused

Don’t be confused. It gives you worry lines above your eyes and makes you look confused.

I just changed my number yesterday, how did you save my new number last week.

I remember you liked Chinese food, what made you decide not to eat Chinese food anymore?

When we were at Jacob’s party. Remember when you said to me, “Hey, I changed my number.” And I said, “No way, you just got that number.” And you said, “I know, right. But I changed it because of my phobia of the number 4.” And I said, “I thought you had a phobia of the number 5?” And you said, “No, I like 5. Four is the one that gives me night terrors.” And I said, “I get night terrors from the letter Z.” And then you gave me your number and then Sara threw up on Tyler’s shoes because she drank too many shot of Jager. You don’t remember that?

*shot

**shots

When did you get over your 4 phobia cause your new number has two of them in it. That shock-therapy must have been beneficial.

I wonder who I’m talking to? Because I don’t know what you’re talking about and I’m not at any party.

It’s me.

Tell me your name

The one who like imitation Chinese food. The one who got a matching tattoo with you. Look at your right wrist, that tattoo.

Come on, stop playing. You know what my name is.

I’m pretty sure now you’re not the one I’m looking for because I don’t have a tattoo.

You’ve always been such a jokester, Bella. That’s one of your many quirks that I love about you.

You don’t have a tattoo on your wrist? Maybe it was on the ankle. Check there.

How did you save my number before I changed it to a new one? You didn’t answer me.

My wrist tattoo says, “Bella and Bubba. BFF” inside the outline of a koala (our spirit animal.).

I never get tattoos, so who are you?

I did answer you. When you gave it to me at the party. Reread my text. I don’t know how more specifically I can answer that. Please, Bella, stop playing.

As I said, I just bought a new number yesterday.

I’ve got a lot of chores to finish before the game. What time should I expect you to be showing up? Are you going to bring your famous dip? I hope so, me and the kids love it.

Are you bringing Fran? She’s nice and all but sometimes she talks too much.

I’m sorry, I’m stopping the conversation, I don’t know who you are, you’re kidding me

Bellllllaaaaaaa. Don’t leave me again. Do you want me to send you a pic so you’ll remember who I am?

(I send a GIF of a crowd of about 100 people looking up and waving.)

That’s me on the left waving.

I just asked someone to check this number. You are not Elana, so who are you?

I identify as Elana so let’s get back to what time are you showing up for the Super Bowl and is Fran accompanying you?

I don’t know the Fran you’re talking about, and I never said I was going to be at the Super Bowl.

So here comes the question, you still haven’t told me who you are

You know Fran. We split the cost of the Uber with her to and from Jacob’s party which is when you said you were going to come over for the Super Bowl. So, if you don’t show up, what dip am I supposed to have for the chips? Huh? What dip? I’ve got to say, my kids will be severely disappointed if they don’t have any dip for their chips. I already told you, I identify as Elana.

I don’t know what you’re talking about, I wasn’t at the Jacob party

You look a little delirious

Can’t talk normally anymore

Ok, let’s agree to disagree about us being at “the Jacob party.” I may look “a little delirious” in the pic I sent but that’s because the cow next to me is standing on my foot.

(I get two thumbs up and a laughing with tears emojis.)

(I respond with a laughing, microphone, chick hatching, alarm signal, calculator and a random flag emojis.) and add “Am I right?”

So seriously, what time are you stopping by for the game?

Seriously, who are you? I don’t even know you.

You keep making up stories and it confuses me.

You’re the one who texted me first. How do you not know who you’re texting? That seems a bit suspicious.

I swear to all that’s Holy, if you’re not coming over with your dip then YOU’RE going to have to tell my kids, in person, why you made them eat chips without dip.

And you know how upset those little deviants get when they eat dipless chips.

*The conversation stops at 12:40 on this number and starts back up on the (646) number at 12:42.*

(I get a stock photo of a very attractive Asian girl, mid-twenties, with long black hair, head slightly tilted, dressed in a black outfit posing outside on a chair.)

I’m not the Bella you know, but you shouldn’t pretend to be Elena

When did you get a sex change? You used to be a female. What happened? Was it something I said?

I don’t even know what you’re talking about

(I send a GIF of a girl from the show Schitt’s Creek sitting in a chair, making a face and flipping her hair back and forth off her shoulders.)

This was you just last week at the Schitt’s Creek-theme party Jacob hosted that I’ve been talking about.

When did you get your breast reduction and Adam’s apple reconstruction surgery? Was it covered by your insurance?

I blocked you. Bye.

Wait.

I’m sorry.

Unblock me. (*Sent at 12:53 P.M.*)

(*Incoming text at 1:23 P.M.*)

Then why are you talking to yourself here?

I don’t know what you’re talking about after all that talk.

Haha, got you to unblock me. I knew you couldn’t resist my charm and fine-tuned rapier wit.

I haven’t had time to lock your information.

It literally takes three seconds. Do you want me to send a tutorial?

I want to know why you pretend to be Elena.

1) Tap on my number at the top of the screen.

2) Tap info button on the right side under the number.

3) Scroll down and tap the red Block Caller icon

For the same reason you’re pretending to be the Asian version of Bella.

(My tutorial message gets a “thumbs up” Tapback and I get two thinking emojis.)

I see you still haven’t blocked me like you said you were. You can’t pull yourself away from me, can you? Probably the Axe Body Spray I use.

*Sadly, this would be the last text I get to send (at 1:32 P.M.) because Bella ceases further correspondences.*

I’ll put this failed relationship in my ever expanding Disconnected Love Connections file. Gotta admit, missing out on meeting a potential soulmate hurts more so close to Valentine’s Day and all.