For most of my lifeFor most of my life

I thought the phrase "twinkle in one's eye"

Was a crock of shit

A storybook trope

That dupes the rubes holding the novel

Into falling in love alongside the protagonist

I was wrong

There it is

Right in front of me. For just half a second

A spark. A blaze. A hidden cataclysm

You smiled at me

And with it your eyes told me something

That there's more to it

There's more to this

Those bright white eyes.

They never saw me as human

They saw me as a foul beast

So I unleashed my carnage

I hesitated

Because I saw the human

I still do

And he hates me

To this day

His hatred haunts my dreams

I am inhuman

I am a foul beast

Unleasing carnage

On those bright white eyes

My first taste was intrigue. Her short hair left me breathless and hanging on each sentence. The next taste was admiration. Her wit crisp and much sharper than my own. She is my superior.

I rode a wave of vulnerability and exploration that left me on Olympus Mons. Unfortunately, the Mars winds came. Trampled by my own hubris. Years of searching, seeking, and discovering led me to a guess. She was a whisper on the wind.

A guess is fuck all of a metaphor. I was Spirit. Literally crawling, tracking, and screaming at my inner machinations to address the shortcomings of which I laid bare. I squealed my relevance into the atmosphere upon deaf ears.

Time.

It took time before her voice carried across the winds again.

A decade passed. Hubris adequately destroyed by administrative sequestration. A cacophony of white noise filled the void until the winds returned. Her voice carried like the quetzal before Spanish conquest.

A voice of hope. Intrigue. Admiration and vulnerability.

I can’t help but feel as if the voice is leading me to happiness.

My life echoes that of my shitty apartment. An aging exterior that has seen a few makeovers. Despite a new paintjob, hints of aging joints and rusty supports lie just beyond the surface.

If I permit one past the front door, a humble abode offers its greeting. Scents of lavender, coconut, and berries chase away the stench of mold permeating through the ancient air-conditioning system.

Another step further leads one into an interrogation room of harsh, unnatural light. Bicycles and exercise equipment laid out as a facade to show others that I attempt to care.

Through the hallway one finds a cramped and dank room tucked away from sight. Clothes are strewn about with camping gear and books that haven't been touched in months.

This is the real me. I'm hiding beyond the corner where no one can see. Disorganized chaos hidden from everyone. A depressing collection of artifacts from a past life.

Everyone loves the warm greetings this apartment can offer, but no one wants to remain here with the real me.

The hums of Christmas duets

Ring across the shop

My gaze shifts across outside across the intersection.

Businessman, laborer,  immigrant, student and junky

Bundled up in hopes to beat the day's icy weather

Vehicle exhaust momentarily clouds the avenue 

So much movement with purpose

An unending hustle and bustle

Not me, I've nowhere to be for a while

I'm huddled in that dark corner again

Arms clinging to my knees

"I don't want this" 

I whisper aloud to no one

I know it's coming

It happens time after time

No matter how good life is

No matter how hard I try

You physically abuse me

Leave me sprawled about 

Weak to the point of sickness

My head screaming with pain

You manipulate me 

Generate fear of life without you

Tell me how good I have it

Spread lies of the fun we have together

In reality

You've fucked my emotions up

I don't know how I'm supposed 

To feel when I don't have you

I don't want you in my life 

I don't want anything to do with you

Yet your presence looms over me

And beckons again 

Tears stain my cheekbones

As I drop my head in my hands

Then I grab you by the neck

And drink away the pain

Yet here again I find you

A bottle of whisky

A cocky attitude

And naught but a smirk 

How far have we gone this time?

Have we chased those close 

To the edges of the earth? 

Have we told them tales 

Of fun and intrigue!

Or have we given them insight 

To the tale we really lead? 

Unique is fulfilling your values only to realize they're bullshit.

Unique is becoming what you love while failing miserably at it.

Unique is doing that you hate while openly choosing that particular path.

Unique is losing a friendship to someone you've loved for ages.

Unique is losing someone you love, despite hating them the entire time.

Unique is finding love in dregs of Earth's depositories.

Unique is hating your favorite habits, but loving them too much to give them up.

Unique is hell is on earth, despite the pleasures they bring.

Unique is heaven on earth, despite the hell it causes.

Unique is how you react.

Unique is life.

Unique is all of us.

Pain

It drives me to you

Gives me this feeling 

This anger

It belongs to you

War

It haunts me

Echoes my sadness

It forces me to look to you

When I weep

I urge you, swap pain and war, and tell me life is different.