Honorable boys and girls

Sculpted into men and women

In the short order of weeks

Sent to lands not our own

Brothers and sisters in arms

Doing deeds of other men

Seeing the worst

Of so called humanity

Leaving scars so deep

Feelings of why.

Fallacies of inadequacy

Leading to doubts

Of one’s intestinal fortitude, thoughts of “This world would be better off”Without them in it

Believing the lies

Told by ones mind

They close their eyes,…..One last time……

Just wanting to be accepted

But feeling so different

Some, just kids at the time

They were taught to kill

Now spit out into the world

With no real help they

Turn to substances

To quiet the noise

Of war left in their heads

The phrase echoing inside

“Fall back on your training”

Our training never taught us

How to deal with this, but taught us How to survive, How to kill

And how to wage war

But not these feelings.

I want you to know, you

Yes you

The one having thoughts of ending yourselves

This world IS better with you

In it

I promise you it is better with you in it

We are misunderstood by the

Civilian sector

They don’t understand why

We do things we do

They always say things like

“Thank you for your service” but I’ve rarely heard

“Thank you for your sacrifice” some say “You were in war, your a hero” we are no hero’s, we celebrate the “Hero’s” because they didn’t make it home.

Yes we may not have lost our lives

In war, but for some we have lost our minds, the real battle comes after combat, after all the bloodshed and the “after action reports”

That battle is one in our own minds.

If this is you my brothers and sisters in arms, please I beg of you, find someone to talk to,

I know this is hard, but we were forged in the crucible, we know what hard is.

Please don’t join the 22 a Day club.

“Get the toolbox” I hear as I wake up, Saturday morning. I get the toolbox, he is already downstairs, with a piece of cardboard to lay on under the car. “Get me the medium socket wrench with a 10mm on it” I knew what a socket looked like, but no idea what a 10mm looked like. I handed him the wrong one, “the other one, a 10mm” he snaps, I rummaged thru the box, I put a bigger one on the wrench, he says “bigger one”, I finally I got the right one. My first experience driving was in the family’s Chevy Monza, stick shift,

With a v8 in it, I watched him place a full manual transmission on his chest, after, I watched him take a rusted bolt off with his bare fingers, he had the grip strength of a gorilla.

One time I slipped and fell straddling the curb, really racked my nuts, I couldn’t get up, I’m 14 or 15 about 120 to 130 pounds, he scooped me up, like I was a sack of rice. His forearms were rock hard, he always had stamina, he would run from the house to Belmont pier, and back 8 miles, everyday except for Sunday. He has always in my eyes been the image of strength.

I walk into the hotel room, and I see him, my Dad, now thin and skinny, not in a healthy way skinny, now a shell of what he once was, but still he is my Dad, he stepped in when I was just a baby, and has been there ever since. I fear this is the last time I will see him alive and I am sad. In my mind I still envision him strong standing up with a full head of jet black hair, I prefer to remember him this way because this was the guy who is and was a great man in my life, he will always be that in my heart and mind.

I sit here in the airport trying not to cry.

I remember sitting on a Greyhound bus, I was 6 or 7 my little brother was maybe 3, eating Vienna sausages, and potted meat sandwiches, riding from Illinois to Long Beach. I have really good memories of my Dad, 7th and juanipero, my dad held crab cook parties this was even before my brother was born. One Christmas I got a little “zip-pull” dragster, I loved that thing, I remember riding my friends bike in the alley, and falling off, hitting my head really good, waking up and seeing my mom and dad there, waiting for me to wake up. My mom and Dad took turns sitting with me overnight, because I had a concussion. My dad was the one who taught me how to swim, once I said I knew how to swim it was test by fire, as he tossed me into the deep end of an 8 foot deep pool, I did know how to swim after that. I remember him telling my little brother and I, “if I have to come find you, your too far from the house, if you can’t hear me call your names, then your too far from the house” of course we always were too far from the house. I learned how to cook by watching him in the kitchen, after long enough watching him, he said ok you know how to cook rice, so before your mom and I get home put the rice on, but don’t burn it, make sure you watch it. First 2 times we had semi burned rice. Once I got cooking rice down, we got an automatic rice cooker. Every day my mom would tell me “take out the meat from the freezer, so it will be thawed out, make rice and do your homework”. They would tell me “watch over your little brother, don’t let anyone mess with him, make sure nothing happens to him.” One time my dad was coming from a job interview or going to a job interview, we stopped at a gas station, Belmont shores gas station, I go to the bathroom, while my dad was getting air in the tires of the car, the same Monza from earlier, I think I was like 11 or 12, my little brother was maybe 7, 2 older kids 14 maybe 15 came into the restroom, they started beating me up because I didn’t have any money, the bathroom door flies open and my little brother runs in and in one motion kicks this kid right in the balls, he drops to the ground and lets out a scream, his friend ran out while he screamed and followed, my dad was right there. My little brother wasn’t so little after that.

Was my dad a hard man, yes when needed, there were times I was a rebellious young teen, and needed my ass beat, but those times I really don’t remember, because those times I needed it, and in getting that ass whopping, he showed he loved me, I know it sounds backwards.

I ran away more than a couple times, he was the one who would walk the streets looking for me, mainly because my mom had to be up early to go to work the next morning, and he didn’t want my mom out on the mean street, even if they would be together looking for me. One time they came to pick me up at the Torrance police station, I had a neon blue Mohawk, I thought I was tough.

My mom shaved my hawk off before church. They fought to get me out of the system, the Los Angeles youth system, took a little bit, but then I surprised them and joined the Navy.

My mom and dad have been together since my dad stepped in soo long ago, he has been there thru it all, thru it all….

I remember my dad yelling at the TV, while watching football, the news, the presidential debates, commercials, basically just watching TV. I have only seen my dad cry once, the time we had to put “fidget” down, that cat was his little buddy, first was tigger, one Saturday my dad was sitting in the living room, the screen door cracked open, and in walked this grey-ish white striped kitten, and it went straight to my dad and jumped on the couch, and sat in his lap,….. we had a cat.

Then there was Fred, a wild red tabby, who drove my dad nuts, in jr high school I made a chess board and my dad had pretty nice chess set, it was out on the living room coffee table, that dang cat would run from my mom and dads room to the living room, jump into the coffee table and slide all the way across it, sending the chess pieces everywhere.

My mom and dad had a queen size bed, with a high headboard, Fred would wait till 2 or 3 AM to walk across the edge of the headboard, of course he would slip and fall, usually on my dads face….. lol.

I should have been a better son to him, I was stubborn and hardheaded, didn’t listen, and gave him a lot of grey hair with stress.

The way I want to remember my dad is, there is a picture of him at Belmont cliffs, he’s wearing a t-shirt and blue jeans, he has shiny jet black hair, with a Tony Orlando mustache, he has leather sandles

on wind in his hair sun on his face,

Big smile with his gold tooth shining. One of the best pictures of him I think.

I would love to go back, with a “do over” I’m sure everyone would, but thinking about it, I would be the one to change, I wouldn’t want him to change at all. But I know by me changing in turn he would change, that being said then, I wouldn’t change a thing…..but the “do over” would still be nice.

I love you Dad,

Your Son,

Derek

A tribute to the man I know as Dad.

“Get the toolbox” I hear as I wake up, Saturday morning. I get the toolbox, he is already downstairs, with a piece of cardboard to lay on under the car. “Get me the medium socket wrench with a 10mm on it” I knew what a socket looked like, but no idea what a 10mm looked like. I handed him the wrong one, “the other one, a 10mm” I rummaged thru the box, I put a bigger one on the wrench, he says “bigger one”, finally I got the right one. My first experience driving was in the family’s Chevy Monza, stick shift,

With a v8 in it, watched him place a full manual transmission on his chest, after, I watched him take a rusted bolt off with his bare fingers, he had the grip strength of a gorilla.

One time I slipped and fell straddling the curb, really racked my nuts, I couldn’t get up, I’m 14 or 15 about 120 to 130 pounds, he scooped me up, like I was a sack of rice. His forearms were rock hard, he always had stamina, he would run from the house to Belmont pier, and back 8 miles, everyday except for Sunday. He has always in my eyes been the image of strength.

I walk into the hotel room, and I see him, my Dad, now thin and skinny, not in a healthy way skinny, now a shell of what he once was, but still he is my Dad, he stepped in when I was just a baby, and has been there ever since. I fear this is the last time I will see him alive and I am sad. In my mind I still envision him strong standing up with a full head of jet black hair, I prefer to remember him this way because this was the guy who is and was a great man in my life, he will always be that in my heart and mind. I sit here in the airport trying not to cry.

Most give freedom

No thought at all

Because they think they are

Free, just being alive is to be shackled.

Free is nothing but a state of mind

Death is freedom

How is that you say?

When I die

I will be free

Free from earthly bonds

Free to travel anywhere

And everywhere

To see see distant planets

Distant galaxies

Other universes

To be able to travel

Thru time and space

To go back or forward

As far as I want

Different parallel realities imagine

Energy cannot be stopped

Just redirected

Never diminish

I can only see one downfall

You can go everywhere

And to anytime

But you cannot interact

Or effect them

No more

Feeling the warmth

Of a lovers touch

The cold ocean water

The sting of a fresh sunburn

But to know these and not

Ever feel them again

Wouldn’t be so bad

Because at least I have known them. Some believe

You just sit in the ground

Or get turned to ashes

Who cares what happens to the dust you are made of

It’s your energy

Of your essence

Your “soul”

It’s just that

Your soul will be free.

I’ve faced death in war

And a couple of times

As a civilian

And was never scared

Of the act of dying,

It only takes a split second

And your looking at

Your body.

I’ve kicked death in the teeth

And told it

“Not today mother fucker”

But when it does take me

I will be truly free.

Where will I go?

Answer….. Everywhere.

These are just random rants &

Ramblings and beliefs of an old man.

#poetry #CRIMEZONE

It’s on this day

The stars aligned

Just right

They shed stardust

Each one of them

So as God

Could use that stardust

To make… you.

To form you with

Such beauty

And brains.

And the world

Is just brighter

With all that stardust

That you are made of

I am glad I am able to witness

Your shine

And may your shine last

For many more years to come

Happy Birthday GSNG

I love you.

Never in a million years

Could I have ever

Imagined the country

I live in, I defended

I went to War for

Got shot at

And killed other human beings

For,

Would be so “pussy-fied”

As to not stand up and change.

Change it’s laws,

And the way it runs

Federally, State, and locally,

To protect little children….

Little children DAMMIT.

Children who went to school

And then where faced,

With pure evil.

How can the “lawmakers”,

And may I remind you these are

People we as the people

Voted into those positions,

Sit on their fucking hands

And say “well it’s not the guns that kill people”

All that says is “well it wasn’t my kids/grandkids school so….”

Don’t get this twisted,

I am pro gun, only because I’ve

Seen War, and the ugly truth

Of what guns can do.

I have been on the “giving”

End of a bang stick, and I’ve been

On the bad end of one.

I’ve witnessed my brothers,

My friends, get shot and die.

In the theater of War.

The difference between them

And little children……

The little children didn’t sign

Up and know that could be

The possibility that they loose

Limb or life because of those same guns.

I’ve defended this country

Overseas and here inside the USA

I’ve stopped liquor store robbery’s

2 of them, I wouldn’t have been able to do that without my pistol.

Did that without firing a shot.

It sickens me to know that lawmakers are such fucking pussies that choose not to

Sit down and fucking figure

Out some sort of control

Measures to at least mitigate

Or prevent these cowardly acts.

I am for the strict regulation

Of buying guns

Like psychological evaluation.

And increased background

Checks, in-depth ones.

21 year age to buy guns.

If you can’t buy booze till your 21,

Then why in the fucks sake

Could you buy a gun at 18?

There are those who would say,

“It was his “right” to buy them”

“Protect the 2nd” is preached,

Fuck that, where is the

PROTECT THE FUCKING CHILDREN?????

(Crickets chirping)

Right now in this moment

I am ashamed,

Ashamed of this country,

And it’s inability to handle this

Type of situations,

For fucks sake we can

Put people on the moon,

Put people in space at the space

Station, but we can’t fucking figure out how to regulate the sale

And registration of guns?

(Crickets chirping)

And the “weapons of war” statement

Is such fucking bullshit,

EVERY GUN was designed to

Kill. Every single one.

I have so much inside

To say about the quality of the

Leadership of this country.

This “Great country”

The UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

At present day, looks to be

The pussies of the world.

Media outlets and big pharma

Control this country.

Seems it’s not truth,

Unless people see it on,

Facebook, Twitter, and such.

Doctors cannot treat and cure

Disease, because this country

Only treats the symptoms,

And doesn’t treat the actual

Disease, because big pharma

Won’t make money.

Politicians are “silent owners”

Of privatized prisons,

Then make laws and legislation

To fill those same prisons.

Silent owners and major

Share holders in

Big pharma companies.

Then do the same,

Make laws and regulations

To make sure they profit

By keeping people sick.

“If they wanted you educated,

Schools would be free”

“If they wanted you healthy,

Health care would be actual care, and free”

“If they wanted you to prosper financially, they would educate you on financial literacy”

And yeah there is “economics”

In school, but that teaches you,

How to be a worker and pay taxes”

They have “Health and science”

In school, but that only teaches you that when a boy and a girl

Have sex babies are made”

Is this country perfect…..

Not by any means.

But the fact that we as a country

Cannot figure out essential

Issues, such as,

Gun control,

Education,

Health care,

Just 3 issues,

3 fucking issues……

As I said don’t get these words and thoughts and opinions,

Because that is all these are,

Don’t get them twisted.

I love this country,

But am ashamed at the same time……

I am a patriot ashamed..

This is just thoughts and opinions.

this Is just a rant on the gun control issue here in the United States after the rash of school shootings.

Yes I am guilty as charged with

Crimes of the body.

Not the heart,

Silence screams of shame

Screams of guilt

Screams of regret

Screams of fear.

Fear of loosing

The best thing ever to happen

In my life.

I understand if she says

She can’t do this anymore

While hoping and praying

She won’t.

I fucked up,

Scars to her soul

My actions have made.

Silence is a sign of remorse

And guilt,

Silence is me keeping my lunch down because if I speak I’m likely to puke it up with shame and guilt, Knowing how badly I fucked everything up.

Silence is me praying

Praying for her to find some sliver

Of forgiveness, maybe not even that, just some understanding

That I fucked up, and that I’m human, it’s what we do.

Silence is me understanding if she cant find any of that.

Silence is me killing myself in my mind, but knowing doing that would only further her pain.

Silence is all of that,

Multiplied by 1 million.

That is why I am silent not because I have none of these,

But because I don’t want to hurt her anymore than I already have.

Because every-time I do speak, I seem to.

That is why there is silence in me.

(She has no idea)

How much I love her

(She has no idea)

What my heart does

When my eyes see her

(She has no idea)

What my brain does

When we toss innuendoes

And side eye glances

At each other.

(She has no idea)

I want to live the rest of my days

On this earth with her

(She has no idea)

What I would do for her

(She has no idea)

How far I would go for her

(She has no idea)

She is my everything

(She has no idea)

I will never, NEVER stop loving her

(She has no idea)

I’ve loved her secretly for almost

25 years

(She has no idea)

I honestly believe we were formed as one and split after creation

And those who know what I’m talking about

(She has no idea)

I find her so beautiful

(She has no idea)

How sexy she is

(She has no idea)

How big the hole in my heart

Would be if I couldn’t see her

Or be with her.

(She has no idea)

How much I think and know

She is one of the most talented writers I’ve ever known

(She has no idea)

Of how proud I am

That she calls me her boyfriend

(She has no idea)

How many times I think of her

Bent over the armrest of the couch

(She has no idea)

How much I love going down on her

(She has no idea)

The stars is see while we are making love

(She has no idea)………

How far this list can go…….

I’ve never really thought about ending myself, but this feeling of worthlessness puts a different shine to it, not saying I will, but why would I want to stay here without you, my other half?besides another loop around eternity might not be that bad, but we both know this is our last loop….. speak now or forever hold your piece.….