Once more;

I sparkle in the moonlight,

Running carelessly in my dreams.

Chased by a handsome wolf;

I wonder

Why I’m playing with Fire..

I know I’m diamonds but keep giving myself to thieves..

The wolf knows nothing about caring for my heart,

Loving the way I do.

And yet,

I throw my heart into his gaping mouth,

Hoping he won’t chew it up and spit it out this time..

What is wrong with me?

How do I start

My heart

To rise once more

After being thrown across the room

Back into my face,

AGAIN..

And stomped on for good measure.

Do I perform CPR?

Do I stab it with adrenaline?

Shall I use the defibrillator?

The electric shocks aren’t enough.

I pick my heart back up off the ground,

Gingerly holding that fragile thing.

The one that threw it turned his back to look out over the city.

On his balcony,

We sit in silence now.

My brain is yelling to run again.

It was warm outside,

But now the clouds gathered over the once present sun.

His shadow was the cause of the now present permeating cold within my bones.

I put my heart back in the gaping hole in my chest,

Making sure to lock the door with chains this time.

I’m Begging it to restart.

To hold on.

The tears I refused to shed?

Threatening to well over the rims of my soul gazers..

I bid adieu and walk out with not a look back.

I am trembling,

as if injected with the adrenaline I needed to jumpstart my heart.

“Hello sir?!”

I scream at the skies,

“How do you heal a heart?”

Is it bandaids?

Crazy Glue?

Kintsukori?

Must I use sutures?

Someone must have the answers.

All the hands yearning to hold me,

All the hands yearning to be with me,

But the hands that I want?

They let me fall.

Over and over.

They make me fall,

Without intention of catching me.

So I freefall,

From Cloud Nine,

To my home in Hell.

To rise from the flames once more.

A hardened Phoenix,

Eventually I’ll emerge a woman of steel.

I saw y’all walking together.

Think I’m too tired to care.

Think I’m not even going to dare.

Think I’m done fighting to be...

Yours.

Think I’m simply done.

Think these games got old too quick.

But it’s okay.

You got what you wanted.

It was a game you played.

You played it well.

A story sold,

You watched it sell.

I’m done with foolishness.

Do what you will.

Spinning worlds,

Stomach is sick,

Skin crawls,

So ill.

Think I’ll drown a pill

With my tears contaminated whiskey.

I’m waking up,

And you’re still sleeping.

I was going to be yours but you didn’t want me.

So close,

I still burnt.

I’m done,

Realizing how the world keeps turning.

My heart left yearning.

I’m done listening to Cupid.

He’s got my mind twisted.

So Stupid.

I’ve made mistakes

But I’ll find a way

To make you understand more

My pleas which you ignore

You’re supposed to be a man

But otherwise

You’ve been torture

And I’ve been damned

Never an explanation

Or worthwhile apology

Just reminders

You to me

Your touch repulsive

I shrink away into the arms of my solitude

Melting into warm, steadier eyes

And you watch as the one you betrayed

Moves on

Daring you to become a better man

For you’ll never have my love again

But maybe some day,

Another woman can.

The day is coming.

I’ll pick you up only shortly to realize I didn’t account for how handsome you’d look.

Those steady brown eyes,

The strong arms that may carry me lest I collapse.

You’re the only person who’s ever been able to calm the storm within me;

When I’m with you the drama disappears,

I’m calm.

It’s like the eye of a hurricane,

And I wish I could just stay.

As I was passing out in your arms in your bed,

I realized I’m falling for someone before I’m allowed.

I bolted because I was afraid to face that truth.

My brain is always running,

My sleep away from me;

But in ur arms I rested,

For the first time in what seems like Forever.

What’s worse is I don’t feel regretful.

I wish I could stop my heart from feeling.

Because I know you’ll never feel how I do.

But I’m not saying this for reciprocation.

I’m saying it to further your knowledge.

Your steady eyes calm my storm,

And as such,

I don’t know what storm I couldn’t weather if you’re there.

You became more to me as time marched on.

In the midst of the separation currently consuming my life,

You made me yours.

Am I simply another conquest?

Something less than important?

Was I right when I said she wasn’t gonna need you anymore some day?

She took your money.

She doused your flame.

And here I am.

Again.

I went to your place one night,

A sanctuary away from my jailer.

My soon to be ex in the bed back home.

While I serve as your sounding board and something more.

What am I to you?

No sooner we were done,

And we started talking about her.

You read me the poems.

As if that’s what a woman wants to hear.

The poems between ex-lovers.

It hurt me.

Didn’t you see?

As I was trying to listen,

I was about to massage your back.

You aggressively shrugged me off while still reading your poems.

I died a little more inside.

Because no matter how I thought we were done,

You’re still the subject of more prose.

But there’s no we.

There’s me.

And you.

And you.

I’m aware I’m here to help you heal.

But when you’re done healing,

You’ll fly again.

Your fire will once again burn.

For another.

Because like Eponine,

I’m left on my own.

Loving someone who will never feel the same.

I’ll always just standby & smile.

Because regardless how it hurts,

I’ll be happy you’re finally happy.

I died.

And you’ll never have witnessed it.

Because you’ve never reciprocated.

—————//•\\—————

I run.

I run into fires.

I run away from him.

As he chases me down like a pack dog.

Smothering me with questions I can’t answer,

I run.

I can’t stick around the heavy air that he puts outs

I run into the fire building in my lungs.

One more mile.

One more step.

I’m running towards the end goal.

I’m gonna fly high some day,

High out of the reach of his prying questions.

I’ve made my vows to him but now feel chained.

Not because of what he’s done to me.

Or the pain endured.

But simply because my insides are screaming!

I must be free.

I mustn’t stay anymore.

I run.

I’ll keep running.

Running to my freedom.

My hope.

Dancing amongst the poppies,

A field of those blood red beauties,

There you were.

My daughter with the sun in her face,

Your green eyes coming to life.

If but one thing remains true in this life,

It’s that happiness is found in the presence of innocence.

Your laughter echoes from this field to the heavens,

Your feet like feathers on the ground.

I scoop you up & your squeals resonate in my soul.

You’ll grow up & perhaps no longer need me,

But moments like these will remain etched into my heart for eternity.

May your heart grow ever bigger,

Your soul brighter each day,

And May your laughter remain pure.

My daughter,

Let nobody define your happiness.

And may happiness never leave you unattended.

May this piece of advice remain with you,

For never anything more true there was,

It’s best to be alone & happy,

Than accompanied & miserable.

It’s all the cliches and then more.

It’s laughing at the wrong moment because otherwise you’ll cry hysterically.

It’s tears on the pillow.

It’s the lack of will to breathe.

To move.

To step foot out of the house.

It’s a glance in the mirror at someone you no longer recognize.

Someone?

Something?

It’s the lack of color in life.

It’s the lack of appetite.

It’s the over sensation of negative feelings.

And the numbness to feelings all in one.

It’s the lack of self care.

The tangles in your hair.

The dull clang of plates crashing around you,

And it doesn’t matter anymore.

It’s going on autopilot because the days seem meaningless now.

It’s the lack of flavor.

The loss of rhythm.

It’s fatigue, exhaustion,

but sleep won’t come.

And what’s worse?

When nobody will come see you.

When nobody reaches out to you.

But when they do you turn down the visit,

Or when they come by as a surprise,

You hide your feelings,

Masked by a smile.

“I’m fine.”

Humble like my mama taught me,

Ironically proud of who I am.

A queen as matriarchal head of my house,

Princess in the eyes of Heaven,

Daughter of the most high.

My crown stays put,

Thru all the tumbles.

My best revenge is to make it look like nothing ever hurt me,

Secretly cursing you out with my “bless your soul”’s southern charm,

A prayer on my lips on Sunday morning,

A rhythm in my feet the day before.

I’m worth more than rubies,

As any woman should be.

My soul made of a celestial body nothing can destroy.

Where my vision will fade from my brown eyes,

Where my body will decay whilst buried,

Where my hair will become priceless silver,

My skin may become translucent,

My blue blood will run thin,

My soul shan’t perish.

In life,

I kiss my children’s tear stained cheeks,

And mend their wounds.

I referee the eternal fight between the three of them.

I mentor my daughter to be strong yet poised.

Woman.

Mother.

Wife.

Daughter.

Sister.

Friend.

Queen.

I am all these.

And more.

Might runs strong within me.

Hear me roar.