I close my eyes and bite my tongue as I drop to my knees in the middle of the street

Over the roar of traffic I lay face down and imagine the sensation of your fingers lazily grazing my skin one more time

My heart pounds as I remind myself that all I ever wanted was to prove that I'd lay down my life for you

hot tears of self hatred

they recoil in the presence of compliments,

but manifest when there's no one here to remind me that I am a human being with a life worth living

they laugh as they stream down my face

and hiss as they stain the pillowcase black and red

I can't do anything but let them wreak their havoc because I'm tired of holding them back

'let me die here

melt into nothing

not like anyone will even notice if I disappear one day and never come back'

so one day, I think

I let myself out

They're just words,

I tell myself as I write furiously in the black book

They're just words,

I tell myself as I run from the boys who call me ugly and the girls who call me a prude

They're just words,

I tell myself when I hear my parents scream at each other in the night

They're just words,

I tell myself as I try to tell you how I feel about you and fail

They're just words,

I say as I lay down and asphyxiate myself with this enormous lump I kept in my throat

it's the lowest feeling in the world;

having to look into the eyes of the one person

whose smile shines so bright that your knees quake

whose presence alone leaves you in awe

when you know they don't even see you

standing right in front of them

it's the lowest feeling in the world;

running around your mess of a room

books papers pens clothes posters

all you're looking for is the journal

you have to find it

otherwise this feeling you're holding onto

this one that you need to write down

this one that you need to remember

will be lost forever

and you can't find the journal in the mess

so you just cry

it's the lowest feeling in the world;

when you can't say how you feel

you cannot dictate those words and speak them

because the second you do everything will fall apart

every word you spoke yes

the words you hand picked so meticulously

thrown away

the conversations the laughter the joy

cast into the arms of violence

just like that stupid feather in Forrest Gump

you'll remember all of it but now it's nothing but a

constant reminder

it's the lowest feeling in the world;

being left behind

your hood is up and you're shielding yourself from the

icy ignorance of the person you love being

happy

without you

it's the lowest feeling in the world;

when you're young and innocent and eager to give yourself away and you

give yourself away

but you haven't yet learned that the most beautiful things in life tend to be

very fragile

so in your blind effort to be happy

and feel worthy

you crush the thing you wanted most

why didn't anyone warn you

that life is so fragile

it's the lowest feeling in the world;

choking down tears with a forced smile

you're digging a hole

so deep that the things you fear will fall so far

and they'll never escape

but you forgot that in this life

losing your balance is so easy

and by the time you realize that you've slipped

it's too late

it's the lowest feeling in the world;

you're lower now than you ever imagined was possible and you're the idiot who dug the hole

I will outline my eyes with black for the nights I didn't sleep because I kept thinking about how you don't miss me

I will hide the blemishes with a concealer and blend them against the things I'm too ashamed to tell you I've done

I will contour and shape my face and my body to fit next to yours even though we are destined to never touch

I will paint my lips red with the blood that lives forever under my nails from scratching myself because no matter what I do I can't feel anything

I will never stop trying to be close to you even though I will never be good enough because you are naturally immaculate and

I will never have the natural beauty that you deserve inside or out

I put my change in a jar that I keep above the bookcase

I put it on display in the menagerie that is my room,

The disarray is comforting in a way

The change is the words I swallow to keep everything the same

Pennies and dimes and feelings after midnight

Things I'm too afraid to even whisper to my pillows

Things I'll vehemently deny to myself

So I just collect the rusty nickels

Pick up the quarters in parking lots

And put them in the jar that is my messy mind

Push out even the fleeting idea of saying what's inside

I keep the change where I can feel it moving in the back of my head

Even though I'm too scared to thrust my hands inside and pull out the words that are burning holes in my skull because

Nothing can change

Not yet

Don't touch that jar up there.

One, two, three

Counting the seconds until my consciousness leaves me

Four

My body shakes with every blow

Five, six

Why do you enjoy this

What did I do to deserve you

Why do I let you

Seven, eight, nine

My vision blurs and reality bends and I see bright lights and then

Ten

You hunger for my bloody demise and I hunger for your bloody satisfaction

'Too much of a good thing can be bad'

But I want you to take my hand

Lead me to the galaxies that are your soul and

Blind me with your endless constellations

You are my night sky

When I was a child I used to pick flowers from the creek behind the house and press them between pages of books I loved because my mother told me to immortalize the beautiful things in life because they never last

She was right, too

Robert Frost said it first of course, and Johnny echoed it as well when he breathed his last words to Ponyboy

Nothing gold can stay

You are gold to me.

You are a golden-maned stallion in a field of dreams where the sun is always setting and it reflects beams of purple and pinkish light off of your coated silhouette in the distance

You speak words of far more value than gold when you reassure me that I am human again because sometimes I forget that my life is worth living too

You will probably never realize how golden you are and that is why I'm scared

Nothing gold can stay

I'm begging you to let me take you and press you into the pages of my mind because I want to immortalize you in your golden perfection

Please let me put you into the book that I keep under my pillow every night so that I can rest easy knowing that you are there and you're still golden

Just stay this one time Mr. Frost please be wrong just this one time let me keep my gold so that I can keep going

When I was a child I used to pick flowers from the creek behind the house and press them between pages of books I loved because my mother told me to immortalize the beautiful things in life because they never last

I'm not a child anymore but I still feel the urge to defy the Frost and keep my gold

When God said

"Let there be light"

He began to twist his fingers and created what became

You

There you are

Standing in the hallway

I can see your shadow under the door

You're not moving

Making sure I'm not moving

But Teacher,

Where would I go?

You have sayings of truth

And outside my door my hallway is only

Whispers

Eyes gleaming with unsaid gossip

People waiting for the right moment to

SCREAM

I saw you

I saw you in the backseat

Sweaty slimy slut

I dare you to deny it

Pics or it didn't happen

When God said

"Let there be light"

The switch in my room was flipped

My stomach soon followed

I swallowed the blood and bile

He hits harder when he's

Drunk,

Of course

Your room's not clean?

50

Your hair is frizzy after a sleepless night?

50

You left the light in the garage on?

50

Oh would you

Stop crying. I didn't raise you like that

I beg your pardon,

Dearest father

Behind the confession curtain

Please let me explain

I screwed up but if I do one more push up

I think my arms will collapse

And I'll fall and fall so far down into a great big

Nothing

I can't be nothing

Nothing isn't good enough

Where will I be if I am not

When God said

"Let there be light"

You better believe

I punched that fat thot in her big ugly face.

Don't you EVER

TOUCH

MY LITTLE SISTER

AGAIN

OR I SWEAR TO YOU

I'LL MESS YOUR FACE UP SO BAD

YOUR MOTHER WON'T RECOGNIZE YOU

She cried

I hit

I bit her arms

I pulled her hair

I clawed at her eyes

I called her ugly

I called her stupid

Being the bully

Felt amazing

Even in the principal's office

On the phone with mother dearest

Unapologetic Unapologetic

Are you kidding me? I'd love to do it all over again.

Let me hit her again.

Please.

I want to do it again

I said

Let there be violence

When God said

"Let there be light"

He pushed me up against the car door

I let him put his tongue in my mouth

I let him touch me

I let him think I loved him

I led him on

And when they found him in his bathroom

Crimson water running in the tub

Open wrists

I knew it was my fault

Because I finally told him I lied

I lied

Every time

I lied

And I lied because I knew

He wasn't ready for the truth

It did not set him free

Oh no

It set him off

When God said

"Let there be light"

I cried for hours

Wrote you letters

(I burned them all)

Pretended to not care

(Of course I did)

Let myself go

(I pined for you)

Ignored you in public

(I wanted nothing more than to be next to you)

Ignored your phone calls

(I listened to every voicemail)

Because I knew

(Of course I knew)

You weren't real

(That person was never you)

Here I am

(Alone)

Where are you?

(Are you awake too?)

Not real.

(I should just forget it)

Nothing we never had was real

(Because we had a lot of nothing)

What a comfort to me that is

(You never broke my heart)

Because you weren't real at all

(What a comfort to me that is)

When God said

"Let there be light"

You're still standing in the hallway

You're still drunk

I'm still enjoying breaking your face

Your tongue is still in my throat

And you still don't exist

Oh God

Teacher,

Where can I go?

You have sayings of truth

And I am not worthy

I can't handle the truth

No

The light is coming but God

I can't

I won't make it

I just need more time

I'm filthy I'm violent I'm a killer I'm exhausted I'm a whore

But I can change

Please dear God.

Just hold back the light.

For just a moment.