im sorry

I wasn't paying attention

I was just a little tipsy

or maybe

a little

bit

more

that

I guess

one shot turned into

two

and two into four

and I don't know I guess I just found myself in the drivers seat

I thought I could make it

back home

and I swear I didn't mean to

but now you're not breathing

I just wanted to forget

everything

just for a little while

and now you won't forget anything ever again too

you won't live to take another breath

or

remember another memory

or

hear me say

im sorry

im sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Ever since I was a little kid, I have always wondered what happens to you after you die. As I've been taught, is there really a heaven- an afterlife that lasts forever, all based on your doings over a mere hundred years? Through my school years, I've been taught of many different beliefs of what happens after you die. Perhaps you will be reborn again, or you will be judged and suffer the consequences of your wrongdoings in life. Stupid, dumb, mistakes. If I act lazy for a few minutes right now, will I be judged on this by a God in Heaven because of my sin? If I tell a lie, will I be condemned to eternal suffering, or will it be forgiven if I repent?

afterlife.

I am not worried about my death. Death is natural, because if you think about it, living for too long would not be enjoyable. But I am worried about what happens after I die. I make a lot of mistakes. I do many bad things. So my afterlife will likely be filled of sorrow and pain.

Paying for mistakes I've made in this lifetime.

afterlife.

Sometimes, in my head, I have thoughts that perhaps this eighty or so years of my life are just a vacation. Maybe this time spent on earth is just like a field trip, and after, I will go back to where I was before I was born, regardless of whether or not I was a good person or not. I wonder if this would be a good thing or not.

afterlife.

Maybe it would be best not to think about this at all and enjoy my time here. But you need to take risks if you want to live life to the fullest. I want to drink. I want to try to smoke. I want to do all the things that are bad for me, but at the same time, will make me feel good.

sins.

afterlife.

Why live a timid and scared life if we only have one? Will being carefree in this lifetime cost me an afterlife full of horrors and grief and regret?

afterlife.

I am scared because I am not a good person.

Me: Siri, please make me a sandwich.

Siri: I’m sorry, I do not have the condiments.

Me (getting angry): Siri, I command you to make me a sandwich!

Siri: I’m sorry, Elie. I do not have the condiments to make a sandwich.

Me (slams down the phone): Siri, I’m done with you! Make me a sandwich or else!

Siri: Elie, why don’t you make me a sandwich?

*awkward silence*

I was nine years old when I murdered my friend, Nessie.

She had died fast, her body thrashing on the ground. I stared, awestruck. The only sadness I’d felt was when it was over. Destructive me.

I was ten years old when I killed Finley. He died the same way as Nessie, his body thrashing on the ground, squirming. It was a really interesting sight. And I've kept it a secret, because I'm pretty sure no one would have liked to hear that I had killed two of my good friends.

Finley and Nessie are buried together. I didn’t have that much space for them, because they were... well, they were really big. I used a shovel to sink them into the ground, and then I prayed for them.

I did the same thing when I was eleven to my other friend, Feefee. She died the same way, and I began getting bored of killing. I went out to bury Feefee that day, but then, my dad my stepped outside.

“Athena, will you take out the gar-” he’d started to say, then stopped when he saw me. His eyes grew big.

I was dragging Feefee out onto the lawn. My dad’s eyes grew even larger, if that was even possible, and his eyebrows bended over so much that they crossed. He looked ready to choke, and I couldn’t blame him. Dragging something takes a lot of effort.

“What is that your carrying?” He asked, his eyes now bulging out of his head. He closed his eyes. “Oh God, tell me I’m dreaming, tell me this isn’t real.”

He told me I had a lot to explain. And I did, later. I told him about Nessie, Finley, and Feefee.

Nessie, Finley, and Feefee.

In my life, I’ve murdered three.

Fish.

___________________________________________________________________

Yesterday is the past

Today is the present

Forever is a mystery

we should use each day

to the best of our abilities

and use each minute wisely

because there's one thing we can't ever buy

and that thing is time.

Love is love.

Though we call each other rude names

or sometimes fight

or yell at each other over the telephone

know that, no matter what, I will always love you.

Forever.

That’s the meaning of love to me.

A sunflower

is a flower

it has petals

like a flower

it has color

like a flower

it needs sun

like a flower

But what it has

that no other flower has

is the energy

to stay happy

wherever they are

no matter how hard

they work

they try their best

with happiness.

So to whoever is listening,

Be like the sunflower.

The light of the world

the opposite of darkness.

I live

And breathe

inside this pink haven

A place where everything seems possible.

A person

outside of here

groans and moans

So much, I wish I could soothe her pain.

It’s hard

to be strong

for someone else.

But I try.

Because anything’s possible, right?

Right.