i’m sorry for healing slowly
i have never wanted to heal so bad.
i have never wanted to heal so bad.
never wanted to fall back in love with life, to look forwards to waking up, to shrug off my ever-present cloak of depression and be able to live with the same saturation as before.
i mourn who i was before, but i do not want to be her again. i must change, as we all do, as it is healthy, but i do wish i hadn't changed into such a excuse for who i could've been.
and i forgive myself, i do not think i am bad, or lacking, i am simply,
i have never wanted to heal so bad, so that i can reciprocate being loved better. i want to be present with my friends, and able to have real social battery, not the half-forced laughs because i want to be able to smile with them. i want to be able to derive my own happiness from writing and existing and laughing, to prevent codependence on my boyfriend. i want to be happy on my own so i can fill his bucket too. i want to grow and change and flourish so i can share it with others.
i have never wanted to heal so bad and it's uncharted waters and i don't know how. i'm trying, believe me.
apologies for going slowly.
but also, i will take as much time as needed.
just know, i have never wanted more to get better. to take a remedy or a pill and be happy again. i'm trying, i'm trying,
and i'll see you soon.
Happiness looks like
The morning when
I get to wake up
Next to you
Happiness feels like
Your intelligent mind
(Why do I talk so much
Happiness sounds like
When I say things
Purely for that result
Happiness tastes like
120 proof love
Straight from the bottle
Happiness smells like
The warmth of your body
Pressed against mine
With nothing between us
Happiness has a name today
And that name has a place
And that place
Is in my heart
The Forgotten Fantasy of the Friendly Friendless
Some say I'm the friendliest girl they've ever met.
The sweetest person in the world.
I love to spread kindness in person and online.
I'm always surrounded by so many people who know me or know of me.
I know people or know of them, too, but, do I truly have a friend?
For 24 years, 11 months, and 2 days, I've been a friendly person, but my only true friends are my parents, my siblings, and God. I tell myself that I don't need anyone else, but deep down, there's a longing.
Two has always been my favorite number. Perhaps, it's the whisper of a forgotten fantasy.
My fantasy doesn't have to be romantic at all (though I'm not opposed to that type of friendship possibly manifesting eventually). At the moment, I simply desire true friends. I know I may be considered 'popular', but that's not what I mean. There are people who like my posts and follow me on social media. There are folks in several online communities who frequently converse with me. I have acquaintances and individuals around town I see on the regular basis. Like neighbors, we nod and bid each other 'good day'. They tell me how it's a joy to see me, how I'm always so nice and pleasant. Still, there is a distance. A strange distance that makes me feel like I'm a friendly friendless.
You may wonder how it's possible for someone who is so friendly not to actually, you know, have friends. I wonder this myself. I call myself a friend to all, but then don't many say 'a friend to all is a friend to none'? How can this be helped?
My fantasy is for a like-minded someone to reciprocate what I've projected. Someone to chat with about fun things and even deeper subjects. Someone to connect souls with, to pour my heart into and let pour into me. Someone to laugh with and cry with and play with and love. It doesn't have to be every single day. Just someone somewhere who reaches a hand out every now and again...
...or takes hold of the one that's been held out into the void for 24 years, 11 months, and 2 days.
One of Those Things...
The keys on your keyboard that click with each stroke...
That piano you oftentimes graze...
Your steering wheel, trousers, and cellular phone...
The side of your curious face...
Your fork, your spoon, your cup of tea,
Your papers and pencils and such...
Oh, but if I could be one of those things
Your hands ever gracefully touch...
so many emotions inside.
so many feelings rise like the tide.
feelings of hurt, despair, and confusion--
but then comes a very welcome intrusion...
an unction to look at the littlest things
the good little blessings that each day God brings.
the good little reasons I enjoy being me.
there's no other person I rather would be.
I like the way I wear my dark hair in wild and natural waves.
I like the way the sun shines through casting a golden brown shade.
I like my smile, I like my eyes- a deep hazelnut gaze.
I like the way that ever in my head music never ceases to play.
I like my caramel skin, 'tis certainly not blemish-free
I like me with no makeup, makeup is not what I need
I like my moles and spots, and marks, and things, you see.
they all are just a part of me being me.
I like my voice and my imaginative brain
I like my heart that feels joy and pain
I love the spirit that He blessed me with
I love each and every special gift.
I like my long legs and my lanky physique
I like all the things that make me unique
I love all different people all over and through
And, internet stranger, yes. I love you too.
I tryed so hard,
there was no turning back now
but it didn't matter anymore,
They didn't love me,
I couldn't win,
they left me in the ground to rot
you can't jugde me
I did the only thing i could
by the saught
I got caught
I am the dark
young, sad wench
hatred I never meant
how could you treat me so?
but I know
something you couldn’t
I know you wouldn’t
but it still gives me chills
you crawl to me against my will
devised smiles and regret
you won’t let me forget
forget the shaking
forget the aching
the thousands wasted on us
each session I discuss
ways to rid of you, your eyes, your face
this new hell I have to embrace
but there you sit, existence tottering
and I can finally look in your eyes
without mine watering.
Weird History: 14
The 25th Amendment
The 25th Amendment authorizes the vice-president to take over the duties of the president if temporarily incapacitated, or not of sound mind and judgement, which in 1967 was relatively new. There have been only three other times when this has been put in use.
Ronald Regan underwent surgery in 1985 cancerous polyps, and Vice President George H.W. Bush took over the presidency until Regan returned to office.
In 2002, then Vice President Dick Cheney temporarily took over when then President George W. Bush had a colonoscopy that required sedation.
President George W. Bush in 2007 had to undergo the same procedure again, Cheney again took over the Oval Office.
Vice-President Pence was asked to invoke the 25th Ammedment to strip Trump's of his executive powers by the House of Representatives only a few days after the storming of the U.S. Capitol, but Pence refused to do so.
On a side note: George W. Bush is related to two former presidents, his father, George H. W, Bush, and his fourth cousin five-times removed, Franklin Pierce. Barbara Pierce Bush is the only woman in history to be wife of one president, mother to another, and fourth cousin to another.
I Gots Sumptin To Say
I have never been so discombobulated in all my life as I am right now. What with the pandemic and politics going on, half of which is a bunch of marlatkey. That thingamajig for a TV doesn't tell me anything new; it's the same nincompoops all the time spouting the news. Just once I'd like to hear or see the truth for a change. Maybe.
I get so flummoxed at times listening to one of these dingleberry wanna-be news anchors spitting out a bunch of hogwash and gobbledygook, I almost want to throw a whatchamacallit, you know that, that, oh, I remember now; tantrum. It's just a bunch of poppycock if you ask me. They might have bamboozled a lot of people with their persnickety reporting, but we all know they speak gibberish like nobody's business and the majority of people who listen end up being just like them. I should know. It was my misfortune to be stuck next to a chatty flibbertigibbet during my nightly bus ride home the other day. He couldn't have been more than sixteen, too. I was flabbergasted when the young whippersnapper acted as if he knew all there was to know. I listened politely, nodded my head, then when my stop arrived I practically ran from his still moving lips. I wasn't about to miss my stop and hear him muttering away and let myself lollgag away and waste my personal time. I did the quickest skedaddle off that bus like you have never seen before.
When I finally came home, there were a bunch of people standing around having a regular brouhaha about some doohickey thing that can drive itself these days. I think they call them self-propelled electric cars. Now them things, I wouldn't trust for one second. Whatnot with all the possibilities of saying, "Car, turn left" at such and such a street and end up in a real kerfuffle when the car ends up in a neighbors kitchen, or worse, their bathroom. Talk about being gobsmacked, and can you imagine the look on the owners face?
Anyway, on that day, when I was finally home, I had to face a situation I had put off far too long. I had an unfinished renovation project that had left the laundry room cattywampus; the washer and dryer were unhooked, the walls were unpainted and the sink was disconnected. I wasn't really in the mood for this but I needed to wash a few things I did by hand and afterward, I set up a makeshift set of tenterhooks to hang my clothes up so they could dry. I know, I know, I could use the laundromat three blocks away but I wasn't about to take the time ro whatits ... waste? The time it would take me to get their, wash and dry would take much longer than the time I used and the clothes would be dry in the morning. A quick ironing and they would be ready to wear. I'll do the washer and dryer tomorrow.
That crowd I mentioned, started getting really too loud and things looked like they might get out of hand. So I opened my window and told them to take their shananigans someplace else or I would call the police for the disturbence they were making. That made them quiet down. Of course that was just a bunch of codswallop. I'd never call the police on them, but the mere mention sent them off to someplace else to do their thingamajig. I doubt thay had ideas to canoodle.
They made me laugh a little. What a sight that would be. Half a dozen young men getting suddenly romantic with one another, but who knows? Maybe they will, maybe they won't. Not my concern but that sure would make for an interesting video to put on Youtube.
I need to have something to eat. I know just the thing. Sliced ham, some turkey, bacon, lettuce and a tomato slice on pumpernickel.
Then a shower and the news. Yeah, yeah, I know. It's all fake but I gotta get good lies from some place don't I?