You taught me what pure love was, what the Definition of vulnerability, for me to learn what true love could potentially be, for me to be the lesson of what love shouldn’t be. I learned what it meant to lose the most important person in the world to me felt for the first time. I’m sorry to have to make you go through that life lesson, I did this. I lost something so good for me.

you taught me what it meant to live life unapologetically, I taught you what the meaning of pure love, though it wasn’t enough because no one taught you how to hold onto something good for you so you return the love with betrayal and I learned the lesson of lies, decide, abandonment, true betrayal.

i learned what it was like to hurt and be hurt, despite showing my heart fully both times.. never again will I let it be free. I’ll cage it tightly for it only gets me hurt regardless my fault or not.

I’ll use these lessons and move forward, unapologetically me, cold, burnt, jaded.

The loneliness has caught up the back of my chest, faltering my emotions and integrity as a person, as a man. I feel myself falling through the cracks again without a safety net to catch me, the thoughts of ideation are prominent more than ever, hurt abandoned, casted aside, no guidance, alone. I cling to the memories of pain because they are all I have left of anything remotely good. Haven’t felt more alone than I do now ever. I gave my heart to many to be rejected or casted aside left to rot alone I can’t keep going on anymore. This is my cry for help, this is my resonating thoughts and feelings, 2025 is just a constant state of feeling dread and fear of the unknown and what was. I long for freedom of my mind and to be loved again. but now I find myself disgusted by the thought of it. I feel like no one’s worthy it yet I crave it most.

i just need some sleep..

Cold response, no substance, I’m in starvation for I lack you. The craving of your sweetness is a passing memory from a yesterday. All I have left is the sour and bad taste of the present and lack of presences you have for me.

wish I wasn’t alone anymore when you live your life with him. The dream I desperately held onto as if my life depended on it.

why is it when I fall in love I’m always the one sad the the other ends up happy in the arms of another

im touch deprived, emotionally drained, heart gouged out of my chest still pulsing only, no one holds it. it was dragged away years ago.

First night alone with the remaining parts of you and the family we created. One last night with our baby girl and I can’t but to feel homesick. I didn’t want this, I didn’t want to lose you, to lose the cat and soon our second dog. And above all lose you. but you made your bed and I have to sleep in the one I had to find on my own with out you, as you sleep next to our cat and him are you happy? Was it worth the eviction? The loss of our family and the life we made? I feel home sick and sick to my stomach, even though I know this has been a long time coming. Just didn’t want to accept the changes or the loss of you all. But I’ll carry on with this broken heart with lessons learned, while I father our boy in hopes for the better. I hope mila is loved unconditionally by you two, I hope Freya ends up in a good home where ever she goes I hope I have the strength and the ability to preserver for Benji. I hope you find your peace and happiness you always wanted. I hope I can find happiness one day and to figure out my path in life. As our chapter closes regrettably.., I hope we all find peace and love one day. and the love we all deserve.. I hope for better days for you all. I just hope..

As the days become weeks to a month now, I’m still cleaning the destruction from the path you chose. Not a day goes by where I don’t love you but the damage is done so I have to choose me. Left to the animals in a disarray situation of an apartment.. you haven’t give me any choices. It wasnt toxicity that drove you away no it was the healthy in me trying to strive for better myself and in you. It scared you, made you feel uncomfortable knowing you had someone look out for you and take care of you. It scared you, to the point of leaving me for another and leaving us behind. You broke this family, their hearts as well as mine. Was it worth it? To throw Away 4 years of a life we had built together? To discard my feelings and our animals like we were nothing? Yet you say “I love you” as if it’s a magic reset button. I can’t and won’t. I’ll love you from afar in the distance knowing the dangers and trauma you’ve caused. I hope it was worth it. That momentary fleeting high he gave you..

To be in your room, surrounded by the memories of almost 4 years. Surrounded by the love of the three animals we took in and the things we’ve accumulated over the years. In solitude.. no isolation you kept me in for the arms of another. To be told without words I wasn’t enough by the actions you chose but the words say I love you and this is temporarily but all I hear are the lies I chose to breath thinking it was oxygen but was give cyanide instead. You made me feel like I was on an opioid high but was met with the harsh reality check of the crash that followed suite. Addicted to your love like I thought it was my cure but you were the poison in my lungs that I thought would keep me full of breath, you stole like water in my lungs. To be stuck in this apartment surronded by our the aftermath and memories of your choices. To know not just me but Benji,Mila, and Freya have been abandoned is by far the worst pain anyone has given me. what did I do to become a option when all you’ve ever been was my solidified choice. Was that and my love not enough? Was the life we built just for fun? You chose to play with someone’s heart and in the end you left it to dry and rot. What about me? What about the animals? The plans we shared and the goals we aspired to achieve? was it just words with no motion?

was I not good enough?

what did I do to be left with all the responsibility, to pick up the pieces, to live in this alone.

was I ever enough..

you’re the reason I’m following my alcoholic fathers footsteps. You’ve become my reason to drink and the urge to end it all. The straw that broke my back.

In light of the falter and failure of my current relationship, I dreamt of you last night. In the midst of my own personal chaos and hell you came into my mind. Weirdly enough it was a vivid dream, almost felt real.. I came down to Your area and rekindled our relationship, we traveled south and then back to the the bay, felt like I lived days last night and honestly it was the best few days of my life in the last few years despite it being just a dream. Reminded me of what love was supposed to be like. Care, kindness, empathetic, loving, everything. It felt like time had never left our side and you never moved away. When I woke up I had to go back to my heartache and chaotic life again. with the first words I muttered out loud was.. no oh to be a teenager again instead 28 going on 29.

In the course of the last few months I’ve been manipulated, gaslit, neglected, and abandoned by the person who was supposed to have my back. To be coughing up blood begging for care and help I get told “I’ll be there at 1:30AM” since lately work has been > over myself and out animals.. what am I to do? About this apartment? Our storage? The memories, the plans we shared? The animals we call our babies? Was it nothing to you? That would lie to me clear as day to my face over the FaceTime call at 11Pm. I can’t do this anymore, I can’t allow the person I “love” get away with this, I can’t allow myself to be casted aside anymore. I’m done, I’m standing up despite being scared shitless, can’t feel anymore alone than I do now since I have nothing and no one left. What do I have to lose you? You’ve checked out months ago and I was too naive and depressed to see the red flags. I’m the biggest joke.

As the summer transitions in to the cold, so does our hearts the strings once attached one by one becoming brittle from the lack of warmth we use to have. The passion dying, eyes aren’t aligning, the way you coldly leave me in the dark as the sun comes down faster and faster. The distance is killing me. The unknown for tomorrow and knowing only severed strings are what to come breaks me at the thought of it. I feel lost, I feel alone, I feel broken. The worst part of it is you don’t seem to care. Not for some time that is.. so I’ll write and write my pains and experiences here in hope one day you’ll understand. But I know you won’t. This is a new kind of despair one told me about. My only experience is when my parents were absent most my childhood. So maybe it’s a familiar kind of pain just in a new form of someone I love.

my soul tied in a knot to the tail of your ghost, slowly drifting and fading like our Past. Every so often I can feel my soul tugging on my heart south where you are. How I wish I could pull your sheet to me back in my arms. But it seems your soul has sever its connection. now all the remains are lost memories that only seem to be within my own heart and mind. Playing on repeat over and over again, how I wish I could make more. The only true connection left is the Moon, in hopes we share the same glimpse at the same time otherwise it’s just my soul strung out over the west coast. If for a moment I would die happy and give everything just for one more glance into your gorgeous eyes. There’s a terrible longing in my soul to make right for what a young naive dumb boy threw away.. the Love of his life. So I’ll just remain north in colder waters in hopes to share a glance of the moon we used to share.