I was Never Enough
We were married for fifteen years, and the problems snuck in like a thief in the night. I didn't think she wanted me, she didn't think I wanted her, and this built up for years until it was actually true. Before the absolute end, when we couldn't stand one another anymore, I realized it had been a lie for years. The lie was I was the only one she ever needed.
It started with her taking a trip to visit her family up north without me. She just so happened to meet her old summertime boyfriend. They were talking, catching up, reminiscing, and then he leaned in to kiss her, and she kissed back. She didn't tell me right away, not until a week or so after she got back. I honestly wasn't mad at first, who doesn't kiss someone when they are being kissed? But as I thought about as my marriage fell apart, she could have stopped him as he came in for the kiss, pushed him back, turned away. But she wanted that kiss because it made her feel pretty. it made her feel wanted.
I know what you're thinking. I should have made her feel those things. I tried, I honestly did. She never believed me, ever. When I told her I thought she was sexy, or pretty, or anything, she ALWAYS responded with, "You have to say that, you're my husband." How was I ever supposed to convince her how I felt if she was never going to believe me?
The second step to the downfall of my marriage was Tumblr, before they banned all porn. She wrote softcore erotica and posted pictures of herself. Her stories were very good, I thought. Her pictures were also good. She loved the attention they got her, and I hated that she needed that attention from so many other men.
Tumblr porn was shut down. Her final words to her audience were, "I've never felt beautiful or desirable before I posted my pictures. I've never felt talented or confident enough to share my writings with anyone before here. Hope I find somewhere else to play."
What the actual fuck?
I always encouraged her writing. Everything I read, I told her what I liked and didn't like, but it was mostly positive. I always desired her, since we started dating in college. She said I was the only one for her. LIE!! But she hadn't taken pictures lie those for me before Tumblr. She hadn't flirted with me, or sexted with me. She said I was the only one for her, but I was never enough.
Things went downhill from there pretty fast. She moved to MeWe, joined online groups with names like "Tease Me, Please Me", "Footwear Fetish", and "Tits Out Tuesday". She flirted with guys in her groups. She went on virtual dates with them, where they would watch a movie together and sext each other. I was just a pay check she was living off. She said she would have left me long ago if she had anywhere to go. Somewhere showed up soon enough when one of her online friends offered her cheap rent in one of their homes in Raleigh, North Carolina, miles away from me. She handed me divorce papers the day before I had to go in for a surgery.
I didn't fight the divorce, I was just ready to be done with her lies, and mine as well. That I could ever be enough once she had her sexual awakening, that she ever loved me or just that I was a provider. That I could fix things if I just accepted her new self. I tried, but I couldn't do it. I loved her, but I could take the lies anymore.