I wish someone was here tell me everything’s gonna be alright

I could use a hug and unconditional love

I don’t know if the way I’m going is right

I don’t know if the path I’m following is to the darkness or light

I wish I had someone to hold my hand

And to patch up my skinned elbows and knees

But it’s just me

It’s just me here alone

In this house and on this road

I no longer think true love is near

It’s just me, myself and fear

It makes me sad but it also makes me strong

It’s a life long lesson about tying knots and hanging on

I thought no man was an island but I feel like one

Untethered and independent

Living out this isolating sentence

It’s just me in the bed again tonight

Telling myself everything’s gonna be alright

First, let me say that I am hesitant to post this because I am aware of how it sounds. However, I am doing it because as you will read below, we all have choices. No worries if it is not for you. The who, this is meant for is not my concern. I'm just here to share a message, do with that what you will. I am posting it here because posting it here is what I'm guided to do.

"...A few days ago something was revealed to me. A "new" spiritual element I’ll call it was presented to me for learning. I have heard of the quantum realm in terms of quantum mechanics and studied it on a very superficial and novice level. I am familiar with the wave and the particular and the double slit experiment, and the multiverse, but I had not explored this regarding timelines.

We are all jumping timelines all the time on both a collective and individual basis Timelines are choices. Most of the timeline jumping we do are small variations. Going back to the multiverse for a second, a universe exists where I never wrote this journal entry at all. Maybe in that one, I ignored the call to write and went to the gym or decided to work today. There is a universe for every decision I can make. Small free-will decisions are small jumps. Quantum jumps happen when creating big shifts by making big choices. My decision to stop doing massage and close my shop that day in 2017 was a quantum leap. I believe that will in some way connect me to the solar eclipse happening on April 8th, based on the astrology of seven years ago and today. One cycle is ending and this is the beginning of another.

Presently I, and presumably the collective, are standing at a crossroads of timelines. The crossroad is a major opportunity to make a quantum leap. Anyone can take advantage of this opportunity to make whatever change is desired! We have the next 15 days to plant the seeds!

The solar eclipse is happening at 12:40 and 53 seconds. 1+5 =6. 1+2+4+0+5+3=15, (and 1+5=6)! The Google machine had this to say about angel number 6: “…balance, duty – putting in the work and remembering what is important…”

I believe today that I am being called to do this (or these very things). Today I am being called not to my daily routine, but to re-evaluate what I do for my daily routine, my daily life in every way and to share this information with anyone that may be called to it. Could I be crazy? Sure, anything is possible, but I’d rather not take the risk of over-simplifying whatever I am feeling today by calling it crazy… so here I am, and here it is.

The question is what do we want, collective? What do I want? Where is my soul calling me to go? Where am I being led? Now is the spiritual spring! Now is the time for planting everything you want to grow, not just in the short term but big picture thinking, I’m talking months, and years down the line! This is the opportunity to quantum leap!

We have entered a portal that is open until the solar eclipse on April 8th. This is where fate and free will dovetail and magic happens. I wish I could express the magnitude of the energy I am feeling at this moment, but all the words I know are insufficient. I know, I know I sound melodramatic and rambly (not even a word, but that’s what I mean – the words I know are insufficient). Take it or leave, but I must go now and plant some seeds."

Late January and

I feel her call to be seen

So I go to the park to walk down by the stream

I follow the pathway to the forest

Though it’s quiet there is no unrest

Only peace it seems

And though it’s winter now

Cold with the sun hidden behind the clouds

I still see remnants of the fall

Where I played and laughed aloud

Leaves browned by time blow across the snow and

Acorns poke up through ice

That the squirrels never sowed

And as I watch my breath

Escape into dry air from inside my chest

I smile because there is no sadness here

Amazed because I feared the worst

Depression and reminiscing

From the past I’ve been missing

But instead I’m met with this unexpected thing

Feeling filled with promise of the spring

And all that warmth will bring

And as I watch my feet leave imprints in the snow

I’m eager to see the green of the grass and earth that lay below

I imagine the lightness of summer air

Leaving goosebumps on my skin free the bare

And I’m excited for this new beginning

And all there is to do and see and

I feel gratitude to Mother for beckoning me

Mom said yesterday how bad she feels like she has ruined my life or something. I told her that isn't true. I know she didn’t do this on purpose and nothing is her fault, but the truth is that events like these make you see your life differently, it’s unavoidable. I don’t know exactly what I am seeing just yet, the full picture is not clear; I am still waiting for all the dust to settle.

Jim Carrey says that being depressed is your body’s way of telling you to wake up, that it isn’t happy playing the role you have assigned it. What role does my body not want to play? Is it the regular life role, the regular person role? Or is it this new caretaker role?

I miss my routine. I miss being able to focus on myself, on my inner landscapes, on going to the gym. But, also, wasn't I bored with that? Wasn’t that just as unfulfilling?

What do I want? What would make me happy? Sometimes I’m afraid that Claire is right, that there isn’t anything.

I try to do thought experiments to figure out what might happen if I had endless supplies of money. Would that make me happy? What would I do with millions of dollars? I could hire all the contractors to update my house and mom’s house. I could travel the world and see new sites, try new foods, and meet new people. I could spend my days learning from masters and acquiring skills in areas that interest me like playing the piano, meditation, reading cards, and writing. I could go shopping and buy pretty things. I could get the surgeries done that would enhance the way I see myself. Then what?

Are all those just distractions from depression? Is that all life is, depression and distraction from depression? Does genuine happiness exist? Can it be sustained? What is genuine happiness for me?

Everything I know says that happiness comes from within and is a choice we make over and again, it’s not just a one-time thing. I have to continue to choose happiness. If I say I am happy right now those are just words, which the feeling that is inside me does not match up to. How do I match the feeling up to the words?

I want to get there to that genuine place of happiness inside myself that is not based on a person, place, or thing, but I don’t know how. I don’t know what it is or looks like. I don’t know what it means to live that life, but I want to know. What is genuine for me?

I’m in no hurry today

Time waits for me

I’m going to stay in this moment and play

For as long as I feel the need

I know when I leave this bubble

It will burst and be no more

I cannot keep it and preserve it

It’s not meant to be banked or stored

It’s a gift with an expiration date

That’s what makes them unique and rare

It’s our choice and we must take our pick

Pay attention, listen for the one’s that call

Appreciate the moments you can

Both the big and small

I can feel the world around me growing slippery

A structure melting vertigo

Tilting on its axis while gravity evaporates

Dislodging all the pieces of the puzzle like an anti-glue

Dissolving roots

And one day soon

There’ll be nothing left to hold onto

It all will be gone

Eaten by the hungry wormhole of time

And with nothing from the past in which to ground

You’ll find me floating amidst the new

An un unbound object in the vacuum of space

When desire moves the needle

Fear no longer stands a chance.

Confusion can’t hold a candle

To the clarity of the sun.

Upon the horizon will come the dawn

Lighting up their crowns.

The snake charmer

The lion tamer

The stubborn sage

Halts the crusade

Manifesting answers in his cave.

Partners may loath his methods

They are not easy those agree

But this is how he operates

When he prepares to sail a choppy sea.

Those around him only see a straw

That will break the camel’s back.

Only he knows it’s the last log needed

To float the raft.

He saw something missing

Those around him didn’t see

And without that lynchpin in place

The boat could not sail the sea.

The cohort fought him

Certain they had everything they’d need

But he knew the boat should not be launched

That it was not yet worthy.

The foundation wasn’t strong enough

To carry them to abundant shores

And when this realization dawned

Their resistance was no more.

The partners agreed

Only cohesive efforts

Would end their wait

And when the ship was ready

He too would concede

And make fortune their fate.

My heart aches to see your face

I miss the sound of your voice

Our connection

Your embrace

I loved you then

I love you still

Even if our time together has passed

The memories never will

And even if I love you

Too much to stay friends

I’m still sending you

My love like a hug

I walked to the top of a hill to be closer to source

To bath in the warmth nearest the sun

And place my bare feet on the grass

To ground myself in the Earth high above

I closed my eyes and listened to the universe

And was rewarded with a feeling of gratitude

A moment perfectly ordinary

And yet unlike any other

Overcome, I was moved to tears with appreciation

For such a gift

That so often goes totally unnoticed

I have a thought

And I make a wish

I dream a dream that it is mine

I feel the feels

Of fruition

And give my thanks

To the divine