It is the mind

that tells you

there is no hope.

It is the mind

that convinces you

you’re tied to a rope.

You have to entertain

the thought

That you COULD get the job

you want.

Picture you in it.

entertain that thought.

Give yourself,

A little credit.

That guy or girl you want ,

You are good enough for,

Believe it.

It doesn’t feel

like you’ve gotten very far.

But you could be so close

Just believe that you are.

Written 6/2016-not about my current job

The Wall Street Journal says the output of goods and services for each hour has declined,

As if “we the people” pressured to produce are like machines to output like you have designed .

I’m sorry I’ve slowed how fast I produce,

Or rather how quickly I correct the money

That you invest in this country,

governed by stupidity,

when reality TV show star runs for candidacy.

Yes, I’m angry.

Because ignorance destroys lives.

Because I’m not just a number who has slowed down.

And my boss said rather than paying me more to get two jobs and stick around.

And they wonder why my productivity has slowed from friendly to sour,

as they prod me every hour,

with pitch forks and threats;

My productivity quotient in the red.

I’m not on YouTube surfing the net.

I’m not on Facebook ranting about the government.

You can see that on sitting right at my fucking desk.

And someday “we will all be happy”.

There will be a robot doing my job! (Yay!)

Productivity will increase.

(We’ve never seen numbers like this!)

And humanity equal decrease

Or maybe as families starve in joblessness and poverty,

You’ll realize the correlation,

Between human wages and economy

And maybe we’ll both say fuck “productivity”.

Until then, remember, I’m the one you’re minimally paying and asking to “rush”

to handle your financial investments.

6/19/2016

Even though I do not thrive,

it’s better still to be alive.

I bet Modrian’s house was a mess too. Jesus was homeless,

he didn’t have any food.

Do you think Jesus was a failure too?

The key here is to be OK with having nothing and trust it will be OK .

It will always be OK.

Don’t shame yourself for gluttony and excessive vices.

Buddha indulged in so many devices

There are times when every Saint lapses.

These battle scars became their strengths.

Blessings they bestow,

on those struggling to get through,

those same things.

They wrap them up in angel wings.

God gave me faith in me.

To have, hope and trust,

to pull through.

God gave me faith in you.

And even though I have depression,

my love for my love and the kids

is without question.

And nothing can compare

To the altitude

of my gratitude.

Now that the yin and yang of race, religion, identity, bias is settled, and the dying fires are quenched with our shared tears, can the tears we shed wash away our hate and fears?

As tears flow down our cheeks, they wash blood off the streets. Like a good cry, wiping clean everything, as tears pool together, becoming streams.

This one drop of tear is me.

The shared tears form a puddle;

our community.

This community builds to become the stream of identity.

One drop, one puddle, one stream,

flowing into one river.

In essence, all the same water.

Notice the peace and the beauty.

Feel the stillness and the sun.

When nothing and no one is damned

We will all flow together as One.

If your words were meant to hurt me,

they never succeeded.

They only made me stronger.

I am a brick wall,

that no man may enter.

(Both fortunately and unfortunately).

That wall protects my heart and mind;

and my children.

The arrows you flung are nothing and pointless.

They coast through the air and fall on the lawn outside of the castle wall.

If you make amends,

maybe I will meet you outside the fortress; for peace’s sake,

before the long night falls.

But it will only be for a short time,

for the safety of my queendom.

Not like the swords of words could ever penetrate this armor.

(Just like the soft touch of love).

Here we are safe,

inside the castle walls.

And that bears its own beauty,

as I have toiled, and laid each brick

with my own bare hands.

If you were to peek within,

you would find beautiful flowers

blooming in the courtyards.

I am tired.

Life tired.

I’m a little blue

Not like the Picasso “Blue” .

Just a gray day

In an otherwise sunny place.

Or a regular day

For a cloudy person

In a sunny place.

Maybe it’s not about fixing

Maybe it’s about accepting

Seeing the flaws and brokenness

As one admires art.

See it as soul, as character.

Or at least evoking feeling in the observer.

So anxiety ran through me

Panic what’s happened

Lay down to take breaths, 4-1-5

What’s this underneath

Why did they all say goodbye?

I hit them up

The One is gone

Laid down to rest

Only two left

What did I do that you left?

I never mistreated you

I guess that’s at least

What I understood

Always people pleasing

Always trying to be good

You are good enough he said

Get out of your head

Your anxiety is really

What made it end

I know your intention

Was always to be good

Whether you believe it or not

I always understood

I guess being overwhelmed

Got the better of me

Two kids, jobs working three

I thought you could do more

It was never enough

Seems to me now

Like you did feel my love

I asked number two,

What did I do to you?

What made your heart

Flip a switch?

Cause I can’t ask Ian now

His soul is in heaven

The body a ditch

He says it sounds cliche

But it’s me not you

I need to get me together

After all I’ve been through

He said you give too much

Then it feels imbalanced

Cause you don’t get it back

And my heart cracked open

The light poured in just a crack

And I understood

You need to feel you’ve got it together

You need to feel you’re safe

That your world won’t crumble

If it doesn’t work

I finally get it now

From fear to tears

I broke down

Tears poured out

So much love

It was never me or you

That was not good enough

This lack of ability to make change

Is causing depression

Even my purpose for being in question

Did I make too many mistakes

Did I fail?

Because living this way is like

Living in jail

Trapped in a cycle of poverty

Working day and night

Not getting sleep

Still I struggle to pay

for things that we need

No one to hold me

At the end of the night

Love slips through my grasps

Sweaty palms from the fright

Slipping off the edge of a building

It‘s not building it’s sinking

My feeling of hope

Hanging off the edge

of a dangling rope

Sadness sinking deeper

Difficult to cope

Dark bags under eyes

No sleep

I do not feel

I do not weep

My muscles weak

I had the strength years past to fight

Fought hard and won

Now nothing to show

for a college education

Not enough money to go on vacation

Two kids supporting alone

No one to call on the phone

While the evil one sits

on his big red throne

Feeling no hope

of making life better

Droopy old worn out thrift store sweater

In the mail another collections letter

Typing on the computer all day

In a dark cloud, a fog, a daze

No sun, no fun and no loved one

Hip hop hurray

Life has just begun

I left because I thought

He was in love with someone else

I left quietly

Took a plane back East

We didn’t talk abat it

Because I could not handle

Him saying “I no longer love you”

On the calendar marked

“Change of heart”

A psychic predicted

Did it manifest?

Or was it her that came between?

Did you like her best?

Was she better than me?

He was my One true love

We felt the warmth of each other’s love

In our hearts,

like waves of the Arizona summer

Twin souls we could communicate

Telepathy from far away

And mail a note answering my question

We traveled and camped

Mountain biked and fasted in the mountains

One night I meditated in the dessert

Activating my Merkabah

After preparation, final initiating

Steps to activating breathing love

Mid the activation breath

I hear a sound

In the silence of the desert

I suddenly heard two boots

crunching on the desert rocks

It was midnight, I was house sitting alone

What was it that had come?

It was the same sound,

I heard at home alone when I was young

But no person was visible, no one was there

Was it two ghosts or off-world beings?

Were they observing or trying to change the fabric of my being?

The fear I felt at unknown guests

The sound of someone in the dark silent

Midnight meditation in the desert

Lasted well beyond the night

Shaking I stopped scared

Scared to death I ran inside

Anxiety it triggered

I’d soon to find lasted

nearly my whole life

In the Arizona West

It trickled into all I did

Work, identity, relationships

Once the fear was activated

No longer coming purely from my heart

Fear had trickled in

Fear of losing you, of losing everything

And so I did.

I manifested.

Not from love but fear.

I lost you, my job, my home

I lost everything that year.

And since found myself alone

A deep dark cloud consumed my mind

And soul turned into mush,

a haze settled over me

As living in a bog

I could not think clearly

My brain was filled with fog

Back East I became truly lost

No one could glue me back together

With modern medicine

And so you helped me find a psychic

A legit medical intuitive

He saved my life with his prescribed

Exercise and dietary changes

Years of therapy and meds took

To heal what from the root core

That night was shook

And 20 years it took to have a a conversation

Long last over due

Why did they all stop loving me?

Tell me why did you?

He said he never stopped loving me

He had not loved anyone in 20 years since

He said he never stopped

But inside I was not convinced

I saw him hanging with another

Was she your friend or your lover?

Was I not good enough?

He said he never cheated

It was me he truly loved

And so 20 years we still had

Felt so much for each other

He planned to come from South Carolina

Out West to visit me that summer

We talking about how he’d love Ojai

He meditated day and night(on love)

The holistic vibe and yoga

A Bodhisattva from above

He lived with joy, and love and humor

He passed suddenly that summer

I know I could search all the world

And never find such a beautiful soul

He meditated on “love for all of life”

I could search the Earth both far and wide

Tirelessly all day and night

For never another so loving and joyful

Anywhere in the World

I would ever find

Love you forever. In memory of Ian

You will always be the One ❤️

-Chachi