"Luca?" Alberto asks. Luca was packing to go to school for the second year. They had spend an entire summer together, but it wasn't enough. Alberto didn't want Luca to leave again.
"Yes, Alberto?" Luca smiles at him which just makes Alberto smile without even thinking. He knows that Luca loves school, but Alberto loves him more than Luca could ever love school.
"Do you remember when we were free?" Luca had a look of confusion and Alberto was about to begin laughing but recovered quickly to continue what he was saying.
"You know, last summer. We had no parents telling us what to do, it was just you, me, and our vespa experiments."
"And Giulia." Luca adds in, nodding.
"No, no, no. I mean before that. When we were on the island and it was just you and me." Luca acknowledges this with a nod.
"What are you getting at?" He asks.
"I- I don't know... I guess I just miss it. I miss you." Alberto realizes what he said and blushes, looking down. He quickly glances up and sees Luca smiling his cute smile, the one Alberto can never get enough of.
"I missed you everyday during the school year, Alberto. Ti amo."
"Ti amo anch'io."
I feel lost. I'm drowning in loneliness. In anger. In depression. In anxiety. In stupid, stupid dysphoria. I don't even have to look down at my chest to know that there is something there that I can't get rid of. I wear a binder to make it go away but it doesn't do it. I'm still called "ma'am", "girl", "lady". What else do I have to do to make those words stop? I've tried everything. Nothing works. People say that words don't hurt, but they don't know what it's like to be trans and have to suffer with words that cause excruciating pain everyday. They don't know what it's like to no be excepted by society because you were born in the wrong body. No, they say they do but they don't and they never will. I want to scream at them that it's not so easy and that I'm not just overreacting, that the words they say make me question my life. I want to scream, but I can't. It's like I've lost my voice, unable to get a word out that could possibly shut down those gut-wrenching words. But I can't. I can't, I can't, I can't. And I never will. I'm hopeless. Dysphoria sucks.
No. No, I can't win, I can't beat him. This is my thought process as I'm standing in the arena. I had a peircing sharp sword in one hand and my other was resting on the dagger in the sheath at my hip. I was fighting against Neptune, my true love. We were forced into the arena because in the village of Valon being in love with another man is forbidden. Jupiter and Neptune, a romance like no other that nobody in Valon could ever understand.
"Neptune, please. I can't hurt you." I say this loud enough that the hundreds of eyes watching us scream "boo". His sword is extended in the way he does when getting ready to kill. Neptune is a trained warrior, he knows how to fight and I've watched him as he trains, I know the way he fights and how to know when he's about to strike. And he's about to strike.
"I'm sorry, Jupiter. I have to, I have to live and defend Valon." I watched as tears stung his eyes. That reflected on me as I felt the warm tears run down my cheeks and dribble off my chin.
"I can't do this." I whisper. I drop my sword, listening to it clatter on the ground, another round of "boos" going around in the crowd. Neptunes eyes widen and I see his heart drop. He knows that now that I've dropped my sword he has to kill me. The tears come harder now, from both of us.
"I love you, Jupe." He says.
"I love you too." He walks towards me, dropping his sword as well.
"We're both going to walk out of here, I promise." Neptune says. He wraps is arms around me and I thrust my head into his shoulder, smelling his aroma of sweat and pine needles.
"Don't make promises you can't keep." I mutter into his ear. My dagger is in his chest before I can stop myself. He falls to the ground, his blood pooling around him. I get on my knees, moving my hands to his blood-soaked chest.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry! I didn't mean to, I'm sorry... please don't die, mi amor." My hands are already drenched in his blood and I know that it'll never truly come out. I'll always have the memory of killing the love of my life and his blood being on my hands.
"Thank you..." he breathes in a raspy voice. His last words.
I place my head onto his chest and sob, knowing blood will get in my nose and mouth but not caring. I will never forget today, the day I killed mi amor. I will never forget the day where the only option was to win.
The Friend I Didn’t Know I Needed
We had only met a few months ago, but I can't imagine my life without you. You have been there through my toughest times, making me smile and laugh when all I thought I could do was cry. You've provided me support and love that I am deprived of from one of the people who should love me the most. I hadn't even met you in person yet, only talked to you over messages and I've Zoomed with you, but I know I don't want to lose you. I know you are going through so much in your life as well right now so the fact that you are still here for me through my struggles means a lot. I'm proud of you and everything you're doing. You're so kind-hearted and loving, generous, supportive, funny, understanding, brave, determined, and so much more. I don't know if you feel the same way about me, but I really don't want to lose you. I'm scared to lose you because you just mean so much to me. You never intend to be rude and when you are you apologize about it late, you hate if you think you're coming off rude, you're just so kind-hearted and I admire that about you. We always talk about meeting in the future and I'm so excited for that day because I know that you will want to go on some adventures with me and do some really fun, exciting things. I just want to thank you for being my friend up to this point and hopefully continuing to be my friend for a long time.
I stand on the beach, feeling the corse sand between my toes. It’s a relaxing feel, the sand. It almost makes me forget the horrible thing that happened to me. Almost.
I was getting out of my car, expecting a peaceful day. I was going to go get some fresh watermelon in the patch in my back yard. I love water melon, the luxurious sweet taste of the sticky juice dribbling down my chin on a hot day. The satisfying sound it makes when I bite into it. I love it all, even the seeds. Especially the seeds. The seeds make it so I can grow more watermelon. I thought I was safe in my back yard. I will never make that assumption again. That day, I took a few steps on my soft, green grass before I saw something move in the corner of my eye. It’s just the neighbors cat. I tell myself. I can’t help but to look anyways. I turn my head in the direction of where I saw the movement, nothing was there. A few moments later, I see something move again, almost to the place where my peripheral vision wouldn’t have seen it. I turn my head, still nothing. Stop being paranoid. I tell myself. I make it to my watermelons, smiling widely at how they have grown. I the scissors out of my pocket and cut the stem, rolling the watermelon away and excited to cutting it open. The only problem was, when I picked it up, it didn’t feel right. It felt odd, almost as if there wasn’t a solid on the inside, but a liquid.
“Duh, it’s a watermelon.” I made this joke aloud, which isn’t such a big deal except for I heard a slight laugh. Panic took full force. I swing around, but not quick enough. A large hand hits me across the face, sending my watermelon and me to the ground. The watermelon splatters to the left and sprays me with a warm, red liquid. What is this? Blood. It’s blood that was in my watermelon. I looked up and saw a monster. A big black figure that had long black claws that reached the floor.
“Please...” I whisper.
I got no pity from the monster, only razor sharp claws that rip my chest open and tear out my heart.
Now I’m here, standing at the beach, listening to the waves roll by. No, I am not alive. My life was short, only 22 years but now I get to stand here without a heartbeat, without a breath, listening to the ocean waves and feeling the corse sand between my toes.