I sat still

And forced my feet into the earth

To make sure it was still there

I am still here

And I inhaled to feel my lungs expand

And contract

Breathe in

Feel my heartbeat

Breathe out

Here I am

Breathe in

Here I am

Breathe out

Breathe out

Breathe. Breathe.

And I got caught up in my breathing

And I tricked myself

I overthought and

Then the pain

And the trembles came

The panic

And it hurt

And I hurt therefore I am

I hurt therefore I am

I hurt therefore

I am

Here I am.

And I sat still

And forced my feet

Into the earth once more.

Why you sittin over dere?

His legs wide open

Brazenly claiming the space we occupy together

I shrugged my shoulders

Dismissive

But a tease to him.

Bruh why you playin wit me

He got up

The smell of weed reminding me of other boys his age

Who always need to stop at the store for a black n milds

He sat down next to me

Forcing my body to make space

You get down like your friend do?

My friend was in the other room with his friend

I came along cause she asked me to.

No, I said.

Oh you one of dem stuck up girls?

I knew what he was doin

That’s what they said when they want you to prove them otherwise.

Yup, I said.

You too cute fa dat.

Another hook.

Thanks, I said.

I held my arms together to keep them from accidentally touching his body.

You cold?

He started to rub my arms

Nope. I said.

He stopped.

Aight den, I see how it is. Why you come here if you jus gon’ be all stuck up n shit. Hate bitches like you, man. Yo friend know what it is. You ain’t even cute like dat. She badder den you, anyway.

Soft hands

Can mean hard work.

Wet eyes

Can mean strength

Delicate words

Can be powerful

Fatherhood

Can mean nurturing

Bother-hood

Can mean revolutionary

But a No

will never mean yes.

They might tell you to hide your umbrella

Cause the rain ain’t coming

Or ain’t been felt in lord knows how long

But they ain’t seen rain

Like I’ve seen rain.

They might tell you to keep a clean house

Who they expectin’ over?

To cover your sofa with plastic

Like grandma used to

I rise in mess, honey.

I know what’s cluttered all over this place.

They might tell you something ain’t meant to be yours

If it ain’t got your name on it

That’s why I keep a marker in my purse

They too busy being erased to realize pencils ain’t as strong.

Write your name all over this place.

They might tell you that song that you been singing

Since you were a little girl

Ain’t a real melody.

Bellow it’s words

From the pit of your soul

And the cave of your belly

It ain’t got to be beautiful for nobody.

So you hum and skip to it.

You hear me?

Don’t let them tell you nuthin’

My love for you

Was a beautiful sight

But misplaced

Like palm trees in the hood.

Our love

Had a story to tell

Like tattoos on our ancestors

But we fell apart

I wished

Blew into a dandelion

And asked the universe to take hold of us

To ask the moon to surrender itself to our sweetness

To ask the sun to do everything aside from igniting a fire

I stare into our ashes.

Please be a Phoenix.

Please be a Phoenix.

Please be a Phoenix.

I used to run away from boys

Whose hands were faster than their mouths

Whose eyes broke me down and put me back together again

“You’re allergic to them,” she said

So I kept running.

Until 9th grade.

My sprint slowed to a jog

Then a walk.

I was stuck.

“Who is that?”

He asked the same about me.

We kissed on the side of the building

I couldn’t feel my legs giving out

Until you caught me.

You walked me home and told me you wish you didn't have to go back to yours.

So you climbed through my window.

We were reckless

And inexperienced.

It could have easily happened that night.

I started running again.

But this time it was from you.

Something wasn’t right.

15 years later you’ve loved others

And so have I.

We kissed again

On the side of your car

And I felt destruction coming.

It began that night.

She is 2. Half of me and of you.

I had to realize why I ran away the first time.

I can’t now. She anchors me to you and I fuckin hate it.

My sweet girl.

I remember when I doubted you.

I read this book and I thought it was about me.

About us.

It was something about Kevin.

I was three months pregnant and I didn’t want to poison me.

-Us.

I’m sorry

With its meaning

so I threw it in the trash.

Instead I read you Grimms fairytales

And I wished I could’ve held you.

A little patience and a lot of pain

then there you were.

Hair so soft I felt the toughness of my own hands when I touched it.

A cry like a siren in the ocean.

Wide.

And eyes wet just the same.

I took you home and never have I been more cautious.

I didn’t even want to breath the same air as you.

My fresh little thing.

In the beginning I was worried about my transformation

You know?

Into a mom.

Then that night

Instead of anger when you cried like the thunder

At 3am

I smiled cause I got to be there for you.

Now you run and laugh into my shoulders

And climb on me like the jungle gym outside your classroom.

And you tell me you love me too

No longer walking like a duckling

But you prance

And it’s so beautiful.

No longer do you repeat the same word.

Or mumble something only a mommy can decipher

But now it’s

Hold my hand, mommy.

Dance, mommy.

Smile, mommy.

I can’t believe I was scared to unwrap you.

My little gift.

My little light.

And now I feel my claws extending

And the growl rising from my belly

And I watch those around you

I anticipate the strike

Because

Little light

This world can be a dungeon

You don’t see it yet

It’s still your playground

And while you spin and swing

I will die if I have to.

My gift that will never be returned.

My light that provides a light the sun is too weak to give.

My baby girl.

The sun slowly rolls

Over my window

Again.

The flowers on my kitchen table

Withers under the heat.

It takes a few days

But it has lost its strength.

I was proud when I plucked it.

Pretty thing.

Poor thing.