As the days become weeks to a month now, I’m still cleaning the destruction from the path you chose. Not a day goes by where I don’t love you but the damage is done so I have to choose me. Left to the animals in a disarray situation of an apartment.. you haven’t give me any choices. It wasnt toxicity that drove you away no it was the healthy in me trying to strive for better myself and in you. It scared you, made you feel uncomfortable knowing you had someone look out for you and take care of you. It scared you, to the point of leaving me for another and leaving us behind. You broke this family, their hearts as well as mine. Was it worth it? To throw Away 4 years of a life we had built together? To discard my feelings and our animals like we were nothing? Yet you say “I love you” as if it’s a magic reset button. I can’t and won’t. I’ll love you from afar in the distance knowing the dangers and trauma you’ve caused. I hope it was worth it. That momentary fleeting high he gave you..

To be in your room, surrounded by the memories of almost 4 years. Surrounded by the love of the three animals we took in and the things we’ve accumulated over the years. In solitude.. no isolation you kept me in for the arms of another. To be told without words I wasn’t enough by the actions you chose but the words say I love you and this is temporarily but all I hear are the lies I chose to breath thinking it was oxygen but was give cyanide instead. You made me feel like I was on an opioid high but was met with the harsh reality check of the crash that followed suite. Addicted to your love like I thought it was my cure but you were the poison in my lungs that I thought would keep me full of breath, you stole like water in my lungs. To be stuck in this apartment surronded by our the aftermath and memories of your choices. To know not just me but Benji,Mila, and Freya have been abandoned is by far the worst pain anyone has given me. what did I do to become a option when all you’ve ever been was my solidified choice. Was that and my love not enough? Was the life we built just for fun? You chose to play with someone’s heart and in the end you left it to dry and rot. What about me? What about the animals? The plans we shared and the goals we aspired to achieve? was it just words with no motion?

was I not good enough?

what did I do to be left with all the responsibility, to pick up the pieces, to live in this alone.

was I ever enough..

you’re the reason I’m following my alcoholic fathers footsteps. You’ve become my reason to drink and the urge to end it all. The straw that broke my back.

In light of the falter and failure of my current relationship, I dreamt of you last night. In the midst of my own personal chaos and hell you came into my mind. Weirdly enough it was a vivid dream, almost felt real.. I came down to Your area and rekindled our relationship, we traveled south and then back to the the bay, felt like I lived days last night and honestly it was the best few days of my life in the last few years despite it being just a dream. Reminded me of what love was supposed to be like. Care, kindness, empathetic, loving, everything. It felt like time had never left our side and you never moved away. When I woke up I had to go back to my heartache and chaotic life again. with the first words I muttered out loud was.. no oh to be a teenager again instead 28 going on 29.

In the course of the last few months I’ve been manipulated, gaslit, neglected, and abandoned by the person who was supposed to have my back. To be coughing up blood begging for care and help I get told “I’ll be there at 1:30AM” since lately work has been > over myself and out animals.. what am I to do? About this apartment? Our storage? The memories, the plans we shared? The animals we call our babies? Was it nothing to you? That would lie to me clear as day to my face over the FaceTime call at 11Pm. I can’t do this anymore, I can’t allow the person I “love” get away with this, I can’t allow myself to be casted aside anymore. I’m done, I’m standing up despite being scared shitless, can’t feel anymore alone than I do now since I have nothing and no one left. What do I have to lose you? You’ve checked out months ago and I was too naive and depressed to see the red flags. I’m the biggest joke.

As the summer transitions in to the cold, so does our hearts the strings once attached one by one becoming brittle from the lack of warmth we use to have. The passion dying, eyes aren’t aligning, the way you coldly leave me in the dark as the sun comes down faster and faster. The distance is killing me. The unknown for tomorrow and knowing only severed strings are what to come breaks me at the thought of it. I feel lost, I feel alone, I feel broken. The worst part of it is you don’t seem to care. Not for some time that is.. so I’ll write and write my pains and experiences here in hope one day you’ll understand. But I know you won’t. This is a new kind of despair one told me about. My only experience is when my parents were absent most my childhood. So maybe it’s a familiar kind of pain just in a new form of someone I love.

my soul tied in a knot to the tail of your ghost, slowly drifting and fading like our Past. Every so often I can feel my soul tugging on my heart south where you are. How I wish I could pull your sheet to me back in my arms. But it seems your soul has sever its connection. now all the remains are lost memories that only seem to be within my own heart and mind. Playing on repeat over and over again, how I wish I could make more. The only true connection left is the Moon, in hopes we share the same glimpse at the same time otherwise it’s just my soul strung out over the west coast. If for a moment I would die happy and give everything just for one more glance into your gorgeous eyes. There’s a terrible longing in my soul to make right for what a young naive dumb boy threw away.. the Love of his life. So I’ll just remain north in colder waters in hopes to share a glance of the moon we used to share.

As I hug this bottle of bourbon to nurse the heartache inside my chest, you’re out there with someone having me worried. Deceit within my head I can’t help but to feel my guts are pouring out upon my lap. I’ll take another sip. I’ve had suspicions of this ghost for some time but to confirm it I had to go to your place of work to be informed you weren’t there. Thoughts haunted me right then and there, it’s a familiar feeling of pain. I know you’re with another, no proof but call it a guy feeling.

Is it true you’re doing well in the midst of your mid twenties, is life all its been cracked up to be in the success of the fruits of your labor? Are you struggling? Are you thriving? I assume the latter of the two which I hope is true. To know one of us made it out and to see you thrive if life for one of us were to succeed I’ll play my role in the failure, the villain on the dry destroyed field on my side. While I try to peek in. While I can’t I’ll use the last of the supplies that were left like a memory and read the receipts from our history. Will not lie I’m struggling through And through, wishing to be on your greener fields to thrive with you.. but I can’t. Instead I’ll listen for the echos of your joy and the love radiating through the hedge that divide us. While your grass is greener on the other side I’ll keep rooting for you to thrive. for that sadly brings me enough to keep on trying.

Every day is starting to blend into one. The nights are spent tirelessly as I can’t fall asleep. Insomnia is a hell of is disease on top of the frustrations of failures and getting no where. I see her and the others and I’m tired of what I see. The he constant comparison the “good ol days” and I’m a wreck. as I see their sails on the sunset coast going in their main voyage I’m stuck here in the bay sinking deep. This life is a toxicity and I can’t help but to feel trapped within my own wreckage. unknowing of what to do next. So I swim as hard as I can with my ship tied to my legs in hopes of reaching the sunset. For more day in hopes of relief. I am my own captain of this ship and I choose to sink and attempt to swim. I’m tirelessly watching as sun the sun passes with the moon. I’m downing in my own sins.

I have my mother's rage,

and my father's ability to walk away. this, I've learned,

is a very lonely combination.

her eyes and his face. Her hands but thicker, the wrinkles on his head and the same grin as hers. The way he stood in silence in the midst of demons and her negligent walk. Their addiction, his depression, with her anxiety. The internal battle of her unfairness and his shortcomings.

the lover he strived to be, and the go getter she sought to show me.

failure of failures.

I am the product of who should have never met.