Dear Mom,

Let me first start by saying that there's not a day that has gone by in these last 20 years that I haven't thought of you. In the last few months leading up to today, I've spent a lot of time thinking about how your death has shaped me into who I am. I like to think that the best in me comes from you and the profound impact you have on my life. Your death has taught me more about myself and life than the 11 years we spent together. It has taught me how to truly live, love, learn, lead, and laugh. I saw the best in you when you were here, even in your last days, and I continue to see it in parts of me, Victor and in your granddaughters all this time later.

There's so much that has happened in my life that I wish you had been a part of. There's all the big occasions like graduation, my wedding, the birth of my children but the ones that I feel I've missed out on most were the smaller events. Breakups, fights with friends, the drama and everyday struggle. How wonderful would life be had I been able to pick up the phone or drive over for a glass of wine and a chat/cackle? Well, that's not my reality but I'm not mad about it anymore. There was a very long time where I was pissed off at the world and I rebelled but I later found out that it was all time and energy wasted. I stopped throwing a temper tantrum and decided that these are the cards that life has dealt me, lets make the most of it. That's when the best part of my life started happening.

Now that I am in my thirties I have a better understanding of the events that took place but it mostly leads me to think about the heartache that you must have gone through preparing for your own death. I have no doubt that you spent a lot of time trying to work out the details of what would happen to Victor and I after your passing and as a mother, I can honestly say, that would be the HARDEST thing to do. We saw things that no kids should see. The daily shots, the chemo side effects, the rapid weight loss, the casket. My perspective on your death completely flipped after having the girls. I look at them and can only imagine that's how you looked at us and it makes me hug them a little longer and a little tighter. It's gut wrenching to think about leaving my girls the way you had to leave us. I break down every time I think about it.

On a more positive note, those little faces bring so much joy and laughter to my life, it's kind of gross. They seem to have a lovable, energetic, and playful humor and I know some of that comes from you in a way. Marley loves to hear stories about you and and from when I was a little girl. I know you show yourself in little ways to my girls and I don't think they mind.

There's been many times when you've shown yourself to me. Whether it was calling my name, touching my shoulder, shadows around the corner, I know it is you. I like to believe that you are here with me, it makes things a little easier. You're in the passenger seat when I'm jamming out to Shania Twain's Who's Bed Have Your Boots Been Under and Garth Brooks Friends in Low Places. There is a VERY distinct vibe in the room when you walk in. It's comforting but at the same time, it's unsettling in a way.

I guess what I want you to know most is that although I miss you terribly, I have been blessed by your death. I don't mean that I am glad it happened but I would not be the same person had you survived. Please know that I will continue to live my life in a manner that honors you and your memory. I love you dearly my sweet mother. Only time keeps us apart.

Love Always,

Messy Jessi

If it's Big M it's usually, "There's a finger in my eye. Why is there a finger in my eye? It's not even my finger. "

Tap.Tap.

"Mommy?"

And

If it's Little M it's most likely, "Noooo! Go back to sleep! Go back to sleep. You're not really awake! Go back to sleep. Where's your bink? Here it is. Go back to sleep!"

That is the answer.

I have challenged myself to be an attentive listener

To be a patient driver

To be a parent who demonstrates and encourages positivity and creativity

To be a reliable partner

To be a willing worker

To be a thrifty spender

To be a homeowner

To be a better cook and baker

To be a less judgmental

To be more organized

But most importantly

To be less critical of myself.

Poolside. Eight months pregnant, quietly miserable and a little nauseous. He was so excited. The enthusiasm was distracting to say the least. I was pumped. "It's going to be huge!" His excitement has always been infectious.

Fast forward 2 months later.

The text read, "Prose just went live in the App Store! Download it!"

"On it!"

He was right!

Always is.

I'm proud of you TK!