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Ledlevee
Look for Heroes and Legends on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0DZVNYLM5
495 Posts • 134 Followers • 87 Following
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Ledlevee in Stream of Consciousness

Numb

I want to

not care.

I want to stop caring.

Because caring destroys me.

I wasn’t meant

for this world.

This world doesn’t know love.

This world only knows pain.

I really don’t know

why I’m still here.

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Ledlevee in Poetry & Free Verse

Mom I Need You

Mom I need you

now more than ever

as the world falls

like acid rain from a rusted sky,

like hand grenades exploding

down the gullet of existentialism.

I don’t know who I am

in this quarry mine existence

where dynamite shakes the walls

of the mountains of hope,

and sorrow and pain

are the blankets we all sleep under.

Mom I need you

as heartbreak and suffering

swirl like razor blades in a storm,

and I remember that letter I found

you saved all those years,

that letter of love and loss,

I wonder what you would say.

Mom I need you

as you sit in a comfy chair

in an assisted graveyard

and I smile at the nurses

and you smile at everyone

and tell everyone you’re fine

as your mind decays

and your windows fog up.

Now I take care of you

and I take care of four kids

alone,

fighting alone

in this tornado of anger

and demons and hatred and pain.

You were never alone.

There was always us.

There was always dad

until recently.

But here I am now without a person.

Without a dad, a mom, a wife,

trying to make my way

in this unforgiving gauntlet.

I wonder what you would say.

You never had to deal with this,

but you’d probably say

everything’s gonna be okay

and I would believe you.

Mom I need you

as people lose their jobs and families

in the tightening of the federal vice,

as they’re shipped away

like unwanted products

and the rich and powerful fight their wars

and the poor and helpless

are always the ones who suffer.

The rich and powerful

who are afflicted

with the disease of greed,

this addiction to money

where they’ll always want more

and more and more,

money like sex,

money like heroin

injected into their gaping veins,

their distorted, cavernous mouths.

As I ready these fists of words

to break down this system,

I feel so far away from you,

but I remember

you were tough when you needed to be,

you put up with dad for decades,

and you put up with us kids,

and steered us when you needed to.

But most of all,

I remember

that you taught us to love.

To love people,

to love one another,

to love God.

And I’ve learned to love

but I’m so full of anger and hatred

like a Sith Lord

slowly turning to the dark side.

And even if your mind is leaving

like leaves blowing away in autumn,

you still have that love

I can see it when your face lights up

when you see me,

when you see your grand kids.

Mom I need you

to tell me everything’s gonna be okay

to hug me and kiss my cheek.

Maybe you can still do that.

Maybe you can still

remind me how to love.

Book cover image for Ledlevee’s Journals
Ledlevee’s Journals
Chapter 12 of 12
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Ledlevee

5/7/2025

I’m trying really hard to survive. I have four kids. I have to try to survive for them.

I’m in danger of losing my house and my job. I’ve already lost so much. Part of me just doesn’t care anymore. It would force my ex (I can call her that now) to have to sell the other house. And I could live off that money for at least a year.

I could put everything into my book and my music. And I wouldn’t have to work anymore. I could do the things I love and see if I can make a living once the house money runs out. I’m getting paying gigs again. 400 bucks a pop to play violin for a few hours. I’ve sold a few books. And I’ve sold shirts and hoodies and buttons. Merch for the book. I’m doing something at Balticon. The Baltimore science fiction convention. Both music and book related stuff. And I’m going to be doing a thing at the Baltimore Scifi Society in July most likely.

I’m putting everything into my book. It’s all I have now. That and my kids. I have to cling to this dream or I’ll die. It’s my last hope. And it’s the only thing other than my kids that makes me happy. That and my music. I want to write the sequel but I haven’t been able to write lately. No fiction. No poetry. No nothing. Not a good showing for someone who’s talking about making a living from his writing.

Anyway. That’s where I am. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know how I’m going to survive this. I’m going to cling to my kids like a life raft. And I’m going to put everything into writing and music. And if I go down, at least I’ll go down swinging.

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Ledlevee in Poetry & Free Verse

Stop

When will they stop

wounding me?

When will they stop

kicking me when I’m down?

When will someone

see me for what I can be

and not just

the broken mess I am now?

When will my dreams

return from the dust?

Why do they keep

getting shattered and stained?

When will the storms

settle down and subside?

When will the sun peek

through the pouring rain?

When will peace

come to my chaotic brain?

When will healing

overtake the pain?

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Ledlevee in Stream of Consciousness

4-3-2

My life was good.

Now it’s not.

That’s all.

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Ledlevee in Haiku

Haiku

So this is the storm.

If I can somehow survive,

I’ll see the flowers.

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Ledlevee in Poetry & Free Verse

One Day

I hope one day

I have a good day

again.

I hope I learn to live

before I decide to die.

I hope

I find a way to hope

again.

I hope I can survive

long enough

to want to stay alive.

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Ledlevee in Poetry & Free Verse

Until

Life’s a dream until it’s a nightmare.

Everything’s good until it’s not.

You’re hanging on until you’re threadbare.

Everything’s cool until it’s too hot.

You’re full of love until hate takes over.

You keep on fighting until you’re too tired.

You’re drunk and stoned until you’re sober.

You trust people until you’ve met too many liars.

There’s nothing to worry about until there is.

You keep on going until you’re stuck.

You keep hitting until you miss.

You keep on winning until you’re out of luck.

It doesn’t matter until it does.

You can’t feel until it hurts.

You can swim until it floods.

It’s not over until you’re in the dirt.

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Ledlevee in Stream of Consciousness

Anomaly

Why was I cursed

to be born me?

To have to go through life

an anomaly.

To never fit,

never have a place.

Never have a person,

a connection.

I’m like a ghost

watching loves

and lives

from the outside.

Wishing they could be mine.

Wishing any of them

could be mine.

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Ledlevee in Stream of Consciousness

Fight

How can one person

right the wrongs in the world?

Love your brother.

How can one person

stand up to the greed and tyranny?

Love your sister.

How can one person weather this storm

and fight against oppression,

suffering and inequity?

Love your children.

Love your neighbors.

How can one person

stand up to all of this evil,

overcome all of this chaos

and injustice and poverty

and war and suffering

and fighting and death?

Love yourself.

Love your family.

Love your neighbor.

Love your enemies.

Love!

Love!

Love!