It's gone, the world as we know it is over. We have lost all electricity, forever, everything gone. Chaos arises everywhere, there is no stopping the rampage, the fighting, the stealing, the killing, the intensity of not knowing where your next meal will come from. Yet here I am, snuggled in at home. Alone, except for the company of my cats. Do I really need much else? I have my cats and I have my yarn. All day, until the sun goes down, I crochet and cuddle with my cats. The hundreds of blankets, clothes, and stuffed animals keep me warm and snuggled in tight. Time flies by. This is something I have dreamed of for years, this is something I enjoy. Alone, at home, with my cats and my yarn.

It's new,

Built from the ground up.

It hasn't had the time,

It hasn't had the life.

Just a year old,

This home, this room

Is but a baby.

Just waiting.

This room is waiting,

Just waiting for stories.

It wants to tell you,

Tell you everything.

Yet there is nothing,

Nothing to share.

Just the pitter-patter

Of feet and paws.

This room is waiting.

One day, this room will tell

All of the stories

That have yet to come.

I struggle, yet I get by.

My mental health

brings me down.

Further and further down.

The depression takes over,

I sit in the dark.

I lock my mind in the dark,

While my physical body moves.

I can’t get out of it,

Work takes over.

If I don’t work,

Everything drifts away.

Losing everything.

I can’t lose it all.

The fake smile shines,

While no one knows.

Yet one person knows.

He has always known.

He has always wanted

To take control.

If he gets his way,

I’ll be locked up.

I will lose more

than everything I fear.

I will lose my life.

I will be committed.

I will lose all life choices.

They will lock me up.

Would they ever let me out?

Would I be stuck there forever?

I’m not crazy,

I’m depressed.

He can’t do it,

He can’t lock me up.

Not in that place,

Not like that.

@Danceinsilence

One day, it will be my time,

I will have it all.

One day, I will shine

And everyone will see.

One day, I will get a break.

Everyone gets it all.

Give, give, give.

But what about me?

One day, someone will see.

They will see all I do.

My work will be noticed.

They will help.

One day, I will be seen,

I will be heard, I will be helped.

They will see all I do,

Gratitude will flow.

One day, it will be about me.

I read people so well, I know their emotions before they even do. Those who are happy are whom I choose to spend my time with. There is one woman, she is there, yet she isn't. She seems to smile at all of the right times, she seems to laugh at jokes, she seems sad when something terrible happens; yet, she just isn't there. She doesn't have those feelings and I know it is all fake. Our group is small, she spends every day with us, she does what we do, follows the latest trends, she doesn't miss a beat.

From time to time, she is gone. Our group assumes there is a secret lover, just someone she doesn't want us to meet. The group doesn't pester, but they do tease about the secret lover. Then, she is gone again.

After a night away from the group, I come home and look in the mirror. Blood covering my face and clothes. I look in the mirror and I see her. The woman, the one who has no emotions. The woman who fakes it every day with her group. I see the woman I am looking back at me after yet another ruthless kill.

My axiety has been out of control, it has taken over my life, it has taken over my days. The more I think about my anxiety, the lower I feel. As my anxiety grows, so does my depression. I just want to feel happy. I want to have control. Yet the desire for control and not accomplishing that goal pushing my anxiety through the roof. Is it my anxiety I want to manage, or do I just need to give into the lack of control in life?

The older I get, the more important happiness had become. I quit my dead in job, I am no longer miserable to go to work daily. I want to be happy. My family makes me happy, having a wonderful job with flexibility allows me the time to be with my family, without being exhausted and allows me the time to travel. I have never been this happy before.