2:46am

I miss you so much and I’m sorry I don’t always show it. I don’t want you to feel like you’re negatively affecting me. You are the sun in my life, so of course there will be at least a couple of cloudy days. I miss you. Of course I miss you. I feel like something is always missing now, and I know that what I’m always looking for is you. Sometimes I will show that I miss you, like now, but other times I won’t because it will be the dull ache that I always carry with me now. I don’t want you to be mad at yourself because you think that you did this, because you didn’t. And it kills me to think that on top of everything you’re feeling like you’re making me sad, because you are the brightest light I’ve ever had in my life.

-Z

How are you so two sided?

People aren’t coins,

But I’m starting to think you are

I don’t understand

How you have two completely different people inside of you

One that comes out when alone, but disappears the second another person comes around.

Isn’t it tiring?

I just don’t get it

My emotions bleed into every part of my life like watercolors

But you are like a sharpie, drawing straight borders wherever you can.

Just be with me.

-Z

A feeling different than I thought

But still warm and somehow familiar

Fulfilling yet strange

I don’t quite know what I was expecting,

But this was different.

A good different.

-Z

It’s good to finally have someone.

Seen but not heard

Known but ignored

And every time it happens

My heart breaks a little bit more

-Z

Every time I go to stroke your cheek

It vanished under my fingertips

Every time I go to kiss you

Your lips melt away under mine

Every time I go to hug you

I can feel you fading away

Stay solid for me

You have to.

-Z

Hello everyone :) I’m a freshman now, and I’ve grown a lot. Maybe I’ll publish more stuff from time to time. Love you all

I’ve been unraveling

Quickly.

Two years of healing

Gone d

o

w

n

the drain

Like that.

And it’s all gone

Back to the glass prison in my mind

Where all I can do is watch

As my crystal tears hit the ground

And s h a t t e r

~Z

Hey everyone.

So I’m not dead :) but I haven’t been writing because I have improved so much with my mental health. I barely think of suicide. I haven’t had a panic attack in weeks. I’m so freaking happy. And I guess I’m not so good at writing happy stuff and I can only find inspiration in sad stuff? If that makes any sense. Not to say I’ll never write again, but I’m just explaining my absence.

This post will probably go unnoticed, buried by the other prose. But I just wanted to let the people who care know, I’m still here :)

Thank you all so much for staying with me this long,

Z

Kicking and scratching and pounding and hurting

Whenever

The picking the scratching the bleeding the scars

Wherever

Feeling tears, feeling pain feeling the sharp sting feeling the blade

Never.

-Z

I cry without tears

I cut without blood

I stare without seeing

I sleep without closing my eyes

I live without feelings

I talk without speaking

I yell without sound

I exist without being here

I die with my heart still beating

My laugh is ugly

It sounds like a wheezy howl

Sometimes I think it’s cute

Until I laugh too loud

And everyone stares at me

Quickly silencing my joy

I hate that even my happiness

Is ugly

Along with my face

My body

My teeth

My hair

My clothes

Sometimes I look in the mirror

I think I look alright

Then I take a second look

And realize I am the same

Ugly

Face.

-Z