Ashley had been living at her grandmother's ever since her father had remarried, choosing his new life over her and her mother. Her mom, determined to make ends meet, worked tirelessly as a housekeeper for one of the wealthiest families in town. Thanks to her mother’s hard work, Ashley had been granted a scholarship to attend an elite school, one worlds apart from what she was used to.
That morning, she woke up early, carefully dressed, and packed her bag. She knew she should feel excited, but nervousness twisted in her stomach as she headed out. When she reached the city’s bustling main road, her mind drifted—lost in thoughts of her mom, her grandmother, and the unfamiliar world waiting for her. She stepped forward without noticing a car speeding toward her. The blare of a horn jolted her, and she froze. But the car screeched to a halt just inches away.
Leon, who had been lounging in the back seat, felt the abrupt stop and leaned forward. Seeing her dazed expression, he quickly stepped out of the car and offered a hand. Ashley’s heart pounded as she accepted his help, murmured a thank-you, and hurried toward the school gates, too shaken to look back.
Inside, she was directed to the principal's office, where she listened to an intimidating rundown of the school's high expectations. Every word felt like a weight, but she nodded, determined to make her mother proud. Afterward, a tall girl with a friendly face entered the office.
"Hi, I’m Ruby," she introduced herself with a warm smile. "I’m the class prefect, and I’ll show you around."
Ashley managed a small smile back, feeling a glimmer of hope in the kindness of this new face.
THE MIND’S VIGIL, THE HEART’S RETREAT
Tick-tock, tick-tock—each second, each minute, each hour, I can hear my watch ticking so loudly. Time marches on, indifferent to the chaos within me. Voices surround me, some shattering like glass, others slicing through the air, penetrating deep into my mind. Every word cuts me, a slow and relentless erosion of my spirit, killing a little more inside. Soon enough, I fear I'll become the so-called walking dead, a hollow shell moving through the motions of life.
But there's one thing I forgot to tell you: my mind hears it all, cataloging every slight, every wound, yet my heart… my heart has lost its sense of feeling hurt. It's grown so accustomed to the pain, to the endless cycle of breaking and mending, that it doesn’t even care anymore. The ache that once consumed me has dulled to a numbness, a quiet resignation. So, brain, do your thing—analyze, protect, and distance yourself. My heart has retired, weary from the burden of emotions it can no longer bear.
In this silence, I find a strange comfort, a peace that comes from accepting the inevitable. The tick-tock fades into the background, a reminder that time heals, or perhaps, time simply numbs. Either way, I continue, a soldier of routine, with a mind sharp as ever but a heart that has chosen to rest.
INTRODUCTION: THE WEIGHT OF EMOTIONAL PAIN
Emotional pain is a burden unlike any other. It doesn't leave visible scars or bruises, yet it cuts deeper than any wound. It lingers in the mind, creeping into thoughts, making even the simplest tasks feel insurmountable. Unlike physical pain, where a headache can be soothed with a pill or a broken bone set in a cast, emotional pain festers, often unnoticed by others and, at times, even by ourselves.
Walk into a bar right now, and you'll find a man at the corner nursing a drink, trying to drown the sorrows that cling to his heart. He’s left a family behind, perhaps not physically, but emotionally, because he believes that alcohol is the only remedy for the ache within. But once sober, the pain is still there, gnawing at his soul, unresolved and persistent.
This is the reality for so many—young people with untapped potential, whose lives are cut short by the silent suffering they endure. They’ve been driven to the brink, unseen and unheard, their pain dismissed as just another part of life. As I write this, the song "People" by Libianca plays in my mind, echoing the sentiment of feeling invisible in one’s struggles. She sings of drinking for five days straight, and yet no one noticed. That’s how it feels, to be trapped in emotional pain—you're screaming on the inside, but the world continues on, oblivious.
This book comes from the deepest corners of my heart, a place where emotions and thoughts intertwine, where the perception of people and their pain collide. It’s about understanding the difference between emotional and physical pain, about recognizing that while the two can intersect, they are not the same. Emotional pain is a silent killer, one that drives people to the edge, and sometimes, beyond.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve wished for an escape, prayed for sleep to take me away, or even entertained the thought of a car running me over. It's a darkness that clouds the mind, a constant weight that drags you down. But this isn’t just my story—it’s a shared experience, one that too many of us face alone.
As you read these pages, I invite you to walk with me through the shadows of emotional pain, to explore the depths of despair and the slow, arduous journey to healing. This book isn’t just a collection of words—it’s a testament to the resilience of the human spirit, a reminder that even in our darkest moments, there is a way forward.
RUNNING AWAY FROM MY OWN MIND
Words swirl in my mind, yet they refuse to form anything solid. It’s like I’m in a constant race, always running, never able to stop. Behind me, emotions loom—fear, confusion, anger—closing in like shadows I can’t escape.
"Get out of my mind!" I shout silently, desperate for peace. "I'm done playing your games, done with the lies you whisper."
But they don’t listen. They keep scribbling over the pages of my life, distorting the story I want to tell. One day, they paint it with joy, a picture-perfect happiness; the next, they tear it apart, leaving nothing but chaos in their wake.
Can you just leave me alone? Let me breathe, let me think, let me write my own story, free from your relentless grip. I want to craft a life of my own making, not live a script you’ve written, full of twisted plots and unpredictable turns.
But even as I demand my freedom, I know the truth—they are part of me. These feelings, these thoughts—they’re mine, and they’re not going anywhere. So maybe, instead of running, it’s time to face them. To take back the pen, and write my story, not in spite of them, but with them. Because maybe, just maybe, the story they help me write will be one worth telling.
ILLUMINATING THE UNKNOWN
**Every time I close my eyes, darkness envelops me. It's the same darkness I see when I look up at the sky. Yet, the darkness within me and the darkness above are not the same.
The darkness behind my closed eyes holds my past—echoes of both joy and pain that have shaped who I am. Each shadow and light in my memories weave a complex tapestry of experiences. But the darkness in the sky speaks of my future, where distant stars pierce through the night, their light enduring even against the brilliance of the moon.
In their silent dance, both forms of darkness guide me. My past, with its lessons and legacies, compels me to keep the stars of my future burning bright. The stars remind me that even in the vast expanse of the unknown, there is always a glimmer of hope and possibility, urging me to navigate towards the light while embracing the shadows that have made me who I am.**
A SILENT BETRAYAL
**You treat me like a piece of shit, just a tool for your convenience.
I keep asking if I wasn't enough, if our friendship was merely a facade.
I even lost myself trying to be there for you, pouring out my heart,
Only to discover that I meant nothing to you.
I tried to reach out, to make you listen, but my words were just background noise to you.
Every effort I made felt like an echo in an empty room,
My sincerity drowned out by your indifference.
I gave you my trust and affection,
Only to watch it crumble, like sand slipping through my fingers.
Now, I'm left with the bitter truth—my worth was never acknowledged,
And the silence between us speaks louder than any words ever could.**
THE ABBYS AND THE ANCHOR
I was in a deep sleep, and my dream slipped away,
When focus faded, my days fell into disarray.
I don't want to wait until it’s too late,
For this to become my inevitable fate.
I’m searching for a way to save the day,
But can’t I see I'm in my own mental fray?
Am I plotting my own treason,
Trapped in a prison of my own reason?
Locked up in a cell of self-made despair,
Falling from a ship I can no longer steer.
Each choice seems like a step to the abyss,
A journey of missteps I can't dismiss.
Why can’t I reclaim my lost foundation,
And salvage what's left of my reputation?
Perhaps it's time to break these chains,
To confront the doubts and fears that remain.
I'll seek a path to restore what's been lost,
And find the strength, no matter the cost.
For even in the darkest of night,
There’s always hope to reignite.