Sometimes I wish for sleep-

The permanent kind-

Until I remember

That that's a sin;

So I take a deep breath

And watch the insomnia set in.

When you said that you loved me I watched the earth stand still. When we spent most of summer together I tasted the difference in the air. When we stayed up all night talking, I knew how happiness felt.

And then one day it changed. Rather, you did.

And you want me to pretend nothing happened. And you want me to still be your friend. And you want me to answer your texts, even after months of horrible silence.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted. I'm sorry I believed you. I'm sorry I trusted you enough to let you in, to tell you things I'd never dared tell anyone else.

And I can go for days without thinking about you. Until something funny happens at work or someone says something stupid at school. And I just want to text you, to tell you, like the way it used to be.

That's when I realise I don't have that freedom anymore. That's when I realise things can't ever be the same. That's when I realise how much I miss you. And how much I hate myself for missing you.

Endless roads

And

Pink sand

And

Small towns

And

Fast cars.

Weary lashes droop

And

Heavy eyes open

And

Parched lips guzzle

And

Resigned mouths set.

Then

Foot presses all the way down

Gas turns into speed

Then

Hands release from wheel

And

We let

Everything spin to black.

Be more

Like your sister and smile

Be more

Like your brother and talk

Be more

Like them, smarter

Be more

Like us, better

Be more

Of yourself, don't imitate

But I cannot

Be myself

And also

Be everyone else

I am never enough

Not for you

Or for him

Or for anyone

The tendency to disappoint is in my veins

And I cannot escape it no matter how I try

I cannot be them and

I cannot be me and

It's beginning to seem that

If I wasn't

Wasn't anything

Things would be okay.

I think to myself t'were I

To die in this bed where I lie,

Things would not be so bad:

Not for you-one less burden, one you care not for

Not for me-one less day till I reach heaven's door.

But I have not the courage the strength nor the will

To take my own life to make my heart still.

And the knife by my bed cannot cut me

And the gun by the drawer cannot pierce me

And the razor in the sink cannot slice me

And the hopes in my head cannot put me

Out of this misery

We all like to call

Life.

My ship is banked

In a desert land

My rudder and stern

Both filled up with sand.

My sails are depleted and drooping and worn

My soul's more than restless-

Without outrigging or compass or the sea-

And my lungs are sucked breathless.

I try to find joy

In this place where I'm stuck

But there's not much to be found

I'm far out of luck.

Tell me do you know

Of a good boat repair man?

He doesn't have to be clever

Just lend me a hand.

Tell me have you heard

Of an unexamined shore?

It doesn't have to be wealthy

Just be room to explore.

Tell me have you heard

Of anything at all?

Anything to save me from this

For without saving, my soul will perish.

There is salt on the table an whipped cream in her hair. It seems so confusing but that's all that's really there. Where the red cup tumbles that's where death will come. It all seems so simple, when it's really just begun. Can you believe that this is happening? Can you yell any more? The crack of ice, hum of machine, "hello" and then silence. Writing on plastic, I suppose it's better than ink on skin. But maybe times are changing, has it really started sinking in? I don't know so you tell me. Maybe that's all I care to see. Help me save these cracked up fingers, made through rusty knives. Maybe it's not too late to save yourselves from lies.

Because sometimes dreams don't come true,

That's why we wish on stars;

Hoping those heavenly bodies can fulfill

Something our hearts cannot.

But what chance have stars

-Who in all their glory

Fail even to touch the Earth-

Of fulfilling our deepest desires,

When we-we who have power to move-

Cannot, though all the land's our medium?