I longed to fly above the clouds

Soaring through the crisp clear air

I longed to twist through ocean depths

Fraternising with mysterious creatures there

I longed to shrink myself so small

That the blades of grass were skyscrapers

But all my dreams came crashing down

When I learnt this was not to be

Shaken violently out of my reverie

Trapped in this body for eternity

A misty wisp of essence-

An echo of my yesterday

Never will I leap through the stars

Slide down asteroids till I land on Mars

Here I stay, crouched down below

Gazing at wonders I long to know

Now I am nothing,

Just cursed to be

Myself until

Infinity

Hello, my name is genius

That’s all anyone seems to call me

The stupidest thing is I’m not even one

’Cause a genius knows stupidest isn’t a word- wait, it is!

but it hurts when people think my only talent is balancing chemical equations, it hurts that no one seems to think there might be more to me than just my analytical prowess but when one uses words like those it’s a large hairy mole on your face, so fascinating you can’t look away but as to whose face it’s on you’ll never know

I shouldn’t be complaining about my gifts for what could they be if not blessing after blessing

But if I was dumb I wouldn’t have figured out why the tension in my house is like a loaded slingshot

Being average might be easy, because then my first layer couldn’t be named and people would have to peel it away to see what’s inside like the way I put everyone else before me before I remember that I too exist but wishes will be wishes and dreams will be dreams

My parents always worry about me getting a boyfriend which I find ridiculous- if I’m really such a know-it-all who’d notice my snarkily painful humour or my slightly pretty eyes

People like putting everything into boxes and when they realise that something’s shape is too odd to fit they squish it till it does, with their squares and linear thought processes my scribbly whirls and spirals and loopety-loops that make thinking riding the Great White Shark at Six Flags just don’t compute

So sometimes I try thinking in squares, the shape of a fashion magazine, to become a normal person and the only tell is the strained little cry that escapes me when I say I don’t know but one day I happen to scream while thinking a rollercoaster and the façade crumbles away and they use its pieces to build me a pedestal, higher than the Chrysler building and now I’m going to be Bill Gates the second though I don’t even know what a binary is but when I’m thirty and not a multibillionaire they’ll ask where I went wrong but how can I go wrong if I never started right?

Who am I- to complain, having people surprised when you manage to print your name on top of the worksheet would be a capital insult but no one would tut and sigh when you amount to nothing

But I should shut up children in Africa could be eating my intelligence for dinner so I must suck it up and play the role I’ve been assigned- it’s a damn good one so

Hello, I’m genius

Shall I balance your equations?

I wish the words would flow like they used to

I wish I could do things. And not judge myself

I wish my accidents could be less painful and more humorous

Like it used to be

When you're young you can do anything and not care

At least that's what people think

People hurt people because they have been hurt before in their lives

Bullies have been bullied before

But still

In away, I wish it were not that way

Because there is always a reason

For this pain

And I really want it to go

Far

Leave me alone

Fly through the forest and into the sewer like it has done to me many times before

Burn in flaming heat and disintegrate like my joy

I want it to go

I want the pain to leave me alone

But it won't

It will always be there tugging at my waist

Saying terrible things that make me want to fall and cry until I can't anymore

Scream at how terrible I am until I curl up into a ball on the ground and don't get up

The pain will always be there

It always, always, always, always, always, always, always will be there

It will

It just will

But I will stand up to it

And never break my stance

The scratches on my wrist, ragged but a bit too deliberate

"Just my dog"

Those meaningless nights staring at the ceiling, droplets gracing my cheeks, pinched lips confining a desperate plea

"I slept well"

My throbbing pulse and clenched fists, appreciating curves and waves- no, no, crushing guilt

"Sorry, I zoned out for a bit"

Reading pointless stories with abused words, happy endings for fictional fellows, pretending I could have one too

"I was up studying"

Grinning, laughing, stressed yet a success, tired but fulfilled, a facade of a genius, split second cracks covered up by tape

They call it empty but the gnawing ache is all too much there

Is this what broken looks like?

Clutching the blanket like a madwoman- as a madwoman- crumbling to pieces, dead or dying there's no denying it's all the same

Scotch tape when I need super glue

Drama queen, wallowing in self pity, a perfect life's not good enough for you spoiled brat, abomination, undeserving wretch, too fragile to handle a challenge

Nobody cares when you're a

Fr ea k

F a g

Failure.

For hours, I toil at my armor

Layer upon layer, chunk upon chunk

I don it with pride- nothing can touch me!

But one glance from those eyes, and I am stripped bare

Shivering, exposed, as I stare into your face

Your gaze

can cut

through diamond.

It was always you- no other soul could bring me to tears with a one look

No other soul could make me lose my grace with one smirk

No other soul could have me at their feet with one word

Somehow I’ve gotten myself lost in this labyrinth, twisted and dark, slithering every which way, scrambling into dead ends that echo with your earnest sweet words

I’m searching to see where you’ve laced them with cyanide, but then why are flowers the only thing that I hear?

Your dancing eyes have got me spinning and I just can’t seem to stop

I’m really quite smart, but I sense that there’s something I’m missing when hummingbirds are pecking from inside my chest and my cheeks are blooming carnations and finally, finally, I realise- it’s you

and her, together, I’m watching, and my delicate heart has slipped out of my grasp, splitting into shards of silvery glass and the slivers embed themselves inside, one with my flesh, buried too deep to extract- Each step, each breath pierces through my body and I just can’t go on but I do

Once I got stung by a wasp and my arm was a bursting tomato and I thought I knew pain but now I know it was mercy

I’m caught in a shrieking gale, yanking out fibers of my essence, and I’m so cold, so alone

Waiting for the numbness that comes with frostbite but it never does

Just pinpricks

Wouldn’t it be better if we didn’t have to feel?

My emotions are a cruelty

Your existence a mockery

of what I shouldn’t be saying, shouldn’t be feeling, shouldn’t be thinking, shouldn’t be, shouldn’t, shouldn’t, shouldn’t,

I am

A prisoner to this wretched demon of Hel

And there’s nothing-I-can-do-about-it.

Screw you!

Because no matter what I do: shut my eyes and hide under the covers and pretend I’m asleep just another fantasy I thought up lalala la

I can’t hide forever

So here’s to stupidity!

I love you

But you wouldn’t care.

No, no, no.

Wrong.

I'm just a hypochondriac- trusting internet articles is a foolish move.

Laughable.

And who says my mind is all that smart?

(Forgetting the fact I'm right about people's desires has suddenly become increasingly difficult.)

It's PMS, all these hormones don't let me think and constantly clog up my thoughts even though my underwear was stained yesterday.

(Science goes out the window when I want it to and supports me when I need it to.)

It's just a innate need to be special, I've always had fantasies of grandeur.

(What kind of person asks to be a freak?)

I don't care about logic or truth or facts, I'm right!

Because I said so!

No, no, no, no, no, no, No NO NO-

Yes

The sky crumbles to shards.