Time is something I ponder quite often:

‘Time is standing still’

‘Time is flying by’

‘There's never enough time’

Time is a construct of our own mind,

it lives within perception;

created to help keep track of what a day is and to separate it from the last.

‘It's a new day’

‘If only yesterday’

‘There's always tomorrow’

But that isn't true, is it?

Tomorrow only exists in your mind. You could walk outside in an hour and get hit by a car on the way to the grocery store. And then people may say, "It's not fair, it was too soon. We wish we had more time."

More time-

as if it's something that can be acquired and bargained for.

I think what people really mean to say is, "I wish I hadn't wasted the time I had."

Time can be a warden of the prison in your mind,

the kind that traps you inside memories,

and the memories trap you inside your pain,

the pain then replays the memories of things you wish you could change;

mistakes you've made,

the people you miss,

and oh, how you will reminisce.

But what if tomorrow doesn't exist?

Take a deep breath.

Inhale. Exhale.

Do you feel it?

Time just is. And you are here. Now.

In this moment.

What will you do with it?

©S.J.Reed

The trouble is..

I think I have time.

‘Someday I will.’.

‘One day soon..’

’Tomorrow is another day.’

These lies I tell myself help

to ease the panic of life

slipping away.

There is no tomorrow

all that exists is today and

what I do in this moment

is all that matters.

The trouble is..

I think I have time.

©S.J.Reed

Written for ‘The trouble is’ challenge.

If I could rewind time,

go back to the beginning of my life and erase the ugly parts,

replace the broken hearts,

press restart,

would I make different choices?

Would I repeat the same mistakes?

If my mother never grew up in a house of abuse,

If she had been built up instead of beaten down,

would she have held her head proud?

Would she make different choices?

Would she repeat the same mistakes?

I can trace the patterns.

I can see the lines upon her face.

Or is it my face I see when

I look into my daughter’s eyes?

She was hurt,

as I was-

as my mother was-

hurt by men

and boys who think

girls are toys

and

the past repeats

again.

©S.J.Reed

I ponder

Do I exist at all?

Do you?

How do we know this to be true?

©S.J.Reed

Delasity is a word of my own creation. Delasity is all that exists beyond our limited understanding or comprehension in this lifetime, as we know it.

I remember sitting outside at night many, many years ago (after eating a healthy dose of “magic” mushrooms) watching the trees sway in the breeze, seeing the many stars in the sky and the moon shining its light and casting its shadows. And I could see the life-the energy-in everything and I was everything, and nothing at the same time.

In that moment, I could feel everything that existed beyond what my eyes could see, and my mind was opened to the immensity of what we do not know or understand. And I knew, even if we could know the answers to all the mysteries surrounding the meaning of life, we could never fully comprehend what those answers would mean within our human minds.

It's just too big, too immense, too boundless and limitless to be contained within our human form.

This is Delasity.

©S.J.Reed

“Will it always be this way?”

I ask you while we are intertwined, naked, close.

The world exists only within these four walls. Time is irrelevant in this moment.

We are gazing into each other’s eyes as if discovering new dimensions. You run your finger up my arm, tracing the marks, intrigued to know more.

I shiver, not because it’s cold, but because I feel electric. You’re looking at me like I’m the only person in the world that exists.

Days go by and we become part of each other’s every day lives. We are intertwined through body, heart, soul, mind. You tell me how much you are amazed by me, and how lucky you are to have found me. I feel this too, when I look at you, I’m in awe. I have a strange sense of remembering you. All my life, you were like a distant memory that could have been a dream or fantasy, or something in-between. Memories carried over with the soul from previous lives. I’m home.

As the weeks go on, the love we have for each other encourages personal growth and we work to achieve it. In the process, we face challenges from our external and internal worlds. We trip and stumble over the triggers we pull. Unhealed wounds resurface to be cleansed. Exposed and open, vulnerability becomes like the ocean..coming in waves. I say things that hurt you, words that don’t always come out the way I mean. The shadow in me that comes out ugly and dark leaves a mark on your heart in a way I wish I could erase and replace with the look in your eyes when we first met. The look of adoration and admiration that only comes with a clean slate. The only feeling that is worse than the self-loathing I feel when I cause you pain is the way you look at me like I’m a stranger; as you withdrawal to become distant and cold. This is your defense mechanism, as I now know. The instinct to pull away, to think the worst. You ask me, “Will it always be this way?”

I flinch. To ask that question in a moment like this, a moment in time when you and I do not align and we aren’t seeing eye to eye..it hurts. And now we both are hurt. And that hurts. Because we don’t like to hurt each other.

As the months go by, we strive to do better. We air our grievances in a constructive way that doesn’t leave the other person feeling left out in the cold, alone. (Admittedly, I had to work harder at this than you, but you gave me room to grow.) And you have learned to put your guard down and to not run away. We still trip over ourselves, still get stuck in our own ways, but our love is strong enough to overcome any of these obstacles in our way. Will it always be this way?

As the years go on, our love and respect for each other has carried us through the best and the worst of times. And there have been so many good times, and some really bad times, too. We can look back at where we started and see how much we’ve grown and how much we’ve overcome. And how much we have changed. We have learned that life won’t always be this way, you won’t always be this way, and neither will I. We have fallen in and out of love with each other many times- with many different versions of who we were, who we are, and who we will be. Because, you see, love is a choice. And every day of my life, I have chosen to love you, as you have loved me.

Through times of doubt, struggle, pain, anger, sorrow-

and in times of laughter, happiness, joy, peace; in times of depression and times of grief, through times of madness and times of relief, through different dimensions, and spiritual planes, and moments frozen in time that only you and I can explain;

will it always be this way? The answer I know, is no. No it will not and that’s okay because we are not stagnant we cannot stay

Here

As we are. We will grow together and we will grow apart, fall apart, unraveling we will come apart and at times question if maybe it was better at the start

But

I know in my heart, we will never be too far apart. And just as we pull away we will find a way back to move forward.

You are the person meant for me,

And I for you, and through all the chaos that’s ensued I know

This one thing to be true,

When you look into my eyes,

I still feel butterflies.

©S.J.Reed

Life is a journey of discovery. If you aren't learning, then you aren't growing, and if you aren't growing, you aren't living.

Life teaches you lessons- some very tough lessons. Sometimes, to wake you up and cause you to grow, life will kick you where it hurts and tell you to get uncomfortable.

Sometimes you have to lose in order to gain.

You lose the ones you love; you lose your belongings; you lose yourself.

Then, you have a choice. There’s always a choice.

You can choose to give up. You can choose to give in and allow life to fail you in the only test that you have ever taken that truly matters.

Or, you can choose to learn; grow; adapt; change. You can become stronger and take the lessons for what they are- stepping stones. No one else can learn your lessons for you.

Not everyone will have the strength; the will;

the persistence to rise above.

And to the ones that choose enlightenment over complacency; you are on a path of healing; of growth; of wonder. Remain steadfast and do not turn around! For you don’t want to miss what’s yet to be.

©S.J.Reed

Barren; open; still

Empty;

Heavy like the weight upon the snow covered ground;

waiting still for better days.

Winter feels

Silent; isolated; alone

Violent like the cold;

and Death will certainly collect what’s owed.

Winter is

renewal; resurrection; rebirth

Beauty like the awe new life brings;

and promise that soon will come the Spring.

©S.J.Reed

Spiral downward into my world beneath the surface

Dig deeper and you’ll see my soul

Barren and old

Weary and cold

And already sold

So you see, I only care about the money

And not the world in which my greed is causing suffering

Of the Earth

And it’s people.

And I’ll be sent into a downward spiral if you try to tell me we are equal.

It would be unwise

My mind is closed and so are my eyes.

©S.J.Reed

Map me out a plan for the rest of my life,

tell me who I am

And where I stand

for I’m too weary to pretend.

I’m wiser now, I know

the lesson clear

I will always lack control.

Some days, I feel the waves of energy pick me up

And pull me out to sea,

I’m holding restraint

And it’s choking me,

I’m holding restraint,

And it’s drowning me.

And as I sink between the vibrational ocean of content,

And the proverbial atmosphere of regret,

I reach for my map to show me the way,

but the words have all blurred and washed away.

©S.J.Reed