How you are so much like the ocean. Constant stirring now moments of rest, you crash on my like the sands on a beach pulling my deeper and deeper into your current. As much as you would like to be like a lake calm and silent you can’t be. Not with how you were raised, not how you go about life. I’m trying to be the levy that holds you at bay and secure your waves but you’re constantly crashing into me making no effort other than to destroy my concrete that’s trying to ground you. Deeper and deeper , rougher and rougher do your waves get when I’m trying to save you. From your own storms forming within the heart of your own ocean I can’t save you. You aren’t willing to be saved. You’d rather muster up more power over me with low blows of wind and pain. Hitting me on all my fronts I can’t be saved. Why do we continue this “love” if you arent willing to level your waves with me. This love isn’t what I signed up for. This isn’t who I met two years ago. At what point do I walk to the shore and go inland in search of my calm lake? You’re eyes only see red when I try to stop the push and pull of your vast ways. There isn’t grace, there isn’t love. Just deeper and deeper pain.

love is supposed to be calm and warming all I feel is cold weight.

I passed by your house the other day. I was visiting a couple I’ll be dog sitting for. They happen to live over the hill from the house you once lived in. The childhood memories of what once was, the love created with a view, or the haunting memories of trauma caused on top of that hill. Countless memories of phone calls made there. Countless times I would drive up there to find you gone left with just the ghost of your memories. many times I would sit on the sidewalk down the road hoping you would show but to no avail you weren’t home. I’m terrified of the idea of being near your old home because of the harboring emotions and feelings that never left me. Since you’ve left I’m left with these haunting memories of what love we once shared. And oh to just see you there waiting at the front door excited to see me. Oh how I wish to see you there.

When the thoughts of ending my life I think of blue. Specifically moonlit nights with the hue of blue hitting white. Specifically the fibers in my muscles on my chest tensing so tight I can’t breath. Specifically my body goes numb to the touch when I disassociate into a gaze at at 3AM questioning my life choices, questioning how did it end up like this? Specifically

Romanticizing the idea of wanting the idea of killing myself but I’m too terrified to go through with it. I’m not sure what’s to beautiful about my pain but boy do I love being in it.

it feels like a heavy warm blanket in the shower with the water turned hot, lights off.

Specifically the saddest music you can imagine ever created on 24/7 365 days of the year. And I’m loving every fucking second of it.

oh how I’m in love with the idea of buying a gun and blowing my brains out for the world to see I’m sick and tired of existing I just want it to end honestly. —- the product of two addicts with narcissism. Yes I am the product of distinction that to this day fuels the rage deep inside of me screaming “do it pull the trigger it’ll be easy”, “kill that bottle of whiskey and aim your car straight for that wall no one will mind” or or “smoke those cigarettes if the other two options are too scary take your time kill yourself slowly it’s fine.”

im so tired of being a fuck up failure that’s over emotional or so stressed and anxious.

these ideations shouldn’t be in my head but then again they shouldn’t have started when I was 10.. but man it would be cool to follow through.. I guess. Idk I lost my process on this one.

The fact that it’s been almost ten years since you said yes to me on that beach.. this song envelopes some things that I could never find within my own words. These lyrics still cut deep, I highly suggest you listen while you read to surrender yourself to these emotions and feelings.

always love you HQ.. you

song: Nothing was the same

artist:Hotel Books

lyrics:

I chose to believe every word I was fed

And I thought the coals on my back were a product of the lack you left

When you stepped back and racked your brain for a reason to stay

But you could not seem to formulate any such thought in your head

So you left with nothing more than a reason you kept silent

And my mind would riot, stuck in self-perpetuated mental violence and dreams kept private

The amibition to fix this wishlist of selfish, misfit, realist missions

Contained within a vision of wishful thinking and sinking deep into a new bit of misproportioned emotions

Leaking through a seeping truth, constructed by my need to feel important

When you would look back and think of all the little things you regret

I just wanted you think of me when you'd think back to all the things you regret

I spent so much time convincing myself that the rest of this mess that I stressed

Within this relationship was a product of the world's oppressions

Not my deep desire to be needed

And it's hard to admit, but I guess I've come to terms with the fact that I just want to be needed

And I convinced myself that I needed to be needed

And if that was true, I would still be smiling like you still today, but for different reasons

I chose to dismiss the possible instance that the lips I love to kiss could form the words "goodbye"

And it was a simple lie, but I told it to you, like the captain of a sinking ship

Choosing to believe the bottom of the ocean was a better source of oxygen

It's so nice and I still chose to believe, I misinterpreted your dialect and everything you said about it

Your diction and diatribe, posture, body language, and connotations all pointing in the same direction

The selection of contingent messages postponed until further notice

Because I was ashamed to admit the problem and pretend your happiness came from me and that your happiness was important

But we aborted the sordid truths we once distorted when I saw the shape of your dress when you wore it

And that was enough until it wasn't

And that's when you finally felt supported

So the others courted you and you mentally recorded and endorsed

The force perform, of compliments you received came in

And you felt empowered enough to take your final bow

And find love within the arms of another, instead of this heart of mine

And that's fine, because I would do the same and I would leave me

Not because I'm useless and not because I'm broken

Not because I'm sad and not because I'm worthless

But because I saw value in your smile and not in your values

And I'm sorry and I love you

And that's why I can finally sleep at night

Because you are free and you can thrive

And I'm just happy I got to be a part of your life

I'm just happy I got to be a part of the journey that you call your life

And I finally feel fine, 'cause I spent so long trying to change you

Not realizing I was the one who needed to change

I was selfish to assume you loved me more than you loved yourself

Even though I never felt the same

And there's so many things that my selfishness tried to take away

But you were the one that was the hardest to watch walk away

But thank you for letting me be a part of everything you were building and creating

And finding truth in life and you were relating so much beauty

And I love you and I'm sorry

Thank you for letting me be a part of your journey

Thank you for letting me be me

And thank you for setting me free

And showing me love

Showing me love in its full capacity.

It seems the thought of you still haunts me to my core. In a good yet terrifying way.. you’re in town and there’s nothing more I want than to see you. Despite our partners.. it’s terrible. Knowing you’re in town breaks my heart because I know you’re passing places we Have history with. What would happen if we saw each other face to face? Would time stop and the world disappear? I feel reality would slip away if I had the chance to see you again. I know I’m terrible for wanting to see you but from time to time you’re all that I crave. So many dreams with me waking up in tears knowing you’re sleeping so far away.. but now.. now you’re near and there’s nothing more than I want to come see you. I don’t care if it’s a glance for a split second for a whole day I can see you. I had to block you after our last conversation because I thought you were disgusted by the idea of me talking to you.. or maybe it was respect of him? Who knows but you.. God what I’d do to just be in your presence once more. To see the smile your eyes give when you enter a room. To breath the same air as you. I’d do anything for you and you know that. My heart is still tangled In your fingers.

I had a dream last night, one of us when we were much younger. It wasn't one of those where it was wild and random. No it was reliving a memory well multiple in fact. From when I asked you to be my forever to our first encounter of our lips meeting. From my first words to you to our last time seeing each other in person. I know it was a hard ride in the end but everyday i'm grateful it happened. I know it could have been smoother and relaxed and end in a happy ending where we were to be betrothed ... but life isn't that simple. I think one of my lives biggest regrets was losing you and i'll have to move on forward without you knowing I lost the love of my life and settle for less. I'm glad you found love, hopefully love you deserve and not what you think you deserve. I hope you find your peace, I hope you find what you're looking for. I hope you can look back on what was and still think of the good and bad.

You'd think almost a decade later and i'd be past us but I don't think you know how much you still have a hold onto my heart but I finally understand more. As we grow older. I just hope one day I can meet the man you married and tell him thank you for loving you, for making you feel whole. For taking on what I couldn't ... In the next life i'll always find you..

Goodbye.

What causes us to pursue happiness. Is it the chemicals in our brain that tell us this is right? Is it what we see on social media, media in general saying you need this to feel full and live a full life? What if you find fullness in sadness? Is that such a weird concept that’s taboo for the norms we call existing on this rock in space? As much as I love being happy I’m finding it harder and harder to achieve and strive for “happiness”. Unfortunately my life so far as an almost 27 year old consisted of nothing but glimpses and pockets of what you and I call happiness. So I get what all the hype is, but why is it I find comfort in my depression, in my lonely nights spent drifting aimlessly in the pain of past mistakes and regret. That I feel utter comfort in my discomfort. Why is it I feel it’s easier to default into the madness than the logic at this point. Why do I smoke cigarette? to get the chemical high it brings or the knowing action that I’m poisoning myself. that the discomfort brings ironically joy.

am I just reliving my emo days of highschool? Or was younger me onto something? I wonder.

Lately as the earth shifts it’s axis and we drift into the coldness and darkness I think of you. Maybe the sheer darkness reminds me of pain and heartache I went through after you walked out.

I dreamt of you a few times this month, couple of random, a few vivid, and a few realistic. I guess it will be the closest I’ll ever get to being near you.. oh how I miss holding you in my arms, how our hands didn’t match in size yet fit so perfectly. The way you would rest your head in the small of my neck. I miss that.

even if we could be together again I don’t know if it would even work anymore. It’s been so long since we last talked let alone see each other. Are we still the same? Are we grown? Did we change.? I wonder. I wonder so often whats changed about you. Do you still stay up reading late? Do you still love purple? Do you enjoy eating popcorn the way you used to? Do you stay up late still? Do you think we could meet? what Id do just to see you . I miss you

Like the title it’s pretty self explanatory.. the girl I’ve written so much about over the years got married in recent months. although we had both moved on I can’t help but to be lost? It’s as if a huge part of me was just casted away into the deepest abyss. lost and never to be found again. i miss it .. her I miss her. Even though I have found new love I don’t think anyone can replace her.. I do love the new love but the love that once was is well words describe, can’t be measured. I find my self hoping to see what once was in new love to see old love..

at the end of the day I’m happy for first love truly it’s all I could want for her, her happiness first and foremost.. just hope she truly is happy.. I occasionally see the posts and want to scream she doesn’t love him.. well I guess news flash she’s married to him.. and I’m still in the same space just with someone new passing time in hopes of anew with you… god I just miss you. But I’m happy for you.. and I’ll always love you..

goodbye A.. hope you will do great things, see amazing places. Faste amazing tastes it all.. I just hope he truly is the one for you like you are for me.. love always

E

If I could choose, I’d always choose you. But tonight I learned I choose me. Back and forth to the pull of the tides I choose neither the push or pull that is your gravity. I choose to be a post in the sand at a standstill between love and the chase that is you. I choose me. I choose to stand and reflect on what once was and no longer is but could still be. But I’ll stand here in your motion to disrupt your never ending pull. Dull to the bones I’m numb, I’m flushed, I’m currently in the contemplation of my life where I take it back. Not that you took it.. I just gave it.

Scared with barnacles and the harshness of the salt water continues to obliterate me little by little but I’m still standing. The deep ness of your depths tempt me to plunge but I will not succumb to you until you calm the waves and part like the Red Sea. I’ve found my worth, have you? Because I see it in all of its glory.

I wish to partake in the depths and fathoms of your soul. I just need to know are you ready for this dive? I wish for us to thrive with out baggage and big knives dig deep into our lungs. For darling we’ve been drowning in your depths.. and I wish to float. Yet I’m here at the coast standing in your waves. Will you let me in? Will you allow me to part you, hold the weight of your oceans deep within me? You wanted to see if I could wristband but you didn’t trust me. So let me. Carry the weight of our sins.

Until then.

I’ll wait at your shore, scared, broken, healed, informed. On the needs of your love.