Someone ripped the plaster off.
Scraped the gash anew;
And just for good measure rubbed salt in the wound then rinsed it out with lemon!
Staying my hand from seeking reprieve.
Hindering me from finding water,
Or even a salve.
l have remained motionless for an age now.
I have even traversed another decade in my journey as I walk amongst the tattered remnants of my soul.
I feel, as desolate as an unmoored vessel, fearfully awaiting the arrival of the albatross;
To gnaw at the fragmented shards of my soul -
Which, for the most part are barely held together with the merest hint of paper maché and sellotape.
Waiting for the salt water to gently lap it’s low tide waves until it becomes a tsunami;
A behemoth of a tidal wave ready to rupture the tenuous strands of this vacuous hole,
To cast it asunder, to the murky depths of the deep blue;
For time immemorial…..
And then I remember how to breathe.
Then the sudden realisation that;….
I breathe in time with you!
It dawns on me that the rhythmic cadence of my pulse;
My very heartbeat, has alway, and will ALWAYS, be a replica of yours.
Further still, I, have passed that song,
That grove; on to another soul so I am immediately comforted by your never-ending presence,
Despite your ever fraught absence.
I subsequently reconcile that you are safely harboured within my chest, the way I was once carefully ensconced within the realm of your Queendom.
So to hear the tune of the one song I know better than my own,
I lay with my ears submerged in my bath water and listen to the lullaby of your “thud, thump! Thud, thump. Thud, thump.“
I know know you couldn’t leave me if you tried. You left your mark in the one dance which could never be disturbed.
The secrets therein, burst forth and I am inundated with mental photographs of our chorus.
The great. The alright. And the that didn’t happen if I refuse to acknowledge it.
You left your visage upon my face and your voice in my own larynx.
And for that, I am eternally grateful.
I resemble you both dependant on my countenance and know that I am still loved.
This is transendence.
My soul aches,
My voice burns,
The air strips my lungs .
It hurts to breathe.
Warm water scorches my cheeks as it runs molten from the well it stings as my vision blurs.
Everything seems distorted.
So out of kilter!
More times than not I’m fine.
But then I remember
(Not that I can ever forget)
But I’m reminded of that which is missing.
The two single most reasons as to why I breathe,
And fully enjoy life.
Then I feel guilty....
There’s always so much more you can do with your time!
A plethora of things to do (or not as the case may be);
To make it mean more!
Just so when the tidal wave of missing-ness
You can more inhabit a place of gratitude.
That thanks for being you,
The great, the difficult and the secretive,
About you both.
What I’ve learnt from you both is this;
You cannot do right by others if you’re doing wrong by you.
Every man for himself is a half truth.
And a half truth is a lie you said.
The statement should or probably maybe was
something more along the lines of.....
EVERY MAN IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OWN THOUGHTS AND DEEDS.
If you want something done , do it yourself you said.
So I’ll love you both and love myself with fondness and joy.
The bitterness of life is merely when you don’t want to fix the kinks.
And I will straighten those kinks.
But for now;
It’s one breath at a time.
Love you much!
Love you to the bone like cooked food!
For ROSMAN 28/06/2020 by Blakey
I really miss her
More than I thought I would.
Not sure exactly why I hadn’t let her know just how much I love her.
There’s a void .
A vacuous, gaping hole.
This unknown space I currently reside in;
This new me.
Is at best debilitating for the most part,
Has made the last 7 months and one day more than a little bit of a mash up.
A mixup kadooshus which is a descriptor of the sum of you and your parts.
I forgot how to feel.
For a time.
But now find it difficult to switch my feelings off!
I’ve not said I love you as much as since “that day.”
The day the world ended for a heartbeat,
As the whole we once were.
We were none of us really ready.
That’s the problem,
We never are.
But I’m ready always for the challenge.
To step up to the mark and be my best self living my best life.
Trying to be you by trying not to be you and not trying to be you!
If I read anything you said correctly,
What you were trying so emphatically to impart was;
Be what your soul tells you to be by feeling instead of thinking.
Have a heart and use it to think.
Mum; I really do love you!
Just I really, REALLY love YOU!
An ode to she who rode.....
To hell and back!
Cresting the waves of hellfire
In order to assist the desires
If those who didn’t even care
For that which they enacted
Despite your not being even remotely complicit.
They are the epitome of duplicitous.
Your name they tarnished
To save their miserable souls.
Eternity is a long time to seek repentance.
And still smiled through it all Smiler
Erstwhile playing devil’s advocate.
Ensuring the felicity and safety of undeserving ingrates.
The short lady you are
You are still a giant amongst us all!
I love you much!
I so love you much!!!!!
The world is unbalanced in a way I cannot comprehend
Being as you always say there is no such word as “can’t”
I really miss you
But I can’t tell you anymore.
There was a time when it was always just
You and me 24/7.
And then I fought my way into the world.
I hope you know I have always loved you
Even if at a distance.
I hope you knew I always will love you
Despite any musings you may have had.
This is in and if itself an indescribable loneliness.
Something which cannot be alluded to.
Something which can only be felt not voiced unfortunately.
A bit like a piece of your soul stolen and shattered.
But there will always be a circle where it was just you and I 24/7.
You being as you were my world before I became me.
The multi stimuli skydive
Is so multi faceted it’s hard to know what to tackle first.
One of the five books I’m reading whilst listening to podcasts and music.
The myriad of colours assaulting my senses dragging their friends along for the ride.
The visual imagery accompanied by addictive smells of candy floss, toffee apples,
Sweet popcorn, hotdogs and the like.
All ensconced within the aroma of the sea,
Cut grass, roses and cherry blossoms.
The rush of exhilaration as my mind becomes a helter skelter.
The exuberance of life seeping through my pores
The crash of wave and clash of thunder reminds me to look to the earth and sky for all the beauty there will ever be,
Punctuated by the sight of bees and butterflies; peas and corn and mangoes assaulting your aural skins.
Feeling nothing but euphoria and excitement
Incidents in the life of a slave girl, written by herself
By Harriet Jacobs.
Was one of the the most eye opening first hand account (the first one I’ve read so far and no doubt watered down as to be readable at a time when “propriety” was purportedly paramount).
A definite must read, as is The Immortal life of Henrietta Lacks By Rebekah Skloot.
Add Barracoon By Zora Neil Hurston