It’s Here
Knowing
Is half the battle,
Right?
I knew
It was coming
My seasonal depression
I did nothing
This year
To protect myself
Against it
Half depressed
As I have been
Anyway
Now
I feel it
Weighing on me
Daring me
To give in
Go under
Disappear
Honestly
I don't know
How I
Will make it
This year
I should
DO SOMETHING
I know that...
But
Alas
I don't
Really
Feel
Like
It
Frustration
From a writer's workshop last night. The syllabic form is 1, 2, 3, 4, 10
Why
Do I
Settle for
This madness when
I am worthy of so much more than this
It
May be
True that I
Hide behind my
Past mistakes and sabotage my future
But
I know
There are still
Some redeeming
Qualities that I pass into the world
And
The world
Allows me
To proceed with
Utmost caution, knowing I lack some strength
I
Lack the
Strength to care
At certain times
And cause little implosions in my world
I
Lack the
Strength to hold
Some core values
So that my light gets dimmed by my own hand
I
Lack the
Strength to stand
Against the man
Who snuffs out my life with joy in his eyes.
Ouch.
It hurts to be me
And people
Mistake my smile for happiness
Preclude
My pain
From my day to day
It hurts
to be without you
So much
It hurts
So much
I know there aren't words
To tell you
Because if there were
I would have found them
You know
How I love words
Baby do you know
How my love is the underlying melody
The quiet storm
That won't conform
You've met me
So you know
But
Do you know
How each step you take
Echoes in my heart
How the breath
Breaks and creates
The way we always did
The way
We always do
Did you know
I have died a thousand deaths
And still
I want to die again
To prove
The purity
Of my love
It’s funny
Isn’t it
The cusp of change
You can feel it
Smell it, even
But can you speak on it
Until it happens?
I suppose I am
But most ignorantly
Because what do I know of this change
This one upon me like mitosis
Unseen, unfelt, but most important
I feel the change like truth
Like tears of anger
Like the denial of base emotions
Like jealousy
Or love,
When it shouldn’t be
I feel the change like rain
On a sunny day
Like a breeze in zero atmosphere
Which is creating a disjointed picture
I realize
But this disjointed mess
Maybe that’s the change?
Or no
Maybe that’s the past
My disjointed mess
I’m on the verge
Of leaving it behind
Will I have
Anything to write about
After?
Too Night
It’s a beautiful night, really
Though not
A really beautiful night
My melancholy
Keeps me afloat
As my tears
Pouring internally
Threaten to drown me
You know how
A perfectly happy smile
Can break your heart
When you’re the one
Who used to elicit it
But no longer can?
Yeah.
It’s like that.
If I could rip
My heart from my chest
Suspend it in a jar
And fill the broken parts
With gold filigree
It could be quite beautiful
In a grotesque kintsugi
Kind of way
If I could rewind time
And spare us both
All the pain
Of our relationship
Would that be
What you would want?
I mean
You saved my life
But life without you
Hurts so much
The alternative
Seems fine
I’m so sorry Abacus
That I couldn’t be
A better mother
Feelings
I started to write
My feelings
But
I'm drinking them
Instead
I'm going for
Clearing my head
Not sure
Though
How it will end up.
I know
I need you
You're the thread
Weaving through
All the stages
Of my life
I know
I love you
You're the only man
I regret
Letting go
I know
I see you
Now
You've been
So transparent
I know
I feel you
Even after
My body remembers
Even when
My brain
Tries to forget
What I don't know
Is
What do I do
With these feelings
Now
That you're back home