They gave us the day

To be thankful 

For everything we had,

Before they took it all away.

The attacks were connected

Planned and coordinated.

They were perpetrated

To finally bring that fear to a head,

To justify tightening the chains.

Like a pimple that had been festering

Finally burst.

It got messy when the people fought back,

Fought "protection".

The crowds were with panic,

And the police with armor.

They had their way. 

The end of an era.

Freedom was no more.

We are the ones

That do not conform

Those that think different

That colored outside the lines

We have been cast aside

Because we are the ones

That can change everything

We think outside of the norm

When we don’t know what to say

We write it down

They call us weird

We claim that title

The say we are trouble

And we might be

Just not in the ways

You might think

We are the new beats

We wanted change.

We wanted a better way.

A revolution of the minds.

So we gathered together

To stand up for it.

To make it happen.

Adbusters helped us along.

Or so we thought.

Little did we know,

That they were working for those

We opposed.

And we,

The protestors,

The people,

Were being drawn in,

Lined up and cataloged. 

Separated. 

We became training tools

For the newly militarized 

Police of the states.

They beat us,

Arrested us,

Broke us down. 

Tested their weapons,

And tried on their gear.

What were we training them for?

I hope that we all are ready.

After four long years

The time is almost upon us. 

To find out.

Those things we fear

Are created

By the idea that we should.

Every thought is creation.

When we live in fear

We are giving creative energy

To those things we fear.

"We have nothing to fear

Except fear itself"

Truer words have never been said.

Same goes for love.

Every thought is creation.

Think about things you love.

Let's create something to love,

And have nothing to fear.

We define ourselves in so many ways.

Labels and boxes are lost possibilities and limitations.

I would rather have all the possibilities available

And a lack of limitation.

So I’m going to choose,

Not to define myself,

Not to limit myself,

Not to apply those labels,

And put myself into those boxes.

I choose to not define myself

And to live without limitations.

Im doing it

The way everyone says I should

The way that works

Attend

Get a sponsor

Work steps

Im doing it

The sponsor never calls answers

Or calls back

The steps make me feel that i should try to be less than I know that I AM.

Be at the mercy

Be powerless

I can’t

I’m not

I know who I AM

I know what I AM

I know that I have the choice

I know that the power is mine

I can’t be less than I AM

That’s what got me here

I know that the choice is mine 

I'm taking a minute

And still not bound to urges

So I AM fine

And I'm taking my time

Moments of sadness 

that may last for days. 

They don't have to.

Moments of weakness,

Urges set to destroy. 

They don't always.

Sometimes I want to drink,

When I don't want to think,

For a moment.

I don't want to drink,

But burning something sounds nice.

That let's me think,

In the moment.

Gain perspective.

Let go of loss. 

Then those moments pass.

And the sadness comes back,

Just for a moment.

And the want for that perspective,

That letting go,

Also gone.

And then another moment of sadness.

This dream. 

My lady love and I went to a play party in my hometown. It was in the back room of a post office. It was fun. As we were leaving, we were invited to an adult amusement park. It was free as long as we were invited. So we go. When we get there, we walk into a waiting room that looks like a clinic. The call her back first “to be tested” add they say all heists must be. So I wait. Before she returns, they call me back. They do blood and an std test. Them leave me in the room to wait some more. A slender nurse comes into the room and says I am all clear and to follow her. We walk down a long hall to a door. She opens the for and says you can wait here or just go have fun as she motions towards a large area with theater style seats. The seats were scattered with the clothes off other guests. Beyond that I see the amusement park. I walk to the front row and have a seat. There is a large swimming area in front of me. There are lots of nude people s swimming there.the wall on the side of the waiting area fades into cliffs that line it. At the end, there is a large waterfall with a slide on the top. I can see more naked people flying off of it and into the water. It looks like fun. But I wait. I was sitting for quite some time, waiting for my love. She never came.  I walked back to door that I had come in I knocked because there was no handle. The door opens. Another nurse was standing there. I asked where my lady was and of everything was ok. She said “you can go, or you can wait. But once you leave, you can’t come back in. Go play or leave?” I tried to talk with her and adj where Aubrey was. ” go play, or leave? ” was all she would say after that. I made my way back to where I was sitting. And thought, “maybe she is already out there.“I was getting hot where I was sitting so I took off my shirt. Why not? everyone was naked. So I finally stripped down and made my way to the waterfall to cool off. I get up to the top and I can see another park on the other side of the cliff. The parks were separated by calvary men with swords running their horses back and forth across what looked like a long half-pipe or shallow valley there were a few people trying to cross. As they went out of sight into the halfpipe, one of the horse soldiers would charge where they went in swinging their sword. I asked the attendant what that park was. ” well, that’s where whoever you came her with is. Have fun. I’m sure that they are ” he said as he opened the gate to the slide sending me over the waterfall... I woke up.

Im losing it

Just a little

So stressed I can't focus

On anything

In a good mood

And still

Losing it

I don't care to be locked up

Even though it seems inevitable

Even if I am

I can't be contained

And still

I'm losing it

I know it will work out

The way it's supposed to

Do I really need street cred?

I don't think I do

Not that kind anyway

"Welcome back", that's what the nurse said to me. Shortly after I began opening my eyes and things began to come into focus.

"where am I? " I asked as I looked over at the heavy set lady across the room.

"Room 213, in the stillwater medical center. Do you remember what happened?" I looked over and saw my roommate, Travis, sitting in the corner. "That guy" she said as she motioned toward him "saved your life a couple of days ago" I tried to sit up and was meet with an intense pain in my chest. "Stay put, you have some healing to do"

"What happened?" I asked. The last thing that I can remember was hearing a knock at the door of our apartment and getting up to see who it was. I don't remember anything else after that.

Travis sat up and said "Quan stuck you with an icepick, or a screwdriver, or something"

"It missed your heart by a fraction of an inch, barely missed your lung too. You're lucky to be alive" the nurse said.

I sold drugs at the time. Meth, coke, weed, acid, and whatever pills or other things I might have had at the time. Weed was my main market in the college town. I worked as a cook in the famous restaurant and novelty store "eskimo joe's" at the time. So i had no trouble finding people to sell to.

Quan was our downstairs neighbor. He was a light skinned mixed guy who lived with his dad. He was a little bit older than me maybe 23 or 24. He was aspiring to be a big time dealer, and he was a wannabe gangster, but had no real affiliation with the local gangs. All he sold was dirt weed and the occasional pills that he took from the old man. he didn't like me, mainly because I had the bomb weed and everything else, no one wanted his dirt after we moved in. He didn't have an issue with Travis, they went to school together and at one point were pretty close friends. My guess is he was mad about the decline in his nickle and dime sales and that's why he did it.

The nurse said that I was kept sedated for 2 days as they watched my vitals, make sure that I didn't have any other internal injuries, and give me blood. They kept me for another 2 days after I was awake. The whole time I was thinking about ways to repay Quan for his efforts.

Travis took me back home after they let me out. The walk up the stairs was agonizing as I was still healing. As I asked toward the door I could see where the blood had stained the concrete and the carpet just inside as Travis opened the door. "I got a rug doctor", he said. "I hope it will get that up." I went in my room. "I took all the weapons over to mom's house" he yelled from the living room. My gun, swords, knives, all were gone.

"Why, man?" I yelled. He said he didn't know if the police were going to come. He didn't call them, he just took me to the ER. The hospital called them and all the statements were taken there. He said that he found me in the door when he got home and didn't know who did it. They never even came to the apartment.

The next day I decided to leave, to go back to Lawton. The city where I lived before so I got my stuff all packed up and started loading it up. It was late so I took a bag of weed back in to smoke with Travis on my last night there. The rent was paid for the next two months and he has a job, so I knew he would be ok.

Thee next morning as I was getting ready to leave, I saw Quan out the window. He was in the parking lot trying to get rid of some bags. I looked all over the apartment for anything that I could use. I found Travis' tennis racket in the closet, grabbed it and walked out the door. Still sore a walked quietly up behind Quan. I said his name mid-swing and broke all the strings on the racket across the side of his face. I got a big adrenaline rush and ran back up the stairs. I grabbed my keys and gave Travis 2 twenty's from my pocket for the tennis racket. I told him if call when I got back to Lawton and I headed out. When I called he told me that I had broken Quans jaw and he had stitches all over his face. He said I left "waffle marks"

All I said was "good". We talked for a little bit and I have spoken to him maybe twice in the twenty years since then.