H e a l i n g
A year. You’ve come a long way in the past year. But is there really a shortcut to healing? I don’t think so.
You could meditate, yoga, focus on the present, live life consciously and with purpose with your pure intention and the love that’s wanting to burst inside you - come on, you could do all that.
But what happens when the memory washes down on you in an instant?
The memory of the pain - emotionally, mentally, and physically feeling it all at once, hitting you just at the core where it hurts the most.
The fear of feeling all of that again,
of not having the power to stop it,
of not knowing when to stop triggering it,
of not knowing when you are going to value your worth again.
It may not be difficult. But hell it ain’t easy too.
Hearing the same words echo in your head everytime you wake up with a bad dream. A dream that all feels too real, because it’s dreams of your past reality, of your body’s memories, your heart aches.
The harshness of the cold bruises that’s brought you down to your knees and begged God to stop the pain, or to just take your life because you cannot take it anymore.
The bitterness of the hands and the words that slapped you, making you lost sanity in what’s real and what’s not, but to just keep on going because this is where your soul is directing you - even if you want to stand against it.
Because it was all so tiring, and oh so painful.
but you kept on going,
month after month, day after day.
You’re getting there, taking small steps to healing.
And when it hits you like a big rock blocking the road,
remember it’s okay. It’s only been a few months.
surely, no one could recover fully in the span of six months, right?
Remind yourself it’s okay if it still hurts sometimes.
It’s okay if you break down after a peaceful time.
Welcome the feeling. Embrace it, accept it.
And even with the fear crawling up your heart, let it go.
It’s not your present anymore. Look around you.
Look inside you. You’ve made mistakes.
You’ve hurt other people,
and they’ve hurt you too, but don’t let this define you.
It can be hard to find yourself again, after losing so much of you in the process.
It can be hard to believe you’re blossoming into the beautiful lady you are.
It can be hard to accept your truth sometimes.
Cause there will always be voices in your head.
And these are just voices.
Are you sure it’s presently yours?
Your truth is within you. And once you’ve learned to listen to your truth,
and embrace it with love and compassion, deeper and deeper you go…
These wounds won’t matter anymore.
These voices won’t have control over you anymore. They never had.
You won’t have to look in the mirror to believe that you, my love, are beautiful.
So is your truth. And everything that comes with you.
Dear love, why are you so scared to fall?
He's right here to catch you. Always with us.
Always in us.
You are one with the universe.
You are one with God.
Have Faith. Keep the Faith.
The beauty of surrender lies within your soul.
Inside you. Deeper than you can imagine.
Larger than life. Because You are magic.
Remember life moves through you.
And you have the power to its direction.
It's in your hands. In your mind.
In your heart. In every detail of You.
Creation, or Destruction?
Who you are, What you think,
what your heart is -
it's reflecting on your reality.
Constantly. Moving. Collectively.
You affect people.
People affect you.
Stand in your own Power. Remember,
stand in your own Truth.
The others will follow.
Follow your Spirit.
Listen to your heart.
Go where your soul leads you.
Do what your heart says.
Let life flow naturally, Seamlessly.
No efforts at all. It all aligns anyway.
And it's the greatest gift.
To love oneself without the madness
of the generations of harm we have harnessed,
To keep the love alive instead.
Regardless of the fall.
There's beauty in surrendering to Love.
So much more beauty in remembering who we truly are.
No matter the weather, you are one with God.
Look within. Then look deeper still.
Whatever you find,
find peace still.
Whatever you find,
smile. There's love in it.
And it's the ultimate beauty of creation.
I woke up, my heart beating so fast in my chest and not even beginning to fathom what has happened. I remember telling him I loved him and fell asleep. If I’m going to be honest, it took 3 seconds to shake me to the core. I finally understood how they meant when they said he rocked my world - except for sex, of course. That's a different story.
It's been years. And yet, here I am frightened of what it could mean. It was one of those moments when time would seem to freeze and all I see is all of him. Normally, I would look at people’s eyes, expressions, and trying to understand how they feel and what they mean. Even to him. But last night, everything was blurred and it feels like we were looking only into each other’s souls. The look in his eyes - they were exactly the same as they did when we were younger. When I first saw how he really loved me and how true he was for me. And I’m scared, because I don’t know if it was true that we both felt it, or if it was one-sided. I’m even afraid to ask - I don’t think I’m ready for the answers yet. There are mysteries in my head I have yet to solve about us, about our relationship.
The thing is, there was this song that he shared in Social Media. It spoke of a man and a woman who seem to have missed each other and still has that longing. It’s just that they both try to deny the feelings that are arising but unable to refuse it. When I first heard it, I had three options. First option was that he liked the technicals of the song. He’s a musician, by the way. The second option was that he missed someone and he’s been thinking about her. The last option, however, was 80% impossible but I’ve hopes. There’s nothing wrong with hoping, right? Well, I’m thinking that maybe he’s falling in love with me again but he’s trying to refuse the feeling (I know, pretty assuming of me).
I guess I'll just have to sleep earlier tonight. I don't think I can handle any confrontations recently.
The candles I’ve lit are all burned out and I’m still sitting on this lonely chair, trying to reach for your hands that were never coming back. I had thought that it would be possible to have even a part of you back with me even with all that’s happened between us. I’m not a fool anymore, to have you stay with me when your heart longs for another. Fate was a harsh friend. I may have believed at some point that our hearts were destined, but your eyes no longer held the warmth as it had when we were younger. It's so dark here, but I'd prefer to stay than to see you in the light, going further.
f e e l s
I knew what you were thinking,
your eyes said everything.
Did you want me to still be aroused,
when you had your hands on me,
even while making me feel dirty?
What did you want me to feel?
When I didn’t allow myself
to feel, and to touch,
what did you think?
That it was another man’s touch
that I wanted?
What did you want me to feel?
How do you expect me to return your touch
knowing that you’re still thinking of me
as a cheating whore?
Well, what the fuck did you want me to feel?
What you stole from me
I remember our skin pressed together hot at seventeen. Your breath on mine, whispers of wanton lust barely held. I remember long nights in your basement room. Kitchen lights closed, maid walking in on us. We laughed, and you pushed harder. I moan. Like a kitten purring for another stroke, I remember. Lazy days in my bed behind a locked door. Rays of sunrise through the curtains. Your eyes, glowing with passion. I remember the sun bringing your freckles out to play and toasting my skin to your favorite shade of me. Pushed to the wall in a dark alleyway. No one's around. My mouth wrapped on you, sucking, loving how you moan my name. I remember your fingers creeping inside of me playful on train rides to the city. Both a little excited. One weakens, the other strengthens. Your mouth sleepy on my own and your arms pulling me into the cradle of dreams. You were so beautiful. And I remember waking from the dream in a desperate fever. Dead phone lines. Cold, cold eyes. Unanswered letters. Unread voice messages. Lonely sheets. Wet pilows, from tears unstoppable. Hands wanting to reach out, but never finding something to hold on to. It was like how we first started. Sweet. Painful. And bruised love thrown to its knees. The floor its only brace. Once again, left alone. Escape, I found in books. I could stay here. I could go away. You were like the stars, following me wherever I go. Tonight was just another, of many more to bear. Sheets hugging me as I cry myself to sleep. Lost in memories. Lost in the love only you can fill. Hope will find me tomorrow. It's time to try again. The sun rises, the snow drifting in as summer disappeared. I smile. What I lost with you, I'll find within me. I rise.
Still waiting for that final call
Maybe the timing was right
But they haven’t given up without a fight
The stars, were strangely aligned and
The moon, with tears in its eyes,
Adored how their hands held so tight.
The years before them shared beauty
In the calmness and softness of peace,
The tornado of chaos and love that sparks
Faith into the hearts of the doubting
Carried them into the night
The heavens may shower pain,
Hell may burn their feet with longing...
What’s so perfect about them?
Why was destiny determined, to fight
Against the harshness of fate
Just to keep this love alive?
Travelling along the sandy dunes, I found you. Or was it you who found me?
Quite unsure how, really, when I’m in the middle of nowhere.
I tried to take the road less travelled, followed wherever the stars would point,
’cause people say it will get me to where I wanna be.
I got lost, so many times. But you found me again and again, over and over.
An angel, guiding and loving, believing and succeeding.
They tried to warn me, steer me away and to the opposite direction.
Held back, softly whispering how you would ruin my life.
But with them I was so lost. Always lost, with nowhere to go.
My future, I can’t seem to touch.
But with you, baby, flesh and bones, I’d say my future is right in front of me.
You’ve always found me, and I will always look for you.
Before you there was no one else. It’s always been you.
And it will always be you.
P E A R L
Sweet little human showed off her stars for the day
Her teacher told her, “You’re doing okay!”
Prouder and bolder, she was, everyday
A stick of lollipop, and she would not disobey
A little diffferent than the rest of the kids, perhaps
An observer, a ninja, and one who never took naps
Every word, every act, and every learning she grasps
Little sister copied her, and oh boy, she claps!
My baby was bright, crazy, and unique
She makes me smile with just a peek.
Though, every minute she would try to sneak,
A kiss, a hug, and an I love you sure does the trick.
Pearl is her name and joy she brings to my life,
Being her mother truly is a delight. ♡