They say that colouration is a collection of dirt, a stain of purity

that the mixed are monsters, a sickly stain of purity

but I refuse

I refuse to believe that your heart holds a darker shade of red when you haven't done anything but breathe the same poisoned air as me.

purity and perfection are invisible standards held to masquerade the impurity spewed

and I refuse to let it fool me from the truth that lies underneath.

He draws his swords.

Today, he is a lone fighter on the field.

Today, he faces the scaled creatures alone.

Today, he knows this is his final stand.

He knows he can’t win,

But it won’t stop him from making his death fun.

Blades shining in the sun,

Boots dancing across the courtyard,

Cloak drifting behind him,

Laughter in the wind.

He laughs.

He laughs at the stupidity of it all.

He laughs at the sadness in his heart.

He laughs at the weight in his chest.

He laughs at his loneliness.

He laughs at the pain of the claws,

ripping flesh into ribbons,

He laughs,

Until he draws breath no more.

I wish I would’ve told you.

I lied.

A sweet and somber tale.

Coming freely.

Ever so fleetingly.

It seemed right; I didn’t try to fight.

Yet I must be true.

I don’t love you.

your name is written on

each of my tears

they’ll stroke my cheeks

momentarily

only to fade away

just as you did.

how is it that you gazed into my eyes

(which are a duplicate of your own,

by the way)

and still ruled that i

wasn’t enough for you to stay?

ive spent these years

hiding the ache in my heart

that you left, when

you did

after all this time

i've spent trying to heal

and still, i have no progress

to show

oh, where did my

daddy go?

I wish I would’ve told you

your touch made me smile,

that your laughter made me happy,

that your words always brought me back to you.

I wish I would’ve told you when you’re quiet,

you draw me into you when you kiss me,

it’s that magical moment;

where two become one, and nothing else matters.

I wish I would’ve told you not just that I love you,

but that you are my best friend,

the half I’ve longed for,

and now here we are.

I wish I would’ve told you,

it doesn’t get any better than this.

I wish I had done something sooner.

I wish that she were stronger.

I wish I had the power to make that moment in time last longer.

I wish I were smarter.

I wish I knew what needed to be said.

Maybe If I did, then my sister would not be dead.

I wish I told her not to go.

I wish I told her sooner that her "friends" were no good.

I wish I could've told her that that needle does more than just "set a mood"

I wish I could've been there.

I wish there was a god that would show me how to atone.

Maybe if I did, I'd feel less bad that they found her all alone.

I wish they didn't.

I wish I didn't think about these things still.

I wish we could go back to the days of racing on the hill.

I wish I couldn't feel responsible.

I wish the weight would be lifted from my heart.

Maybe if it did, the rest of my life could start.

your words twist past events

they make me wonder if

maybe

I overreacted

you didn’t do those things

you convince me

even though I’ve seen them with my own eyes

I want nothing more than to believe you.

but I’ve changed -

I am no longer a child

all the years of being

gaslit, manipulated, belittled

it adds up

you’ve made me cold

I won’t suffer your mistreatment

in silence

I can’t anymore

“what do you want from me?”

you’ve asked that many times

shouldn’t it be obvious by now?

all I want is accountability

for you to see what you’ve done wrong

and understand

and not blame anyone but yourself

I want you to try to be better

instead of spouting empty words

useless words

yet again

I want you to respect that I can have my own thoughts

and that just because you don’t agree with them

doesn’t mean that she put them there

I want you to stop invalidating my emotions

trying to win me back with nostalgia

yeah, I bet you would like to go back

to the days when you could control me

I want to be able to trust you again

I want to be able to love you again

I want to be able to spend time around you without wanting to die again

there isn’t a script that you can read out to me

and fix this, like magic

as if your mistakes never mattered in the first place

I want you to be sincere

to actually care about how someone who isn’t yourself feels

an apology shouldn’t be this difficult.

I just wish

you could say sorry

and mean it.

Well now really when we go back then to falling in love. And say it’s crazy falling. You see we don’t say rising into love. There is in it the idea of the fall. And it is goes back as a matter of fact two extremely fundamental things that there is always a curious tie at some point between the fall and the creation. Taking this ghastly risk, is the condition of there being life. You see, for all life is an act of faith and an act of gamble. The moment you take a step, you do so on an act of faith, because you don’t really know that the floors not going to give in to your feet. The moment you take a journey what an act of faith. The moment you enter into any kind of human undertaking in relationship what an act of faith you see you’ve given yourself up. But this is the most powerful thing that can be done surrender see and love is an act of surrender to another person. Total abandonment. I give myself to you. Take me, do anything you like with me. So, that’s quite mad because you see it’s letting things get out of control all sensible people keep things in control. Watch it, watch it, watch it. Security. Vigilance. Watch it police, watch it Gods, watch it , who’s going to watch the Gods? So actually there for all the cost and wisdom what is really sensible is to let go that is to commit oneself to give oneself up and that’s quite mad, so we come to the strange conclusion that in madness lies sanity.