Jenny is an ex-model. She struggles with substance abuse. Tommy is a big-time preacher now. He only waves in passing, at the grocery store or in a restaurant. Dianne moved away. At first, everyone supported her, but then maybe some resented her. She never calls, but on Facebook, we see her pictures of the West Coast. Peter was always a little different, but we all loved him anyway. Now he is a recluse, and we don’t know anything about him. Jack is a high school baseball coach. He is married with a wife and kids and claims he never has time to hang out because of them, but everyone knows it’s because of his multiple affairs. Most people say I never grew up, that I’m stuck in a dead-end job, and a waste of potential.

Looking back, things began to fall apart when we were teenagers. Tommy went on a youth trip with his church one summer and was never the same again. He made new friends and was always busy after that. Peter wasn’t cool enough in high school, so he was bullied. They didn’t associate with him as much. He stopped hanging around. Dianne and Jenny were best friends, but when Jenny and Jack started dating, Jenny didn’t have as much time for Dianne. Dianne turned to her schoolwork and decided to get a scholarship and leave this dusty old town the moment she graduated. At first, they tried to ostracize me too when I tried to hang out with Peter, but I was a star athlete on the tennis team. Crazy how being good at sports makes you cool enough. When Jenny and Jack broke up senior year, that was the final straw. Jack focused on baseball, and Jenny turned to parties to numb the pain.

Forgotten are the days of our youth when we roamed the woods together and defended our fort among the trees. Gone are the days when we painted our faces with mud and played hide and seek. The oaths of friendship we made in childhood are all seemingly past recall. Perhaps they are right, saying I never grew up, because as I ponder, I realize that I have never forgotten.

Jenny is an ex-model. She struggles with substance abuse. Tommy is a big-time preacher now. He only waves in passing, at the grocery store or in a restaurant. Dianne moved away. At first, everyone supported her, but then maybe some resented her. She never calls, but on Facebook, we see her pictures of the West Coast. Peter was always a little different, but we all loved him anyway. Now he is a recluse, and we don’t know anything about him. Jack is a high school baseball coach. He is married with a wife and kids and claims he never has time to hang out because of them, but everyone knows it’s because of his multiple affairs. Most people say I never grew up, that I’m stuck in a dead-end job, and a waste of potential.

Looking back, things began to fall apart when we were teenagers. Tommy went on a youth trip with his church one summer and was never the same again. He made new friends and was always busy after that. Peter wasn’t cool enough in high school, so he was bullied. They didn’t associate with him as much. He stopped hanging around. Dianne and Jenny were best friends, but when Jenny and Jack started dating, Jenny didn’t have as much time for Dianne. Dianne turned to her schoolwork and decided to get a scholarship and leave this dusty old town the moment she graduated. At first, they tried to ostracize me too when I tried to hang out with Peter, but I was a star athlete on the tennis team. Crazy how being good at sports makes you cool enough. When Jenny and Jack broke up senior year, that was the final straw. Jack focused on baseball, and Jenny turned to parties to numb the pain.

Forgotten are the days of our youth when we roamed the woods together and defended our fort among the trees. Gone are the days when we painted our faces with mud and played hide and seek. The oaths of friendship we made in childhood are all seemingly past recall. Perhaps they are right, saying I never grew up, because as I ponder, I realize that I have never forgotten.

You do not know, but when you speak of this place far away, your home, I feel like I should go.

You are homesick for it, but I also long for this land I have never seen. This place is where I want to be, where the mountains kiss the sky, and I would never have to say goodbye.

It hurts too much. Do you really mean it when you say you want to keep in touch?

I fear I am losing you, and the days are growing far too few. Will you ever miss me? Will I ever be free, free from this longing to be with you?

In May, my heart will break. You will smile, and I’ll have to fake. I’ll have to pretend I am happy to return to the place where I belong, my home. You will believe me, but you could not be any more wrong.

When you leave on a plane and return to the place where the mountains kiss the sky, every day, I will cry.

Here, you could never stay, because I see what it does to you day by day.

I was not born there. I have never known that mountain air, but how I long for this home where my heart is free to roam with you by my side, and there would never have to be a great divide.

One day I hope to visit, and I pray you don’t forget it. You tell me not to worry, but why do I feel like my heart is going to break, and why do I feel like there is so much at stake?

But if you care as you say you do, I know you will always be true.

Wreckless abandon and carefree trips around the sun haunt my mind late at night.

I am not meant to stay, but wander and experience, love and lose, travel the world on an endless pursuit of meaningless meaning. The monotony weighs heavily. I could quit my job without notice. I could get rid of everything that doesn’t have a purpose, forget the sentimental value, forget the gifts from friends throughout the years, or the letters from Grandma. It all weighs my soul down. Forget what I should be and what I need to be for others. Forget the meaningful connections and responsibilities. Forget all those who depend on me, such as my aging parents, my friend going through a bad breakup, my students struggling with bad home lives, the three outdoor pet cats I feed every night, and my lover trying to stop drinking. I care for them all, and it has become too much of a burden. I cannot stay here any longer! Perhaps, I could occasionally send postcards to family and friends like a way-faring traveler. No, that’s too much responsibility. I am suffocating, and I wish you all well! Tomorrow morning, I will cancel my lease, quit my job, pack a bag, and leave.

Morning comes, and the selfish façade fades in the dawn’s light. How could I be so ridiculous? I can’t do any of it. I message my beloved about our dinner plans that night. I get ready for work and call my mom and dad on the drive there. Arriving at work, I am greeted by coworkers and students, some ready to learn, others not. I smile. In this moment, I know I must continue to carry the weight, and my dreams of reckless abandonment will have to remain just that, dreams.