The One That Gets to Stay
He was there when I thought I needed him,
swooping in like Superman to try and save the day.
Did I really need saving?
Not the kind that he was offering in his narcissistic way.
Why not leave the past alone?
Why break the silence after all these years?
I am looking to the future now.
I don’t have time to deal with more tears.
The words were muttered from his mouth,
“Don’t leave me. Please don't go away”.
But there isn't room for both of us, and I will be
the one that gets to stay.
Love at First Sight
We met online. His profile picture really showed off his beautiful eyes. I don’t usually like to make the first move, but with this guy, I just couldn’t resist. I picked up my phone and nervously dialed the number. Would he still be available? I figured a cute guy like this would already be taken.
A friendly voice answered the phone, and I asked if we could meet in person. He was available that very night for a visit, so I quickly agreed and grabbed my keys and purse. I didn’t even take time to put on lipstick.
When I got there, another woman was already with him. I felt a pang. Was I too late? Were they connecting? I peered through the window to try and assess the situation. She seemed friendly enough, but did she want a long term relationship like I did? As she got up to leave, I quickly turned away and pretended to look at a picture on the wall. I didn’t want her to know that I was interested in the same guy, but as soon she left the room, I went it and took her place across from the beautiful brown eyed boy.
As I sat down, the puppy came right over and put his wet nose on my knee. I picked him up and he snuggled down into my lap. His black fur was so soft, and his liquid brown eyes looked right into my soul. It was love at first sight, and I knew he would be mine.
Cling
I once believed we would have a happy ending. I clung to the idea like a tiger clinging to it’s prey, as if my life depended on it. I wanted to be the last couple dancing as we lived out our twilight years together. This was my dream; my desire. But the love that attached me to you was one sided. You didn’t have the same dream. As I was clinging to the rope that connected my soul to yours, you looked me in the eyes and dropped your end. You slowly turned and walked away without a backward glance. I screamed at you to come back to me.
Love me!
Want me!
Miss me!
I roam the rooms that we used to share. Your clothes are gone. Your things are gone. Your smell is gone. I still dream about you from time to time as I sleep in our bed alone. My heart still breaks in my dreams. When I am awake, I am learning to let go of the rope that connected me to you, but in my dreams, I still cling and cry out in anquish.
I love you!
Don’t leave me!
Why won’t you hear me?
Day by day it is getting easier. My fear is slowly being replaced by hope. I can still laugh at the shows we used to watch together. I am stronger than I think I am. Grace has become my friend, and I accept her generous gifts. I release and mourn for the future that I will not have with you. I am lonely, but I am learning that being lonely by myself is so much easier that being lonely with you.
I am strong.
I am brave.
I will love again.
The End and the Beginning
The sky is turning purple and orange as the sun begins its ascent. I slowly open my eyes and gaze across the desert as the colors bounce off the sand and the mountains in the distance. The air is cool, and as I start to shiver, I pull a blanket tighter around me. How did I get here? I look around at my surroundings. I am laying on a wooden bench on the porch of a small cabin. My body is stiff, and I wonder if I slept here all night.
I slowly start to remember as my haze begins to lift. My marriage is over. I am now a single mother. How did I get here? It felt surreal as I had sat at the courthouse a mere 24 hours ago, watching as the judge ended our sixteen-year marriage with a flick of his wrist. It had taken so long to get there, but it was over so fast. We had come to Mexico on our honeymoon all those years ago. We had always said we would come back, but life had other plans. A mortgage, jobs, two children...we just never made it back. I had made a pact with myself to come back on my own. I called it trying to find some closure. Maybe it was an attempt to run away for a minute. Either way, I had done it. I had bought a plane ticket and boarded a plane right after we were done at the courthouse and made my way back to Mexico. Part of me wanted to be reckless and meet some handsome man and throw caution to the wind. Why not? Didn’t I deserve a little reckless abandon?
As soon as the plane touched down, I had made my way to a bar and began to drink. I’m a lightweight, and it didn’t take long for me to drown my sorrows. I don’t know how I made it to this cabin, and as I lay here now, looking out at the beautiful landscape, I wondered if maybe I had carried out my plan and some random stranger had brought me back to his place. Was he in there right now passed out on the bed? I feel a jab of panic at the thought, and I feel slightly ill. I slowly sit up and stretch my aching muscles. The tears that I didn’t know were there, begin to slide down my cheeks. It’s funny how they just come sometimes without warning. I am overwhelmed with feelings of relief that it is over mixed with such an intense sadness. I loved him with all that I had, and it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough for him. Yet through the process, I had learned that I am enough for myself. I hear a voice behind me ask if I would like a drink of water. It’s not the voice of an unknown man. It’s a voice I know instantly. It’s the voice of my friend; my sister; my soul mate. I don’t know when she got here or how she found me. But she’s here. I look at her and start to sob. She sits beside me on that wooden bench and wraps her arms around me. I lay my head on her shoulder and she lets me cry. I don’t know how I got here, but it doesn’t matter. She is here with me as I begin the next phase of my journey, and there are no need for words.