I felt everthing changed for me in 2015, when I had a very severe depression, and I have hit the rock bottom, as they say. My worldview shifted; to be honest though, I just had the courage to make a leap towards what my experience has led me and embraced my contradictory nature. It is curious how often the inner events shape us more than the tragedies of our lives, which is the case for me, anyway; the worst moments are the one when suffering arises in you like a gigantic monster surfacing from the bottom of the ocean, a demon whose presence was always unsuspected and repressed.
A hellish descent
I walk upon the surface of a giant frozen lake,
I know it is dangerous to do so but I persist;
What gives me confidence is all that is not fake,
That is why I continue as the light dissipates the mist.
Captivated by the parts where the ice is about to crack,
I am driven there hypnotically, headlong;
I feel in my gut there is no coming back,
Although I am unspeakably strong.
The fall is steep, daunting and welcoming,
And I enter a tunnel full of fire and ice,
Uncertainty and contradictory desires. The spring,
I realize, is painful and will never suffice,
Unless I decompose everything and create a flowing dice.
To me from me
I have never been a fan of advices, though I have found some and they often are contradictory. I believe that is fundamental to listen to your inner voice, which is hindred by your overreactive mind.
So my advice would be to be couragoeus and just do something, try, experiment, which is a very difficult endeavour facilitated by turning off the critical thinking, at least whilst in the middle of writing, as opposed to outlininig, and focusing on the moment. It also helps to remember that you enjoy what you are doing and play the game for the sake of the game, so to speak, without goals and expectations. All of which is more easily said that done, no doubts about it.
Alien and reversed kaleidoscope
I used to think that I am the controller of my destiny and my musings,
And that I am the observant who choses to watch all the reverberant images;
But I feel as I am a terrain which is periodically attacked by savages,
And my eyes are used to give birth to new worlds and flesh-like paintings.
It is complicated to talk about such things, for you always have the sensation that you are following cliches, and you usually do. I believe we suffer because we have some thinking patterns which we use to adjust and make sense out of the reality, and we suffer when they do not serve their purpose very well and lack exactitude.
Our ego is also a construction, as weird as that sounds, and it takes a lot of awareness not to let it control you and cause distress, which sounds more easy than it is. Yet I am convinced that whenever we experience deep suffering, we have to turn our attention within again and find the answer, and also view it as a symptom that our life needs some balance and some changes, and that it is overall beneficial but not bad.