a fine mood
My bad, for being cynical here.
It's just, I've gone so far down this rabbit hole.
I felt kicked to the side before, and you...
Should I trust
The street beneath my shoes is gravelly and it hurts a little
when I step.
I only hear my steps, alone.
I have gone crazy, alone.
I look for answers,
in my headphones, in the leaves on the trees of the neighborhoods I take walks in.
My own eyes, in the mirror.
Maybe my steering wheel can tell me something.
I take deep breaths but this anxious feeling comes back every time.
I cry again while the cars on the road drive by, busy with their own lives.
“Hard Choice, Right?”
you had it.
and your own.
everything was perfect, the drinks were flowing, the spikes were sharp
the test was easy, and you were making them proud.
but, you've lost faith in yourself again, haven't you.
the last medal to your collection is only a few months old but it feels like a lifetime ago.
when you're consistent, you don't know how good you're doing until you stop.
you can't see your own progress.
but now they look at you and they're unsure of when you'll perform again.
"oh, she used to be so good.
she used to have this shine that just pulled you in close,
she used to be so sure of herself."
now she can hardly make eye contact with people in the grocery store.
it's gotten bad.
do they make medals for trying?
“Oh I’m Fine Just a Little Anxious...”
for a while,
you had me thinking,
"did i pass?"
and all the while
you were just Thinking
"silly girl...silly her"
"she'd do anything to please me"
"she thinks i have rules...how cute"
cause you knew the whole time.
and still Did that...
you just Didn't Actually Care.
sitting with your
never wanting to explain yourself.
never wanting to reveal your true identity.
always hiding. always watching.
and now i know
if my stomach hurts
when you walk up to me.
Lemon Lime Clean Energy 16 fluid ounces
It shows up.
It shows up even when you can’t see it.
It shows up through what we do, even when we aren’t aware we’re doing it.
It shows up in our clothes, in our words to other people, in our choices, in our habits.
It shows up in the colors we like and the colors we don’t. It shows up in our brothers and their brothers, too. It shows up in the way we step into the rain without an umbrella and it shows up in the way we jump feet first into the puddle in tall boots.
It shows up with our smirks, our selections of things and how we say hello and the times we choose to say thank you. It shows up even when we don’t. It shows up on the screen and it shows up invisibly. It shows up quietly and it shows up loud. It shows up when you need it to. It shows up.
It shows up.
Reassurance to the Puppy
you get that numb feeling
it slowly sinks in
they don't care, they don't care,
they never did
maybe what they said
maybe a word or an expression on their face
made it seem like they cared
like you did
and you clung to that word so heavily
that you molded it into a sort of strap you could hang from and
roll it around in your hands until it felt smooth
smooth and reassuring
don't worry, they do care
they're just b u s y right now
they're just t i r e d
they're just w o r k i n g
Jamie, it’s what you don’t say
Sometimes, silence is also an answer.
It took me some time to understand this, waiting and waiting and waiting for that time where my "perfect" person would finally realize that they were also in love with me and everything would work out the way I wanted it to in my head.
I was in the middle of a depressive episode when I realized that A) that person I was waiting on to text me was never going to say the words I wanted to hear from them an B) if they ever did, it would be too late. Yes, of course the chemistry was wonderful. Yes, the way that they laugh when they're drunk is adorable. And yes, I would carry a box of heavy books down the stairs for them at night to their car simply because I thought it was ~romantic~. But, as my friend helped me to see, if they cause you more pain than happiness, they aren't worth your time. Period. I know this post is slightly cringy and will be embarrassing for me in about two weeks but right now, if anyone out there needs to read this, I hope it reaches you.
Stop waiting for them.
Cause they aren't sitting by their phone waiting to hear from you.
I'm sorry, but it's the truth.
I know I'm never going to get a text back from you and that's okay.
I just wanted to text you to see how you're doing.
Hear your laugh another time, listen to one of your famous stories
and I don't give the best hugs because you do
and I don't give the best advice because you do
and right now you'd tell me to eat a snack and let it work itself out
I just wonder how, such a beautiful person can be gone
I don't really know how to write a song, I was just hoping
you'd be there tonight to talk about life with me
And I know you didn't mean to leave
but I was just ready to go when we got the news
had to choose but we were miles from you
in bed with all those various machines
But I know you didn't mean to leave
you just got places to be, people to see
Laughing with everyone you meet
They couldn't keep you down, busy with jet plane energy
you've got places to be, people to see
Flight attendant of the century
I'll always see you in my dreams
I know the three of you are laughing like old pals again
And I'll love you from right here, don't forget me
don't forget me, don't forget me
cause I know that you have places to be, people to see
hey J it's time to leave
places to be, people to see
there's other people here visiting
I just wish you'd answer me
when I joke and say your hair looks great
but I got too scared to say it outloud
so I said I love you and I left
knowing that I'm never going to get a text back from you, and that's okay.