sometimes, all you want to do is project your voice - to let go of all those turmoil inside and yes, you should, you have every right to. but i want you to also to remember to-

listen.

(sometimes, we are too focused on our selves that those people you might think are pushing you down, are just maybe hurting too and want to help)

(maybe... they are not, but you'll never know if you don't stop and listen to their story)

I wrote you while the lights were still dim and the air was dense with quiet. I wrote you dizzy, how first sun falls through trees and rests against early-morning wet in the air. Like the weight of finger prints left on anxious skin. I wrote you as the damp of your words stroking my thoughts with the whispers that make me sleep easy. I let you curl over and around. Dripping, slipping, unwound. And as the sun set, I wrote you into the dreams that leave me aching with the want to wake and breathe from the same place your mouth pulls the oxygen it uses to feed your lungs. I let the ink flourish and bleed into the shape of you. And I wonder if you dot my last ‘i’ cross my last ‘t’ lay yourself down, a period, rather than ellipses, if I could feel content. I wonder if I could stain my insides. Burn you across my rib-cage. Leave you as a masterpiece buried in my bones. Tattooed into my skeleton. I would paint your arms and legs and smile and eyes to match the exact weight of lightness that you fill me with, but my palette lacks the tones of down-blossom feathers and dust motes dancing in sunlight. So I settle for eating you whole. And it’s like swallowing thunder. Deep and satiating. All the thrill of lightning yet missing that violent spark. It’s you as the first drop of rain seeping through my cracked landscape in a drought. It’s me barefaced and stripped raw. I wrote you as closed fists. And you poured over me into open palms.

I am lonely

You are lonely

I am sad

You are sad

You are mine

I am yours

Let’s be together

And fight away

our demons

Let’s start with butterflies

That turn into wasps

Violently swarming

In the pits of our stomachs

With words we can’t take back

Like poison in our veins

Let’s be together

Despite knowing the truth

That we are not

Made for each other

Merely an echo

Of what love could be

Like mockingjays in our heads

And smoke in our eyes

Causing them to water

Yet here we stand

Rubbing away the burn

And gasping for air

Let’s be together

Despite countless

Loveless nights

With many more to come

Disdain flowing

From our eyes

Let’s fill each other’s voids

If only for tonight

And once they are filled

We will claw our way out

Leaving larger voids

For someone else to fill

Let’s be together

And watch time drift away

Because we are both too afraid

To walk away

Let’s be together

Despite how you make me feel

And how I can’t

Make you feel at all

So why are we together

Have we both become so far gone

That we would rather suffer

Than to die alone

We’re toxic for each other

Yet it’s like we feed

Off of the disease

Love is suffering

In so many ways

if you break a writer’s heart

expect to painfully live forever

within the words they’ve written

if you fall in love with a writer

expect your legacy to be a

flowery mess about how beautiful you are

I fade into background,

little drops of molten ash,

timid roots tunneling

in tangled webs

trapping my feet.

I feel red ants

crawling in my lungs.

Flawed words tumble

into my belly,

struggling

to let my panic

escape,

wrapped in feelings

of being born

upside down.

Hidden between walls

I shrink

into black ocean

of shyness.

I feel as if I’m falling,

Forever falling.

There is no up or down,

No darkness, nor light.

There’s just the endless abyss of fog and mist.

And every time I think I’ve finally found solid ground,

It gets torn out from under me.

And then once again I’m falling,

Forever falling.

I’m dying, fading fast

The voltures circling above, they’re closing in.

They can sense it, smell it on me,

The oncoming death.

And I’m still falling,

Forever falling.

Anyone with a giving persona, and a desire to help others, attracts narcissists. You give, they take. It’s a match made in heaven  hell. It‘s at times confusing & dynamic.One of the keys to sanity is understanding that, when it comes to narcissistic love it is a completely different place/situation. Not only was this affecting the person that was in the relationship but, everyone else around that person was being dragged into this tragedy that we so call LOVE or atleast one of the types . You know that type of love that when you truly love someone, whether it’s a person, or even a pet, you can get really angry at them, yet despite the anger, you still feel love for them? That’s healthy unconditional love. It’s not something narcissists are familiar with. A father , a mother, a daughter and even a son could experience this . In this case the father was the narcissistic person while the mother and the children suffered from the naurcissistic love. The mother that was willing to do anything to protect her relationship with the father and her children. Being the oldest daughter getting to visually experience violent scenes, made me feel weak . It made me feel like I could actually feel the pain that was being passed through my mother and on to me . By looking into her eyes, being around her, holding her tight. She was that mother that would cut her veins open just to save her kids . The type that would jump off a bridge for you. She was a kind hearted bitch . The reason I say bitch, is because the anger I had for my father after he violently abused my mom was unconditionally hard to describe. Which made me hate my mother for accepting and going through all that she had gone through, just because of a stupid narcisstic person. A selfish, fake loving, useless, needy, cocky person !! I wanted to knock the fuck out of my father while he was pushing my mother onto the ground. While at the same time I wanted to hate my mother for accepting all of this non-sense in her life for years. But I couldn’t. I wouldn’t . I can’t hate her . I love this kind hearted bitch. As I sat back and lit up all of the letters on fire that I had recieved from him. I had no regrets. Narcissists decides to take advantag of my father this makes him do things even when expectations are not fulfilled, the scene can be a lot like someone swearing at their computer for crashing. It’s not a love based on any core connection, it’s a love based on functionality. The ability to see other people at a deeper level, requires the ability to see ourselves at a deeper level. He didn‘t see him self at a deeper level. Both blinded by this so called narcissistic love. A horrifying prisoned type of love. Insanity in my pulses still pump as my heart races fast and i remember the blood that dripped down your forehead. I close my eyes, blink three times and it’s still not a damn dream . March 30, 2012 Will always be remembered as an unforgettable presence of my fulffiling spirits screaming for independence and self-love. Fuck narcissistic love.

I love the way you look at me.

It's like a dream come true.

Why can't you see that it's just me.

I am always here for you.

I love the way you are & how you make me feel inside.

But when you look at me, in the eyes.

I know that it's all lies.

You lie to me, when you say you love me.

Oh how you stop & stare.

I wish that you were looking right at me, but you really don't seem to care.

I know it's all lies, still I stay & I don't know why.

Probably because I can't live without you.

Without you I will die.

I love the way you lie, though it's not where you wanna be.

But just to be wherever you are, is good enough for me.

You slipped from my hands

like grains of sand

I’m left desolate

with just a hint of you.

A few granules remain

proof you loved me once

just enough grains of reflection

sifted onto my splayed palms.