In grieving my friend Ares, I found Hinduism to be my solace. The concept of karma; there is no plan - but things, bad things happen for a reason. It means that great goodness is happening elsewhere.

I wonder if my personal god Ganesha had a hand in this. Life was an obstacle for Ares' soul so it was removed...I think Hinduism can be a comfort to non-believers too. Imagine - the life you see, any aspect of it could contain my dear friend's soul. From a spider in your kitchen, a flower blooming in the garden, a magpie soaring in the sky.

His 21 year old mortal body was liberated from pain and suffering, but a core part of him continues. I believe certain human qualities originate from the soul: kindness, gentleness, intelligence. Those qualities will endure. His spirit still exists. If only he still existed with us...but his suffering was great. He has been freed. Depression took his life from us, but now he is free.

I just hope he is happy.

#prosechallenge #frommynotes #anotetomyself #spilledink #creativewriting #incompleteexpressions #bereavement #Hinduism #depression #mentalhealth #friendship #reincarnation #karma #religion #grief

The following represents a snippet from my internal monologue whilst I lie in bed with anxious thoughts racing through my head. This extract contains around 2-3 minutes worth of those thoughts.

It's your fault he died.

You can't go to sleep right now. All you did today was pretend to work and watch sitcoms you've already seen. Nothing real happened. Your depression won again. You're a loser. You're a failure. You don't deserve to sleep. You should get up, get out of bed, go get your laptop, finish your stupid novel, make a plan for your charity that will never happen, start that online CBT course which won't help, just get your life right idiot! Don't just sleep with your dreams! Don't you want to be happy? Don't you want to feel happy for once in your life? Stop blaming him for ruining you, when it was you that ruined him. He was so young. So gentle.

You saved him from dying quite a few times. So, you couldn't save him in the end. No one can save anyone.

F**k. What's that noise? Is someone in my house? I left my door open last night by accident for like 7 hours...what if someone snuck in, crept upstairs, picked the lock of one of my housemates' doors, hid in wait and is now going to murder me in my own bed...I need a knife. Or maybe my umbrella, I can grab it, keep it under the covers and use it as a weapon to defend myself. Shall I pre-dial 911? No, dammit, 999, this is England! Those American sitcoms have really got in your head, as well as your mother's anxiety. No one is in the house. Oh god! I hear footsteps! No one is in my house. I'm all alone. My bedroom is on the ground floor. I'm so vulnerable. I'm going to die. Hang on...the doors creak...I haven't heard any creaking doors...ah. The walls are thin. It's my neighbours. The noises are from next door. No one is in my house. But...what if ghosts exist? What if he's come back to haunt me...

What if he you didn't argue? What if you were a better friend, a better housemate? You should have done more. He has a family. Maybe he wouldn't have taken that overdose...maybe he would still be alive...

Oh shit. I forgot to eat dinner yesterday. I'm hungry. Do I have any cereal left?

#prosechallenge #prose #spilledink #streamofconsciousness #creativewriting #bereavement #anxiety #insomnia #mentalhealth #incompleteexpressions

Too hot. I'm sweating,

Bugs everywhere, buzz off! Ugh.

This is a nightmare.

#summer #seasons #prosechallenge #haiku #poetry #creativity #incompleteexpressions

Do you ever feel like hurling your phone against a brick wall?

Just to hear the smash,

To see it smash into

A thousand sparkling black splinters;

Each a shade lighter than my soul.

SMASH it splinters as it comes into contact with

The rustic brown and red brick wall.

I need it. I want to feel it smash,

To hear it crack, to know the end.

Instagram: @incompleteexpressions

Blog: jasamundos.wordpress.com

#poem #poetry #prosaicpoets #depression #mentalhealth #original #shortpoem

The effervescent youth

In your hazel eyes shines with

Such dazzling intensity

That your whole being radiates

Like a bioluminescent creature

Diligently formed

By the hands of God.

Instagram: @incompleteexpressions

Blog: jasamundos.wordpress.com

#poem #poetry #prosaicpoets #depression #mentalhealth #original #shortpoem

I strongly (naïvely) believe that

I have the ability

To write my feelings away,

Into oblivion.

After all, the pen is mightier than

The British mental health services

(And I guess the sword).

Instagram: @incompleteexpressions

Blog: jasamundos.wordpress.com

#poem #poetry #prosaicpoets #depression #mentalhealth #shortpoem #enjoy

I was a baby in my mother's arms,

Leaving the hospital where I was born.

My eyes were blinded by the

Natural light from the windows.

My ears couldn't cope with the noise,

So it all blurred into the background,

But I felt this

Glowing warmth, this

Intense feeling of security, this

Unadulterated happiness...

Then my eyes closed from the

Exhaustion of being overwhelmed by

The new world,

And everything went black.

P.S.: I don't know what the etiquette is for entering your own challenge but it's just for anyone feeling the writer's block and wanting to write something :)

#poem #poetry #poet #myfirstmemory #challengeentry

I’m in the pit again.

It’s not completely dark down here, not anymore. I’m used to getting dragged down there, it was beyond my control, but now I’m wise to those wretched hands. I see them before they can grab my ankles - young, pale, but covered with broken skin, black dirt, chipped, sharp nails etruding from the swollen fingertips, drawing blood from my unscarred skin like secrets from a willing snitch.

My own body betrays me.

I see these hands now, and stamp on them. It’s not a permanent solution, but it gives me time to grab some things - books, fairy lights, a soft chair, some blankets, so I can decorate the pit a little and make it less dark.

The fairy lights, and a lamp with a flickering light bulb that needs changing, illuminate this area a little. My eyes are unfocused by shortsightedness, slightly blinded by tears, so the lights seem blurry and far away. I’m feeling more than geographical distance from you today...

I’m comfortable down here, but I can’t stay here for ever. But I can’t get out without asking for help. But I can’t ask for help.

Am I a coward? Perhaps. What scares me? Rejection? Being mocked, or dismissed? Or maybe I just don’t want to burden people with my problems anymore.

I feel trapped, not by the pit, but by all of you. I’m obligated to be your friend and include you in my life. If I’m not happy, then it affects you, which affects me, because I love you all so much. My personal god, Ganesha, the one I attempt to channel and embody successfully so that my soul grows towards him and eternal happiness, is the remover of obstacles. I may feel low, depressed, in a pit, but it’s counterproductive, it does not help me achieve my primary goal in life if I drag you down here with me. I’d rather stay stuck so that you can all be free.

Yet I want you here. With me.

I want all those compliments that I rejected before. I want you to tell me how much you love me, how much you value my existence, that you need me and want me to be happy. I want too much from you right now. It’s not fair.

Maybe I don’t want but need you, but you don’t need this. It’s depression without reason, it’s biological sadness, I am tired and this was probably something I could have prevented by sleeping more.

However, I couldn’t sleep last night. Or any night. Sleeping is not something I’m good at...but I could improve. I know how to, I know what I need to do, yet I don’t.

Why am I so irrational?

Why do you love me?

Why am I worth it?

I’m feeling a bit braver. I want to ask you these questions, I need to hear what follows your “because...”. I’m just scared I’ll annoy you so much that you’ll see the real me and will end this long distance relationship, as you should.

As you sit at your gloomy desk at work, unaware of the vicious cycle of thoughts running around in my head like lab rats on caffeine, you are rightfully undisturbed. I’ll sacrifice my chance for freedom today and I’ll stay in this pit. You are worth it. Today, I want you to be free of this burden. The burden of me. I hope you feel free, even though you aren’t.

I can deal with this on my own. I can process and eradicate this pain. I can and will liberate myself.

One day, I will have my freedom, and we will enjoy it. Together.

#challengeoftheweek #freedom #depression #mentalhealth #prosechallenge #prose