Please kill me.

I just ask you do it quick.

I don't want to be here anymore.

No one wants me anyway, I have nothing to offer, no talent.

So please.

Just kill me,

and let it be quick.

Why did something click in my friends' heads' when we got in high school? I can't relate to them anymore. I can't laugh with them anymore.

I just feel like a big stupid log trying to tag along. 

I thought I would maybe have a close friend again when you and I started doing stuff with songs after school. We were going to work together, create something. Perform at the concert. But no, I'm not talented enough to participate in something like that. 

Now it's your song, and her violin. How could I be so stupid as to think that someone would actual appreciate me and want me.

I start writing my own song, you listen to me play what I have. You say you'll help me, I write music, you write lyrics. That was two days ago. I think you already forgot. 

This all confirms why I'm ignored before school, during lunch. None of them care for me anymore.

It's good to know that I'm really not important to anyone. At least now I can stay in my right spot.

I find it odd how one thing can change your entire view of a person.

One small thing.

I feel like some of it has to do at the timing.

The day after Jazz Night(always an emotional roller coaster), the day of election.

"I don't like Hillary Clinton because she supports abortion and gay marriage."

That is the last thing I expected to come out of his mouth. The mouth of such a kind and respectful person.

I may only have a crush on you, But lastnight, I was goggling over how attractive and talented, and kind you are. Last night, I was happy to be in your presence.

I came to school today, in a great mood. Not completely miserable from this stupid sensation we call a crush.

But then

At 8:05 AM

I was told that little comment of yours.

I don't know what to think. I respect people's opinion. I really do. And I shouldn't judge you. but it's hard. I know this election is shitty, and neither candidate is good but this??

It is hard to discover your crush is a homophobic. That's my sister you're talking about!

Yes it is interesting how one, itty bitty little thing can change your opinion.

I think I still like him but it is hard to tell. You can't base a person's personality off one thing, I don't know his specific reasonings for saying this.

But really, of all things... This?

Just last night I would look at you and see a handsome, talented and kind young man. Today I could see that opinion creeping up behind you eyes. I know this part is in my head, but I don't know any more. I don't care anymore.

One small statement.

One small sentence.

I just don't know, what to think.

I am having immense amounts of feels today.

I hate it, I love it, I don't know what to do!

This morning he was at my table, I was real confused

but then I realize he is a partner with a friend

I see him in spanish, he keeps looking at me

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN???

 I'm so confused

My chest still hurts even when he's not in the room

Homecoming is in a week, it would be such a mistake to ask him

but I want to so bad

The pain in my chest increases, I suddenly feel tired

I don't know what to do

Oh, I don't know what to do!

I have made the discovery that I am an old soul

An old soul with that touch of country

It makes me real unique

It makes me 'not like others'

I like old barns, little country creaks,

I like the glimpse back to what it use to be

Old barbed wire fence, clay tiles, the plow I found in my backyard

I'm an old soul

and I'm okay with it

My most favorite place to get away

is where my dad and I deer hunt

Being a half mile from the county blacktop, it feels like a different world

I like old music

I like outside

I can't be in a city all day without feeling sick,

I'm miserable if I can't go outside

I would be perfectly fine

with a little cosy house, a sweet little farmstead, a place for my horses,

and acres and acres of timber

Yes, that would be just fine

Hello!

I'm Back!

Back to spill my feelings because no one else will listen

How are you, I am fine.

I finally got out of depression, and had a decent summer

I have a lot to update

I have a lot on mind

But first I must explain to you

Why prose came back to mind

I had a real great summer

Depression far from sight

But now only 4 weeks in

it's creeping back behind

High school is great

My friends are real devine

Plus the music room is great

the piano always mine to play

Yes that was great until it all went down

No time for friends

piano will have to wait

High school is great

Until time to come home

Here we are

back to step one

You ignore me

Anything I say will make you mad

You take away my music

My only way to escape

Come on! we've know this scene I was five!

Don't you see??

My anger turned to depression

There are tally marks in my skin

because I can not find escape

The moment the knife hits my skin I am relieved that I don't have to THINK about how I always mess up

With no music it is just me and the stinging in my wrist

You denied I was depressed.

"Oh, you've grown an inch, it must have been a growth spirt"

IT WAS NOT A GROWTH SPIRT

IT IS HERE AGAIN

THE PAIN I CAN'T ESCAPE

AND NO ONE CARES

I am here ALONE

WHEN WILL SOMEONE NOTICE THAT I NEED LOVE TOO??

Horses

Golden Sun

Countryside

Love

Laughter

Familly

Together

Depression.

Is what I feel.

The sense of wanting, and every now and then, hate.

Watching them across the room and know that you will never get closer.

It hurts,

a never ending dull pain in your chest

all you have is the hope that someday, it will all end.

Why don't you listen to me?

You say that talking to parents is important at my age, but you sure don't show it

I try to tell you about my day, about cool things we're doing in school, A funny thing that happened with my friends.

But you don't seem to care at all.

I ask for help, and you ignore me like I'm not even there.

Why don't you listen to me?

I start telling you about something but then you just turn away to my sisters.

I watch you have a conversation with my sisters, you are giving them full attention. Right after you decided that whatever I had to say wasn't important.

Then when I'm in a bad mood the rest of the night you ask why. And then yell at me to knock it off.

I told you I feel depressed. Depressed.

You Blame it on the weather, that everyone else is feeling the same way.

Well then, explain to me why It was 75 degrees today, sunny, no wind and I still feel awful when I get home.

I am depressed

Because I am stressed

at school I learn that I am slow, stupid, awkward and seemingly incapable of being a responsible human I am.

I nearly fall apart so many times at school.

And then I come home to a family that doesn't even seem to care.

You wonder why I lock myself in my room.

It is because I am depressed

Because on top of everything from school.

You ignore my interests, my accomplishments. I feel like throwing all my passions away because you don't care. You don't think I can succeed.

Yet you praise my sisters. Because they're in tag, and advanced math, and they're athletic, and they are so smart.

Yeah, No wonder I'm depressed. Because this is all I have for a support system.