Solutions are the quintessence of my father. He doesn’t talk much, but he always comes up with solutions in life. He’s like the ground supporting everyone, even when nobody knows that he’s the one who provides solutions. He said he would rather be the quiet one, who nobody knows, but quietly getting everyone backed up.
I once saw an animated cartoon that an old man dedicated his whole life, planting acorns into the soil of a barren mountain. He was never known to anyone, even after he passed away. But the trees and forest remember him. Generations after generations, all the people and communities of people who settled down among the mountain and forest, enjoying their lives under the trees of the mountain, they never know that once upon a long time ago, there was the old man who spent his whole life planting the seeds, diligently, with just an unseen vision in his head, even though knowing that he may never see it manifesting not even a single day his life time.
Same with my Dad, he’s always the quiet one, but always the one that I know I can trust upon. It was another unexpected rainy day. I didn’t bring a rain coat. But I know for certain, my Dad would show up miraculously with a raincoat. So I waited, like many times before… My friend, the boy who sat next to me in the class also waiting… He asked me “what are you waiting for?” I said “waiting for my Dad to show up with a rain coat”. I asked “what are you waiting for?” he said “waiting for the rain to stop”…
It was bitter and sweet feeling to see that when everybody else waiting for the dreadful situation to pass on in life, but I have something like a miracle in the middle of rainy day that I can always count upon.
Yet, there were times that I actually didn’t need Dad to ride 30 or 40 minutes bicycle ride to come rescuing me. Maybe I did remember to bring a raincoat or some friend offered me one. But Dad would be still diligently showing up waiting for me, some time in the rain for hours, two or three hours… (We didn’t have phone back then.) And when both me and mom got back home, found that Dad’s still not back, and we had to ride bicycle all the way back in the rain to get him, and only to find out that he’s still stubbornly waiting there in the rain… Yet, he’s still quiet, no emotion showing up on his face. It’s just another day in life… nothing changed, nor rain, nor snow, nor windstorm, nothing can change the way how he carries himself.
He seldom smiles. He’s just there, by my sids, whenever I need him. To be able to win his smile, I have to make extra effort and establish something extraordinary, it felt like the biggest award I ever gained in life, whenever I was rewarded with his smile.
Footprints, solid footprints. When I was little, I like to walk upon his footprint. He would be walking in the front, holding his hands behind, and I would be the one staying behind him, mimicking him in the similar manner, the way how he walk and carried himself. He walked deliberately, like an old wise man, me following him behind, like a deliberate little wise man. I still see him in my dreams often… some time even for a fleeting moment, I see the glint memory of him. His steady steps pressing upon the earth, each footprint steadily plant a solid seed of wisdom deeply into the earth… slow, but steady, leaving renounced and remarkable footprint behind. I learned how to be a person like him… I actually wanted to say how to be a man like him. I often picture myself as a man, as a remarkable man like my dad, even though I am not. But I felt if I am, maybe that bonding between us two will be even stronger. But nevertheless, I still learn the wisdom and the essence from him. He sparked my very early interest and passion in seeking knowledge of any trade. I remember those days, I felt like a sponge soaking water and oceans of knowledge tirelessly… books after books… It is always fun no matter where my dad took me to.. whether the real world or the imaginary world… even better in the imaginary world.. in that world, I swam freely like a fish, and soared highly as an eagle..
Singing is something Dad doesn’t do often. Like that he doesn’t speak much, staying mute most of the time, he sings even less. I probably only heard him singing once. Mom always say that Dad can sing really well, the deep mellow voice, carries the vibration miles away… But inside his inner world, his mind must be filled with abundant of joy, colors and music, rich and blissful knowledge of his inner world.. even though he chose not to express it out.
Before Dad reached 6 years old, he never spoke a single word, the whole family thought he was dumb. But one day, he fell on the ground, and hurt himself real bad, he suddenly cried out very loud, and the whole family were shocked.. Aha! you actually are able to make a sound.. but why you were quiet the whole time?
“Cause there’s no need for me to speak, I don’t have anything important to say”… he said.
So plain on the surface, but yet so rich inside. And once such deeply buried gem shines, it glows out so brightly, the whole universe felt lightened up by his inner wisdom… The deeply buried and subdued inner love and warmth brightens my life, my heart, and pierces through the darkest nights in life, and made the unpredictable ever-shifting waters in the ocean of this lifetime easier to navigate throughout my life.
Chapter 4 of “Past Memories”
I shut my locker with a slam. I didn’t intend for any of this to happen. Now things weren’t as smooth, or secure as I thought they would be. Ever since Maven showed up, I hadn’t been able to keep anything to myself. Sometimes I didn’t even have to say anything and he’d just know.
Now, he’d forced himself to walk me home, and take me back to his place. I tried to tell him no, but something inside me was screaming yes the whole time. I guess I really needed a break from my real-world problems. Even my every action had been thrown off balance.
Not to mention Brenda calling me a friend. I didn’t know how I felt about it. I never wanted people to be my friends. After all, look what Maven saw when he got me to open up a little. I rub my forehead as I walk down the hallway. Maybe I needed to start talking. But even then, it would be more lies. Lies to cover up my silence.
Everyone in the school knew I existed. So why not give them some gossip about me?
I picked up the pace towards the front doors. I wanted to get away before Maven could follow me. I knew he would. He would follow me no matter where I went. Something about him would suck any unsuspecting person in. He was just that way. From what I could tell, he loved to help people. At the same time, he loved answers. Maven was the type of guy who’d buy the newspaper and read it every morning, just so he could spout off facts about the world.
I bolted out of the doors, shoving past students so I could escape. However, I froze when he called my name. In fact, everyone froze when he did.
“Oh Calli!” he sang. I stiffened my spine. I Iooked at the person in front of me. Her dark eyes met the eyes of the boy behind me. I swear she was swooning. Swooning at the one guy I did not want to see. Or hear for that matter.
My fingers twitched. Though it was minute, Maven saw it. “I’d rather not be punched in the face right now,” he squeaked. Clenching my hands into fists, I start walking again. “What? No sorry? No, “Hello Maven”? No words of any kind?”
“Thought you didn’t want to get punched in the face, Boy,” I growled.
One of the guys near me shouted. The one word I most dreaded. The one word I despised. “Fight!” he yelled at the top of his lungs.
I whipped my head in the direction of the guy who called out. He had a smirk on his face. He was one of the athletes I saw in the morning. From what I knew, he was the team captain. The victor of the track. “What did you say?”
His smirk turned into a grin. Not a happy one either. It was the kind my father would use every night. The one that was to be considered psychotic and purely evil. I strode up to him, extending my neck so I was at maximum height. I still was short though. Kids parted so I could stand in front of him. His ginger locks had black roots. Unlike Maven’s floppy hair, his was gelled out of his face. He was all popular. Saying and doing things to gather fame into his clutches.
“What did you say Victor?” I seethed.
“I said, “Fight.”” Victor said, the grin still plastered to his face. Just like Daddy’s. I felt my insides churn at my Father’s title.
“If you want a fight, go find Nolan,” I retorted vehemently.
“You know,” he said, tapping his chin with a finger. “This is the first time you’ve ever said anything to a student besides the delinquents.”
I felt someone tug on my arm. Maven was by my side now. I would have thought he’d be smarter, but I guess I shouldn’t put it past him. After all, he followed me into the ladies restroom. “Leave her alone, dude.”
Victor snorted, scanning over Maven’s broad frame. “Who are you?”
Maven squinted at Victor. His muscles tensed as if he were ready to spring. “Why is that of any concern to you?”
“Because no one messes with us, Boy.”
“I’m that kid now, am I?” Maven grumbles under his breath. I don’t think it was meant for me, but I acknowledge the fact he said it.
“Let’s just say,” Maven starts. He then pauses, looking over at me. His silver eyes were teasing. Yet, I could only hold my head in my hands. He had an idea. It was not a good idea to let him share his idea. “That I’m her guy.”
I spluttered, “What!”
Victor nor Maven heard me. “She doesn’t have one last I heard.”
Maven smiled and hugged me to his chest. I grunted as he pressed on my back. I hurt a lot. My face was buried in his shirt. I couldn’t talk. He was a lot stronger than he looked. A gentle giant. “Well,” Maven growled. I’d think he was someone else if I couldn’t see him. “You heard wrong.”
I couldn’t see Victor, but I could imagine his grin turning into a frown. “I hear everything, Boy.”
“Stop calling me that!” Maven barks. His heart was pounding. The steady beat of it rang in my ear. It was soothing. I wanted to stay like that forever. I mentally slap myself. I did not want this. I did not need it. Slowly, Maven leaned down and kissed the top of my head. “C’mon Babe. Let’s go.”
I froze again. “What did you call me?”
Victor raised an eyebrow. “First time I’ve called her that…” Maven said, smiling nervously.
“You!” I yell at Maven. I could feel my cheeks inflame. Victor looked at me. Scrutinized me. I felt the urge to puke on him suddenly. Everything was off course from where I wanted to be. I wouldn’t hit the runway. I’d hit the water. “You just!”
Maven wrapped an arm around my shoulders and guided me away. Everyone had heard. Everyone was gossiping. Soon, the whole school would know. The infamous Calli Jaspers, the ugliest of the bunch, had a boyfriend. I groaned, walking ahead of him. He was becoming a bad habit.
“Why would you say such a thing?” I mutter as we start the ten minute walk to my place.
“Because I was trying to help you out.”
“Do you know how fast words travel around here? Huh. Maybe my name will be in the newspaper tomorrow morning for you to read. “Callina Jaspers. The girl who finally got a life out of the emo world.”
“Your name is Callina?”
“Calli to you and everyone else,” I snapped.
Maven raises his hands, chuckling. I bend down to pick up a rock and chuck it at him.
“Okay! Okay! It’s just a strange name is all I meant.”
“Why do you think I shortened it to Calli? It’s not my fault my parents are completely and utterly messed up.”
“Is that your house?” Maven asked, pointing at a nice sized brick home.
Shaking my head, I continue to pick up the pace to a jog. My bag bounced against my back. It hurt. I didn’t stop running. Maven sped up till he was next to me, his breaths coming out in short gasps. “Do you do this every day?”
“Shut your trap. You’re the one who forced yourself to come with me. Not the other way around.”
He followed my advice, thank goodness. We ran along the side of the road for a good five minutes. That was enough time for me to wrap my head around everything.
Brenda considered me a friend.
Nolan considered me a sister.
Maven called me his girl.
I listened to the steady pounding of my feet on dirt. By tomorrow morning, there would be new information about me going around school. Things that were not necessarily true. I look over at the serene boy next to me. His brown hair flopped over his eyes everytime he landed a foot on the ground. His eyes were troubled. I could tell he was deep in thought.
The wind rushed out of my lungs. What was I doing? Dragging him into this? I stopped. It took Maven a second to realize I was not with him. Halting, he looked at me over his shoulder. “You okay?”
“Don’t worry about me Maven. Worry about yourself.”
Maven frowned at me, deep lines forming around his mouth. “That’s cryptic.”
“Not really,” I tell him. He turned around to face me. His tall frame straightened to full height. Seemed like something I’d do. Except not in this situation. In this situation, I’d run for dear life. “I don’t need another person hurt because of me,” I whisper to him. I’m not sure why I do it. I guess I found comfort in pacific gestures.
The words did little to assuage me, but I still felt like I’d warned him. He stood in front of me, leaning down so he could look me in the eye. He was so close. I could feel his body heat. I’d barely have to lift a finger and I’d be touching him. Barely raise my head and I’d…
I shuddered. Don’t go there. I didn’t have the time to.
“What did you do?” he asked me softly. It was barely even a whisper. This close, and I was still unsure that I heard him correctly.
“I-” How does one respond to a question like this? With the truth? With another lie? Or do people leave that question unanswered?
“I have to go,” I finally tell him, pulling away from him. Immediately, my body wants to go back and curl up against him. Wanted to be in his arms like before. Maven stayed there for a second, before regaining his senses and following me.
“What do you mean you’re going?” he inquired spitefully. “I’m going with you!”
“No you’re not!” I reply. I wouldn’t drag him into my mess. The one mom was so eager to leave. Would not have another reason to hate myself.
“Why not?” Maven asked, grabbing onto my hand.
I whirled on him, smacking his face. “Because not everything in the world is going to be answered for you, Maven. No one else needs to get hurt. Just stay here. I’ll be back in a lifetime.”
Without waiting for an answer, I took off down the road, running over the crest of the hill we were climbing. You could see my house from here. You could see a lot of houses from here. My house was the only run-down place. I sprinted for home. The sooner I got there, and the sooner I left was for the better.
As I approached the oh-so-familiar building. I could feel my body stiffen on it’s own. It was not ready for another road of physical, and emotional torture. I pushed open the creaky door. As always, the house smelled rotten. Right in front of the door was a gaping hole. The floorboards had collapsed. Quietly, I walked into the kitchen. Bottles were strewn everywhere. I could hear the faint sound of snoring from the living room.
I released in a silent breath. I hadn’t realized I’d been holding it. He was asleep. Most likely drunk too. Padding into the living room, I leaned over the couch. Daddy was stretched out. His lips were tinged blue. I had no idea how he wasn’t dead yet. I was oddly thankful he wasn’t. Even in this dump for a house, I was glad he was still hanging around.
Pulling a blanket from under the couch, I draped it over his still body. Leaving him to snore himself sober, I climbed up the stairs. The odors were much worse up here. I had to plug my nose so I didn’t puke. My bedroom door was closed. I didn’t open it. I stared at the chipped off-white paint that coated the thick wood. Turning away from it, I wandered into Daddy’s bedroom. I don’t know why I did it exactly. Something about it was compelling I suppose.
There were multiple buckets strewn across the floor. It was confusing until I saw the trail of blood going into the bathroom. It was dried, crusty beneath my fingers. I knew it was my blood almost instantly. I followed the trail of it to the bathroom door, which was closed. I rested my fingers around the doorknob. I was honestly scared to go inside. The vibes on the other side of the door were odd and nerve-racking. Taking a deep breath, I shook myself mentally. Get yourself together. You wanted to know this. You wanted to know what your blood was used for. Here’s your chance. Use it, use it.
There was a crash downstairs. Glass against tile. I ran out of the room, forgetting entirely about the door. “Who are you!” I heard Daddy yell loud and clear. A steady stream of curses could be heard coming from the kitchen.
Another crash. “Sorry! Sorry! I didn’t-”
I bolted down the stairs, knowing instantly who the other person was. “Maven Verascue!”
The world went quiet as I finished running down the stairs, and into the kitchen. Daddy was standing in front of Maven, looking small in comparison. However, Maven was the one who cowered away from Daddy, his silver eyes looking between him and I.
“Maven Verascue!” I basically scream at him. I was done putting up with his nonsense. “What are you doing in my house?!”
Daddy was holding his belt in the same way he always did: wrapped around his hand. I sucked in a breath as his cold blue stare turned to me. “You know this boy?”
I ducked my head, feeling tears start to well up. He had been sleeping. Maven messed up my only way to leave. “Yes Daddy,” I say softly. He slapped me hard. My head turned with the force of the impact and my cheek stung where a red mark was left. Possibly another bruise too.
A ghost had even more color than Maven did at that moment. I looked back at him with weary eyes. “You should go,” I murmur.
“You do what my daughter tells you to, Boy!” Daddy yelled at Maven. However, Maven didn’t budge. His smooth grey eyes were lost in mine.
“H-he just hi-hit you.”
#thriller #suspense #romance #memories
The in between
You’re an inbetweener
You’re between life
You’re between death
You can see your family huddled around you
You can see your boyfriend at the door
But not your brother
Or your sister
Or your mother
Nor your father
Because they’re all gone.
They aren’t inbetweeners
You are an inbetweener
You can’t decide between
Life And Death
Your grandfather is a man of little words, but he talks to you while you sleep
Your grandmother is sewing you a new blanket to put over your hospital one
Your Aunt cries, your cousin in her arms
He just walks out the door
You’re an inbetweener.
You have a choice to make
Will you move on?
Or will you live?
You’re so tired
You close your eyes
You can see the veil
Is that where you want to go?
You can see your mother on the other side
But you open your eyes and look back at your family.
Your body is bruised
Broken; in shambles
Blood covers your face
Is that the body you want to go back to?
Life will never be the same.
A young man you don’t know sits in the corner
Tears are streaming down his face.
A woman stands behind him, rubbing his shoulders.
Could you ever forgive him?
But you hear him mumble through the tear stains on his cheeks
“Don’t give up girl. I couldn’t forgive myself if you did.”
And you blinked at him, smiling though he couldn’t see it.
“It’s okay sir. Just don’t do it again.” You said, though he couldn’t hear it.
You stared at the drunk who crashed into your car.
And you knew that you did forgive him
And that you couldn’t forgive yourself if you didn’t.
You close your eyes and look at the faint image of your family behind the veil.
Though you wish, you can’t give up.
You wave to them, and they wave back.
You open your eyes, but this time, you’re looking up at the face of your boyfriend.
He smiles, his eyes red and puffy, tears splashing on your face.
The drunk who crashed stands up and cries again
You smile at what’s left of your family, even the ones who killed them.
“I forgive you,” you whisper, before you sleep once more
And the room fills up with love and devotion, and you smile as you sleep
You’re not an inbetweener.
And you’re glad you chose what you did. That you didn’t give up and leave
Even with new trials ahead
Lived... A poem for a long lost friend
You peep out of your closet
Shivering as you hear the stairs creak
A renegade tear rolls down your cheek
You hug your knees to your chest
Close your eyes
Your life flashes by in your mind
How had you ended up like this
Let me say
Your dad drank too much
Your mom walked out the door
Your siblings were taken away
You were left alone
Your heart beat races
Races like a horse
In the races
The door opens slowly
You want to scream
A foot enters into the space your in
Why is this the life you live?
Why is this the pain you have been put through
Why is this the way it is?
Why is this the life you live?
You see the tough leather
Wrapped around his hand
You see his face, disastrous and frightening
No one you know could understand
You don’t make a sound as he draws near
More crocodile tears fall from your eyes
He opens the closet door and takes you hand
And the belt comes down once again
The police come to your house
Distracting him long enough
You cry for help but it is weak
There isn’t enough blood
Not enough to keep
Keep you going
Keep you safe
Keep you happy
Keep you normal
Keep you dreaming
Keep you loving
Keep you hating
The only emotion you feel right now
Is the pain for all that has been
You feel sorry
Sorry for him
Sorry for her
Sorry for the people he’s messed with
Because you know what it’s like
You close your eyes
Your breath shudders
You heart isn’t beating any longer
You know the medics try to help
But it happened too many times
For them to help
Why was that the life you lived?
Why was that the pain you were put through
Why was that the way it was?
Why was that the life you lived?
I want To Be someone
Sometimes you want to be someone
But you know you can’t be.
Because something is stopping you
From being that one thing
You can’t sleep at night
Your mind is racing
What if I said this?
Would it even make a difference?
When you go to say something
You find you can’t do it
Because you were shoved down too far
So far your drowning in the dark
You search and search
But you can’t find your way out
And you scream and scream
Till your throat becomes sore.
You pound your head on the floor
Tears falling from your cheeks
You can’t get a hold
Of that one thing your trying to keep
Your sanity is your downfall
You read to keep in fantasy
But your too far
Your drowning in the deep dark sea
You curl up on the floor
Hands shaking like your insane
Sometimes you wish you were
Because your heart feels broken
You hear whispers around the school
Of things they think you did
And maybe you did them
Maybe you can’t remember
You become Ice
You go cold
Unable to grab hold
Of your thoughts
Your an empty shell
You shove everyone out
Saying you can handle it
Your dad is worried
Your mother wonders
Your brother scared
They all know what’s unspoken
You set out running
Feet pounding on the ground
And you realize
Your running from yourself
Wherever you go
Your dragging people down
You dig down into your soul
But it’s hard to find
That one thing your looking for
Because you are No One
No one understands the pain you’ve been put through
To get to where you are
Because they all Are someone special
Unlike who you think you are
Even just a glitter of recognition
Even just a word
It doesn’t matter to you
You just want to be heard.
You don’t want to be fixed all the time
You just want to be someone
But your song is dark
And no one
Wants to listen
To that tune you have
Your hope dims
Can see it.
You continue to sing
Your sad melody
Until one day
Someone you want to be.
Because you want
To end life
With that one happy key
Even have your sanity