Mom I Need You
Mom I need you
now more than ever
as the world falls
like acid rain from a rusted sky,
like hand grenades exploding
down the gullet of existentialism.
I don’t know who I am
in this quarry mine existence
where dynamite shakes the walls
of the mountains of hope,
and sorrow and pain
are the blankets we all sleep under.
Mom I need you
as heartbreak and suffering
swirl like razor blades in a storm,
and I remember that letter I found
you saved all those years,
that letter of love and loss,
I wonder what you would say.
Mom I need you
as you sit in a comfy chair
in an assisted graveyard
and I smile at the nurses
and you smile at everyone
and tell everyone you’re fine
as your mind decays
and your windows fog up.
Now I take care of you
and I take care of four kids
alone,
fighting alone
in this tornado of anger
and demons and hatred and pain.
You were never alone.
There was always us.
There was always dad
until recently.
But here I am now without a person.
Without a dad, a mom, a wife,
trying to make my way
in this unforgiving gauntlet.
I wonder what you would say.
You never had to deal with this,
but you’d probably say
everything’s gonna be okay
and I would believe you.
Mom I need you
as people lose their jobs and families
in the tightening of the federal vice,
as they’re shipped away
like unwanted products
and the rich and powerful fight their wars
and the poor and helpless
are always the ones who suffer.
The rich and powerful
who are afflicted
with the disease of greed,
this addiction to money
where they’ll always want more
and more and more,
money like sex,
money like heroin
injected into their gaping veins,
their distorted, cavernous mouths.
As I ready these fists of words
to break down this system,
I feel so far away from you,
but I remember
you were tough when you needed to be,
you put up with dad for decades,
and you put up with us kids,
and steered us when you needed to.
But most of all,
I remember
that you taught us to love.
To love people,
to love one another,
to love God.
And I’ve learned to love
but I’m so full of anger and hatred
like a Sith Lord
slowly turning to the dark side.
And even if your mind is leaving
like leaves blowing away in autumn,
you still have that love
I can see it when your face lights up
when you see me,
when you see your grand kids.
Mom I need you
to tell me everything’s gonna be okay
to hug me and kiss my cheek.
Maybe you can still do that.
Maybe you can still
remind me how to love.
5/7/2025
I’m trying really hard to survive. I have four kids. I have to try to survive for them.
I’m in danger of losing my house and my job. I’ve already lost so much. Part of me just doesn’t care anymore. It would force my ex (I can call her that now) to have to sell the other house. And I could live off that money for at least a year.
I could put everything into my book and my music. And I wouldn’t have to work anymore. I could do the things I love and see if I can make a living once the house money runs out. I’m getting paying gigs again. 400 bucks a pop to play violin for a few hours. I’ve sold a few books. And I’ve sold shirts and hoodies and buttons. Merch for the book. I’m doing something at Balticon. The Baltimore science fiction convention. Both music and book related stuff. And I’m going to be doing a thing at the Baltimore Scifi Society in July most likely.
I’m putting everything into my book. It’s all I have now. That and my kids. I have to cling to this dream or I’ll die. It’s my last hope. And it’s the only thing other than my kids that makes me happy. That and my music. I want to write the sequel but I haven’t been able to write lately. No fiction. No poetry. No nothing. Not a good showing for someone who’s talking about making a living from his writing.
Anyway. That’s where I am. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know how I’m going to survive this. I’m going to cling to my kids like a life raft. And I’m going to put everything into writing and music. And if I go down, at least I’ll go down swinging.
Stop
When will they stop
wounding me?
When will they stop
kicking me when I’m down?
When will someone
see me for what I can be
and not just
the broken mess I am now?
When will my dreams
return from the dust?
Why do they keep
getting shattered and stained?
When will the storms
settle down and subside?
When will the sun peek
through the pouring rain?
When will peace
come to my chaotic brain?
When will healing
overtake the pain?
Until
Life’s a dream until it’s a nightmare.
Everything’s good until it’s not.
You’re hanging on until you’re threadbare.
Everything’s cool until it’s too hot.
You’re full of love until hate takes over.
You keep on fighting until you’re too tired.
You’re drunk and stoned until you’re sober.
You trust people until you’ve met too many liars.
There’s nothing to worry about until there is.
You keep on going until you’re stuck.
You keep hitting until you miss.
You keep on winning until you’re out of luck.
It doesn’t matter until it does.
You can’t feel until it hurts.
You can swim until it floods.
It’s not over until you’re in the dirt.
Fight
How can one person
right the wrongs in the world?
Love your brother.
How can one person
stand up to the greed and tyranny?
Love your sister.
How can one person weather this storm
and fight against oppression,
suffering and inequity?
Love your children.
Love your neighbors.
How can one person
stand up to all of this evil,
overcome all of this chaos
and injustice and poverty
and war and suffering
and fighting and death?
Love yourself.
Love your family.
Love your neighbor.
Love your enemies.
Love!
Love!
Love!