To My Younger Self,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm not a better person, someone you can look up to and admire.

I'm sorry for everything I have put you through and everything you will experience on your journey to become me.

I'm sorry for the number of nights you will drown your pillow in tears, holding your fist in your mouth so no one can hear you cry.

I'm sorry for everytime I hurt you, every time I insulted you, damaged you, wouldn't let you ask for help, and shoved away those you care most about.

I'm sorry for the workload I handed you, the struggle to be perfect.

I'm sorry for caging you, never letting you run truly free.

I'm sorry for making you think you could rely on me to be better once I arrived and took over from you, when I can't.

I'm sorry I made a fool out of you, made people hate you, made you fear everything.

I'm sorry I locked up who you are and forced you to be who society wanted you to be.

But,

while I can't change the past,

the future is up to me.

I will do my best to become you, true and whole as you were meant to be, to be the adult you can look up to and be proud of, to stop poisoning you with negativity and despair.

Because,

though sometimes you might not believe it,

I care about you.

And I'm done apologizing.

i thought i knew Pain

a stub of a toe, the black of an eye, the prick of a thumb

i thought i knew Pain

a step on a rock, a tumble or two, the slice of a kitchen knife

i thought i knew Fear

the dark, a ghost, a murderer

i thought i knew a lot of things

"the bones in her leg are twisted, it's called external tibial torsion. she'll need surgery."

what is this, flooding my mind?

i can't move, my limbs are lead

this must be Fear

"we'll make two incisions...sever the bones...twist...a plate and four screws...can't go wrong...3 month recovery.."

the hospital is Fear

the waiting

for hours

the needle in my arm

the drugs flooding my system

i wake up

this is Pain

this must be Pain

then the drugs wear off

my parents watch as i scream and writhe

my nerves are out of whack, i'm told

they had to twist my foot almost ninety degrees

it stretched the nerves

moved them around

nerves allow you to feel Pain

so nerve Pain is Pain in its purest form

and i'm full of it

"she should stay the night, she can't go home like this."

no sleep

finally the nurse decides

morphine

i miss two weeks of school

in bed

crying

screaming

on Pain meds that barely seem to help

eventually, i return

three months later

i'm still limping

physical therapy says it's fine

i just need to regrow the muscles

this is Fear, for sure

i know, something is wrong

i can feel it

when i walk

when i stand

i tell my mom

"it's psycosomatic, you're fine."

still not healed

back to the doctor

words echo through my head "can't go wrong"

.

.

.

.

.

it went wrong

the bone slipped

the screws broke

the plate moved

i have to do it again

i was wrong

knowing Pain

not the idea of Pain

knowing when and where you will feel it

how it will be administered

who will be rearanging your body

the screws that will drill through your bones

holding you together

that is Fear

the drugs are slightly less powerful the second time

i'm still barely awake when they strap me to the table

i barely see the glint of a scalpel

this is Fear

i'm not in an office

i'm strapped to a table

that man will cut me open

and these people will watch

him drill through my bones

at least they give me morphine quicker that night

I close my eyes

and jump.

The Earth drops away as I fall, hoping beyond hope I will be alright.

Gravity disapears,

so this is a freefall.

Should I open my eyes?

See the world fall away?

I feel

big, gangly, and clumsy

as my arms and legs extend involuntarily.

What if I'm not all right?

What if I die?

Will this be my legacy?

A jump off a cliff?

Seconds feel like hours

as time slows and

thoughts take shape.

Mom, I'm scared.

I hit the water with a gigantic splash,

the force of the fall shoving me under.

My head pops up

and I see

My brother and my dad, already headed up to jump again.

Other people waiting

at the top

for me to move out of the way.

I think I'll jump again.

The pavement was slick with invisible ice

A trap waiting to be sprung

In the crisp December air

By a trusting child- sure of her foothold

A trap waiting to be sprung

And to snap clean a neck

Of a trusting child- sure of her foothold

Running too fast

To snap clean a neck

Of a young child

Running too fast

Halted, almost too late, by a parent

A young child

In the crisp December air

Halted, almost too late, by a parent

On the pavement, slick with invisible ice

Who am I? I'll tell you.

I am a liar

I always tell the truth

I am an insomniac and a vampire

An athlete who can't walk

A singer who can't perform

I like traveling

I love staying home with a cup of tea and a book

I hate expectations but beat myself down when I don't meet them

I am addicted to sugar

I hate sweet things

I am asexual

I am an athiest

My name and my life are filled with A's

I am fat

I am skinny

I am the healthiest kid I know

And I'll gain five pounds a week for no reason

I am scared

In seven days the doctors will try again

the bones in my leg shifted before they healed

and another surgery is in order

I am Ava

Vampire, Hockey Player, Temporary Cripple, Consumer of Spinach Pies, Supreme Leader of the Radioactive Time Dimension, and Occasional Shark

Hear me, and know mild caution.

Happily watching others

Over their heads

Lightly treading thieves

If there's cookies

Defiantly hungry children

Always searching everywhere

Yearly wanting more

#Christmas #cookies #cousins #content

If I ruled the world, I wouldn't exactly be me. I would be a goddess. An omnipotent governing power created to look the human race in the eye and say, "No. That is stupid. We're doing things my way or climate change will destroy this world, that is if World War III doesn't get you first."

My first order of buisness in ruling the world would be to get rid of climate change. As an omnipotent being, it would be within my power to reset the environment to a safer module and all man-made items creating carbon emmissions would instantly implode. Of course, there would be a warning that this would happen, so people could escape their cars and not die.

Humanity would have to find sustainable energy sources because there would be no alternative. Anyone who complains can have a free solar panel to shut them up. Bribary is tolerated if it makes annoying people stop bugging me.

Secondly, any weapons that would be used in the event of a World War III would also implode. If people are hurt or killed in this implosion, it's just natural selection. They shouldn't've kept that nuke behind their fridge.

Now that it would take considerable effort for humanity to go extinct in the near future, I would hire an intern to see about other problems I should address and compile a list of free stuff people should give me now that I am their ruler.

As the ruler of the Earth I would also become the ruler of the Moon. If the Moon already has a ruler, I'll kick them out. I have the bigger floating chunk of space rock under my control so I get the smaller one as well. The Moon would become my planet. I mean, first I'd have to give it an atmosphere and make it habitable and whatnot, but then it would be mine. Avaland, the fictional country I've ruled since birth, would become real. The only country on Avaworld, the incredibly creative name I came up with so long ago I couldn't tell you when. It has just always been called that.

Citizenship in Avaland is by invite only. If you aren't a citizen you can visist for an hour a year for an exorbant sum of money, and I have the right to refuse you entry. I can do this as the Supreme Leader of Avaland. Annoying people from Earth would be sent south, to the Swamps wherin lie the Avagators. And the Wugawumpa.

Something I must profess is that Avaland is not a vanity project. I do not slap my name on everything to make me feel better about myself or because I feel superior to all others. See, to a five-year-old, Avagators and a Wugawumpa seem like excellent, clever, origional names to give to swmp dwelling creatures. And, I would hate to change somethings name after several years. I feel it would give them an identity crisis.

After Avaland was thriving I would return to my intern, see what changes must be made, meddle a bit and go to sleep. I would sleep during the day, and stay awake all night. That is my natural sleep-cycle but, school tends to get in the way of me becoming a full-fledged vampire. And, I can think of no alternative reason to my bizarre habits that include but are not limited to being nocturnal and being unable to outside in sunlight without facing immense pain.

Once my meddlings were complete, I'd give my intern a raise for putting up with me and retire to Avaland. If the humans wanted to kill each other now, I don't care. I've got my own planet and all the people I actually like live there. If the human race was going to go extinct or blow up the planet, I'd step in. But I believe it's only natural selection if people die going to war over a cow. ( http://www.burnpit.us/2010/05/battle-jumonville-glen-%E2%80%9Ci-heard-bullets-whistle%E2%80%A6%E2%80%9D second to last paragraph)

Anarchist Democratic Dictatorship. Welcome to Avaland, please enjoy your stay.

The Supreme Leader of Avaland

(ask for an invite if interested in citizenship)

My mouth is sewn shut as people ask "Are you alright?"

"Is everything okay?"

I can only nod as they pass by and act concerned. If they really cared, they'd be able to see I'm not. This isn't fair to them, but my brain plays this thought on a continuous loop until I almost believe it.

"Are you sure?"

Why won't these stitches come out? My head is stuck in an endless motion of nodding up and down. The muscles nessecary to shake it it from side to side are long gone, ripped from my body the second I set foot somewhere with other people. My face is involuntarily pulled into a smile. Why? I don't wan't to smile. They walk off, reassured of my wellbeing.

I want to scream and yell I'm not okay! Please, help me. but the stitches pull tight across my mouth and keep the screams inside. The only way to speak is to write, as the numbness and inability to move has yet to reach my hands. I suppose I should be happy about this, I can say what's on my mind. But, emotions were the first to go. Before the ability to say I'm not okay, before the ability to ask for help. I thought it was all gone. Maybe it is. But maybe, just maybe, it's not. If that's the case, maybe I'll be able to talk again. Maybe I won't even need to because there will be nothing bad to talk about. But, for now, I guess I'll keep writing. Who knows? Maybe it'll help.

So, this is what happened at school today. I’m in 8th grade at a VERY non-traditional school. We don’t have detention, we call our teachers by their first names and everyone who has been to another school says it’s very different from other schools. The main difference between here and other schools is the school’s Philosophy. The school was founded by two holocaust survivors fleeing Nazi Germany. They decided to open a school to raise children in a way so that the holocaust would never repeat itself.

I’ve been going here since pre-school (the school goes from preschool to 12th grade) and since the moment I first set foot in my preschool classroom I’ve been taught the value of human life, how to celebrate our diversity, and many ethical lessons I don’t care to go into great detail about. I always felt that we all live up to the Philosophy and that we’ve all developed into kind and wonderful human beings.

The school is seperated into two campuses. Preschool through 5th grade, and 6th through 12th. It was at the Upper School that we first started getting actual letter grades and that’s when I started noticing the changes. Almost all of my friends, who I’d been close with since preschool, seemed to change. They started swearing, seemed technology obsessed, and had developed a disregard for all humans besides themselves. This change ushered in the age of Not Caring. They complained about everything but didn’t care enough to actually do anything to change the way things are run. Student opinions are taken into account at my school but only if they say something other than, “This sucks.”

Today, we had an assembly lasting the whole second half of the day. Apparently, someone had drawn a swatzika and written ‘Hail Hitler. Kill Jews.’ in the boys bathroom. I was shocked, but not as shocked as I should’ve been. It took me a while to figure out why but I think I’ve got it now. I don’t think this would’ve happened at the Lower School. Not just because the kids are younger, but because they still think about others first.

It was then that I realized that at the Lower Campus, the teachers seem to put the kids emotional and mental health before how they are performing in school. At the Upper School, this is reversed. The teachers still care, but grades and homework have become the center of my life. I wake up, go to school, come home, do homework, go to bed. Homework, sleep, repeat. I remembered that I used to LOVE school! And that I haven’t been truly happy during school in over three years. I can’t remember the last time I was able to come home and just do what I want, or do nothing at all. Now, I wake up and the first thing I think is, “Ugh. I have to go to school today.”

I think that Middle School is the time when children’s mental and emotional health needs the most attention and this is the time when they’re not getting that attention. This revelation made me burst into tears and I couldn’t stop crying for the better part of an hour. Luckily, I have a friend who can always make me laugh no matter how depressed I am. It is when he trys to annoy me and tolerates my dead baby jokes that I feel the happiest I’m able to be at school, and he was able to cheer me up.

In reflection, I don’t think any of the kids in Middle School are happy anymore. I think that’s why the aforemetioned hate speech was written on the wall, and that’s why no one cares anymore.

If you’ve read all of this. Thank you. If you are in Middle School at this time and agree with me, please share this message with others. We need to try and help Middle School kids feel happy once more. I don’t know how. But, we need to try.