Blank pages, empty cases, limininal spaces.

where my spirit hides

when I detatch from what is real.

Let go

Float away.

No I'm never here to stay.

Dejavu moved again.

Thought I heard myself again.

Past me, future me,

All yelling where to find me.

Lost my body, gone again,

Back to never never land.

The places I stay

Never feel safe.

Not paranoia, just the gift

Of a Bangin

Body and brain.

Testing testing,

read all about me.

I'm the woman who pushes too far

pushes your patience,

and the nectar in my folds.

Taste it

lick it

break me

Fuck you.

Too bright to ever burn out.

Gifted or cursed,

I can be an expert at anything.

Test me?

You'll break before I fail.

I know the answers before you know the question.

Makes 'em madder when I pass.

When I pass them on the track.

500 calories a day.

Makes me push harder.

I want it more than you.

Blood dripping down my ankle

yummy.

Ribs poking through my skin

beautiful.

Bruises on my cheek

earned.

Screams cast in my direction

love.

Caresses through my hair

undeserved.

What's its and who's its aplenty.

I changed.

It took a little time,

but now my surroundings are changed too.

I have privacy

for the first time in my life.

I have someone is is looking out for my best interests

Close to me

for the first time in my life.

I have plenty of food

I have a warm bed

A weighted blanket

A nice device

I feel so thankful.

It hurt to leave

my family again

but they were hurting me.

Again.

There is someone in this world

Who supports me.

In a way that changes me

for the better

and gives me hope for my future.

My mind is an intricate tool

That jumps to do my bidding.

My subconscious stores copious amounts of information.

My mind can translate her feelings and pictures

Into words

More easily everyday.

I used my mind to escape

From an abusive household.

I ran to college at 15.

My mind obeyed me, and passed my classes with flying colors.

My mind is strange to some.

When I speak from the mind it is to communicate information.

I take things literally.

My mind does not understand social ques.

My mind does not understand the concept of a social hierarchy.

However, my mind is excellent at identifying patterns.

I imagine my mind as a complex computer.

I image my subconscious as where the data is stored,

And the part of me that does all the automatic work.

My mind is a powerful guide for the rest of me.

A tool for my survival.

The voice of my ego through which many other aspects of my self are channeled.

Beauty is a double edged sword. I grew up thinking that beauty is pain. People find beauty in horror, and drama. I see beauty most clearly in the natural world. My struggle in finding my beauty, namely through anorexia, is in itself beautiful, and horrific. I grew up in a home where thin was beautiful. My mother was a ballerina in childhood and still struggles with her eating disorder. We both need to have control over our beauty, and we find that through limiting our calorie intake to the extreme. This started when I was a young child. My mother has major depressive disorder and had every intention to cook for us, but sometimes in the summer we would go days without a meal. This made me so grateful and appreciative if the food I did get, that every meal my mother made was beautiful. The first time I heard that beauty hurts I felt it in my core. This has been my struggle.

I feel that beauty and pain are interrelated in many ways, but it was clearly layed out in childhood for me. Then there is the struggle to have beautiful skin, hair, and for men, handsome bank accounts and cars. A lot of what we seem to define as beautiful seems superficial. I am learning to find beauty in what shows up in my scope of reality and recognize it as such. The gentle wave of my red hair. The glisten of my leg hair in the sun. The snailshell I found on a walk today. The vibrant yellows of the flowers. The caring nature of my aunt. The music I play with my cousin. I even find it beautiful that my uncle cannot sit still. I am learning to find the innate beauty of each individual who is not me, my surroundings, and myself. What I am getting at, is the journey from worshipping a grotesque idea of beauty to subtly finding it in everything I see and am and do has been beautiful. The beauty is related to the struggle, but the success is seeing that beauty doesn't have to be painful or hard.

In Need of a partner.

Someone who does the dishes.

Someone who likes to listen to my crazy rambles.

Someone who pampers me just a little.

Someone who gives me alone time.

Like a lot of alone time.

But not too much alone time.

Because I hate feeling alone.

Still searching for someone

Who likes adventures.

But not to any crowded places!

Make me laugh at silly jokes

and dont mess with my head!

I'm sensitive and dont like abrasiveness

so keep your dickishness to yourself,

but not your dick... ;)

Planetary Bodies

form energetic interstates.

Roads for energy to flow and follow.

This is the backbone of astrology.

I study astrology.

How the energetic alignments

at your first breath

set the scene

and the energetic patterns

that you follow

for life.

The stars tell stories

or

we tell stories about stars

it doesn't really matter

who speaks first.

The sky calls to some

and even fewer

answer the call.

The call to follow your instincts

and chase the horizon.

This is how the stars have called me.

It is a blessing to hear the heavens

although some may say

that it is bipolar.

Dear lover,

How excited am I to have my heart touched by you! How will you touch me? Will your fingers create a trap around my soul and hide me away from myself? Will you beat me into obedience? Will you make me learn what I need to in a trial by fire? Will you see me as a source for what you need? These have been a handful of my experiences so far, and so I am rightfully wary of love. I love loving though, I love romance. I will fall time and time again. I will fall hard and I will fall far. I just want to feel a connection with someone on a soul level, and I want to feel that way with many people. Sex is a shortcut to this closeness, one that I have used to often and too intensely. I'm taking a step back now from the romantic kinds of love. Taking a breath and learning to love myself as intensely as I love others. I could love you too. Give me a chance to love you, give me a chance to know you?

Respectfully,

Brigid Faye

Sometimes I play chess,

with those I consider loving.

I decide to lose

becuase I want to see how they win.

The first player did fancy footwork with his bishops.

He used spirit to manipulate me,

and cast me under his spell.

The second player approached with

sound strategy.

His pieces moved with his purpose,

and they served his king.

When I play my pieces are alive.

The queen pits herself against the opponents queen.

The pawns march forward and guard my castled king.

Bishops and knights take the board first.

Chess is a game,

But how you play

reflects who you are.