I can't hold out any longer.
I can't make the climb-
I thought I was stronger...
They won't get here in time.
Hopeless, I breathe in.
The sun burns in my eyes.
Lungs like fire- how strange...
Covered in blankets as my body dries.
Hot outside, cold inside, immense pain.
They must have made it in time.
Death Where There is None (A.K.A Anxiety)
I see it in their eyes as they gather around,
casting glances that only give their meaning to me.
This was their grand day, their party, their reputation.
And now I've gone and embarassed them in front of their friends.
The people who are important to them.
They know I can't help it.
But it doesn't matter.
They don't care.
I feel shame.
Again, rising within my chest, the beast has returned.
I feel death begin to encircle my heart, closing its long cold fingers
around what's left of my being. My breathing picks up once again, scattered
and racing as the weight of their stares fold onto my shoulders. They know not
the pressure they impart on my soul.
I run from the room,
my knees buckling
as I go.
After minutes that feel like hours, someone has come for me.
They stand in silence for a moment. I don't look at them, I just breathe.
They sit next to me, and slowly extend a hand. Not at me, but for me. For me
to reach and take hold of. I do. I feel at once grounded. Secure. Validated. They know
what it is to be irrationally afraid. To feel death
where there is none.
A tear of relief falls
onto our hands.
Visions of Red
I do what God tells me to do.
They don't believe that He is my god as well as theirs- they think I have made a god for myself. Or that I take my orders from the devil. But I do not. The devil has no place in my world. And I am more justified in my actions than all of them combined. They kill us because they believe we are monsters. I kill them because God believes they are monsters. And my opinion never enters the matter.
They see our red eyes and say we are demons- they tell their children, raise them in fear and dread. 'If you see the Red Eyes, you don't hesitate, you kill them on sight. Demons, the lot of them.'
They will never understand the fear our children feel at the sight of a 'normal' human being. We are not the monsters.
I feel the open, gnawing hunger inside me- crying out for forbidden satisfaction. No. It's not time yet. There has been no order, no command. So my hunger remains unsatiated. I do not kill for sport.
My only true friend enters the room, and hears the growl of my empty stomach.
I smile at his question. So unknowing. He hasn't been with us long enough to know true hunger. He is human. He will never know.
"Yes," I respond quietly, "I am okay."
He doesn't look convinced, and I think he sees the gaping emptiness held in my eyes. I continue speaking in an attempt to explain the inexplicable.
"You've heard the term 'Mind over matter', yes?"
"It's like that."
The confusion in his eyes has transformed into unease. Of course. I feel the same at times, when I consider the weight of all I have consumed. Maybe their children fear us with good reason. But not this unknowing soul. He knows, he believes what I say. I meant it when I said he was my only true friend.
It's too bad I've just seen him in a vision...