What is life like

Without me

But knowing

It doesn’t approach

Life without you

The words

Die on my dry ass tongue

I’m crying dry tears

advantage me

you can’t tell I’m crying

maybe

my heaving chest

is breathless excitement

maybe

my vacant eyes

are stoicism

maybe

I’m just granting you comfort

from my emotion

or me

defense

from your intrusion

dry tears

should be handled

like dry ice

i’m a hazmat

Always

You ask for a glass

Or something

Perfectly round

To draw your circles

But what if

You drew your own

Circles

Wouldn’t that

Be so much more

Beautiful?

You’re getting ready to turn

I can feel it

In my bones

Or

More importantly

In my gut

My last baby

My peacemaker

My pacemaker

My pacifier

Your sweetness

Is unparalleled

Your innocence

Everything

Your empathy

A burden to most

A gift to you

Intensely aware

Every hand held

Crossing the street

May be my last

You allow it

Just one

More

Time

Even as your hormones rage

Stop embarrassing me Mom!

But your empathy

Keeps you from

That one

Last

Time

And I see you

And I promise

To let go

Soon

So soon

But not too soon

Not

Too

Soon

Born of love

In love

With love

You are love

Personified

Always reaching in

Reaching out

Even when it hurts

Or, especially

When it hurts

I look up to you

So much

30 years my junior

Also

My daughter

So freely

Willingly

Hopefully

Helpfully

Authentically

You

Give your love

Knowing

It’s always deserved

Even when

We can’t see it for ourselves

Patience is a virtue

You are ever virtuous

With me

And my gratitude

Is rivaled

Only

By my love for you

Where is my future

Without you

Looping in black and white replays

Our time together

I am shattered

Each and every time

I think of you

Yet

How can I not?

I’m a waterfall

No one pays admission

To see

No one admits

They see

Too raw

My emotion on display

Running from their empathy

Because it hurts so beautifully

I can hide in plain sight

This way

This is the way

Forget me

Remember the feeling

Feel me

Forget to remember

It’s Monday

It’s time to drink

Everywhere

I discount

My body

Because

It remembers

My trauma

My mind

However

Prefers

To forget

In forgetting

I dishonor

Myself

My journey

My future

My past

My loved ones

In forgetting

I allow

The trauma

To build

Upon itself

A cycle

Which brings me

To my knees

Time

And again

On my knees

I’m not praying

Or am I

In my sad, sick way

On my knees

Am I begging

To be taken

Forgiven

Put down

Or helped up

On my knees

Am I crying out

To be seen

Heard

Or ignored

On my knees

Is it the prelude

To finding myself

On my back

Or standing up

My body remembers.

My trauma

Lives there.

When I ignore it

I grant

My pain

Wings

Sadness

Despair

They fly

Into my mind

Dampening

My spirit

Dimming

My light

Shadowing

My soul

Each time

I discount

My body

My body count

Increases

The weight of that

Paralyzes me at times

When I don’t move

My body

The pain stagnates

Then metastasizes

My inability

To move

In healthy ways

Climaxes

So

In those moments

I’ve begun to whisper

Move

Just move

I must

Learn

To count

On my body

Trust

The openness

Of my heart

Move

Into

My own way

You've grown up

We've grown apart

I remember

So clearly

The day

I became a mother

A status

That no matter

What happens

Can ever

Be relinquished

(No matter

What you say)

The experience

So different

Than my planning

Than my imaginings

But perfect

And beautiful

In its reality

And

Obviously

In

Outcome

Abacus

I miss you

I love you

My soul aches

To know

How you are

Every day

I need to be saved

From myself

It has always

Been this way

There are so many

Ways

To be saved

I was saved

The day

I became

A mother

I was saved

The day

You first smiled

Unprompted

Seven months old

At the elderly woman

In the doctor's office

In that moment

I saw

My heart

In yours

I was saved

Each time

You reached

For my hand

Each time

You laughed

Each time

You surprised me

With your uniqueness

I was saved

Each time

I realized

That you love me

Because,

While I

Can offer you

Unconditional

Love,

I continuously

Battle

With the notion

I

Am worthy

Of love

Even

From

My

Children

(Especially?)

So how

Can I be surprised

That you withhold it?

Regardless

You saved me

In small and large ways

Every day

Of your life

And

Even estranged

You continue

To do so

Because

I am saved

By the memories

I cherish

And so many of them

The most precious ones

Feature you

My first baby.

the world

is spinning

all around you

and you spin too

it feels

like you belong

when

the world

is spinning

all around you

and you

want to get off

it feels

like you’re an anomaly

and

when you get off

and figure out

what walking

on a static plane

IS

you feel sad

about those spinning

and the days/years/months

you spent

spinning

and you question

should I teach

others

how to walk

this path

and you realize

everyone knows

they.

just.

chose.

to spin.

then what?